Is the second longest novel ever written in any language ever. Also the second most pointless novel ever written in any language. The Blah Story is written by a pseudo-intellectual asshat named Nigel Tomm and weighs in at over 11 million words. This isn't so impressive, however, when you note the following things about it:
- 90% of the words in the novel are "blah."
- One of its many volumes (22 at last count and still going) is little more than a half-million word sentence generated by computer.
- It also contains the longest word in any book ever, which is several million characters and is also generated by computer.
- In fact, it's basically just "blah" repeated billions of times with random words stuffed in between.
Are you getting the idea here?
Blah blah blah this blah novel blah blah blah is a blah blah blah blah fucking blah blah useless waste of FUCKING TIME AND PAPER.
A bit more detail, if you wouldn't mind?
Eleven million words, most of which are blah. I honestly don't think I can possibly say any more than that.
Thing is, when you first see it you can't help but cackle out loud. The sheer absurdity of a book in which most of it is "blah" and people paying for it makes you wonder whether this is all some sort of sick joke. Then you read the blurb on the back, which is the same on all the volumes, and consists of the following text:
"Overwhelmingly creative, Nigel Tomm demolishes the barrier of words and meaning, giving vitality and expressive strength to the pattern of his most exclusive novel - The Blah Story. It is a new way of conceiving text that frees the imagination, allowing you to personalize each and every word by your own creativity. You know, being blah is everything."
Then you realise, with a lurking, lurching sense of horror, that this is not so. This person is serious. He genuinely thinks that this is making some sort of point. That as many permutations of the word "blah" as possible is, in fact, some sort of artwork, and because all of The Blah Story is self published, there is nobody who might take the stupid bow-tie-wearing git aside and tell him that the Emperor is naked. Nope, he can just keep self-publishing this stuff, and hoping (sadly, not beyond hope) that someone will buy it, either because they think it's somehow intellectual, some sort of wry comment on the use of language and meta-literature, or just to see if it is real. Alas for them, and alas for the environment, but huzzah for Mr Tomm's wallet, it is real. I cannot honestly think why anyone would buy it.
I should mention also that Youtube crap reviewer Stuart Ashen did generate a similar tome entitled "Fifty Thousand Shades of Grey." It consists of the phrase "Shades of grey" repeated 50,000 times. The only reason it existed was for a visual pun. However, The Blah Story is serious.
I must mention - I am slightly lying. I haven't read all of it, because such a feat is not physically possible. I tried with a PDF of the first volume and my eyes started swimming within pages. I also did some digging and found Mr Tomm's webshite, sorry, website. It contains links to others of his works, including so-called "avant garde" piano pieces which are basically random notes and the musical equivalent of tits on a keyboard and his so-called self-psychotherapy sessions, which are random sentences generated by computer out of random words.
I don't think I need go on. The novel is only one step above selling a completely blank sheaf of pages and asking the reader to write it himself so he can ascribe whatever meaning he wants to it. I would say it should be burned, but that would be an insult to fire.