Presently in Canada, specifically in the Nation's Capital, exquisite dishes are being poisoned by a rancid batch of a well known spice.

Black pepper is being implicated in the spoiling of any food it comes in contact with.

One woman I spoke with had this to say:

"It is unlike anything I have ever experienced! The smell was down-right repugnant. What was a fine lamb chop now smelled like the inside of a barn."

One of Ottawa's finest chefs was once heard saying:

"It really is quite despicable, pepper, a staple spice now a poison in homes across the nation. My own meals have caused people to visit the toilet, only to flush out huge heaps of black, oil-like goop!"

No one knows what is going on, but some have implicated the Coalition for a Federal Ban on Pepper Spray and Chemical Weapons on Canadian Citizens ( The reason? For one, they are against the use of industrial strength pepper. This pepper, not the black kind one uses in union with salt, is used to incapacitate criminals, or assumed criminals. Why would they be involved? Perhaps because they have not been getting the press coverage they crave or the lobbyists to push their cause.

The present theory among some of the top thinkers in the nation is that the CFBPSCWCC has secretly replaced the usual black pepper on the shelves of all grocery stores with a composite of the industrial strength man-stopper stuff and grandma's secret blend from the turn of the last century.

This is of course just a theory, but it seems logical. At any rate, don't come to Ottawa any time soon if you are a pepper lover. If you do, your food will be tantalizing your taste buds with a SPECIAL flavour not unlike the waste troughs of a large cattle barn.

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