The Art Of Insulting - Chapter X - Indirect Insults

Chapter X - Indirect insults

Indirect insults are insults in a form that is probably unknown to you, being the imbecile you are. You probably thought that the only way to insult someone is by saying something nasty about them. Well, not so! If you will refer back to the definition of 'insult' in the introduction, you will notice that you don't even have to say anything to be insulting. Admittedly, these types of insults are often low blows, and that is why we love them so much.

i) Imitation

"Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery," it has been said. Crap! Imitation is undeniably the safest and most reliable way to annoy people. There are few rules for imitation, and nearly any imitating you do will achieve the desired effect, provided you stick at it long enough. Basically, all you must do is repeat what the person talking to you has just said. P.S. This will not work for children under 2 years of age¹.

There are some methods which you may wish to try out while imitating. These have all been tested and yielded fruitful results. Number 3 has never failed.

1. Repeat with a pained or troubled expression.
2. Use a slight swaying motion of the head.
3. Repeat as if you have a speech impediment and slight retardation. If the person has a speech impediment, mimic and enhance the existing impediment.
4. Curl up your tongue and push out your lower lip with it for the 'moron' look.
5. Repeat as if explaining to a young child.
6. Shout forcefully, as if barking orders at a private.
7. Touch yourself while making erotic faces at the person as you repeat what they have said. (Either particularly annoying or you'll make a total pisshole of yourself.)

A short imitation dialogue will shed light on how to use this technique:

Husband: "Hi honey, I'm home, how was your day?"
Wife (mocking): "Hi honey, I'm home, how was your day?"
Husband: "Nice to see you too." (still not too agitated).
Wife: "Nice to see you too."
Husband: "What is this, some kind of joke?" (becoming perturbed).
Wife(adding side to side head movements) : "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Husband: "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Wife: "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Husband: "Look, Jessica, you better cut this shit out."
Wife: "Look, Jessica, you better cut this shit out."
Husband: "I'm getting pissed off!"
Wife (adding a whiny tone to her voice): "I'm getting pissed off!"
Husband: "Fine, that's it you asked for it."
Wife: "Fine that's it, you as- ouch, motherfucker!" 
Husband (twisting face in mock agony): "Ouch, motherfucker!"
Wife: "What the fuck did you slap me for? Ow!"
Husband: "What the fuck did you slap me for? Ow!"
Wife: "Stop it! No! Please!"
Husband: "Stop it! No! Please!"

et addendum.

ii) Ignoring

For a full understanding of how to ignore, /msg me.

iii) False fascination

Effective most when used just before ignoring. Hang on to every word the person is saying, and then abruptly pretend that he or she is not there anymore.

An example would be:

Person A: "Excuse me sir, but I believe you are sitting in my seat."
Person B: "Oh my God, aren't you Will Smith?"
Will Smith: "Well, yeah."
B: "I am SUCH a big fan! I have all your CD's and all your movies on tape!"
Will Smith: "Thank you very much, but, um.."
B: "And I just saw your latest movie in the theatre, twice. It was great."
Will Smith: "Thanks a lot. Yeah, now if you could.."
B: "Say, can I have your autograph?"
Will Smith: "Sure, who should I write it to?..... Um, mister? ... Hello? ...
  Hey, I'm talking to you! ...... What the fuck is wrong with you? 
  What are you, some kind of idiot? 
  And get the hell out of my seat!"

iv) The Looks

There are several ways of looking at people which should be perfected by any self-respecting insulter:

1. the up-to-down-to-up lookover: this is to be done with a straight face to convey the 'who the hell do you think you are to talk to me?' look.
2. the head-cock-with-eybrow-raise: cock your head slightly forward and sideways while raising your eyebrows. This gives the 'I don't believe that this person even thinks I will give him the time of day' look. An addition to this is the holding-hand-on-forehead-as-if-shielding-from-the-sun.
3. the shutting-tight-of-the-eyes-with-head-shake: this gives the 'what? I don't believe you just said that! I really don't think I want to know you' look.
4. the I-am-holding-a-dildo-in-my-hand-and-rhythmically-moving-it-in-and- out-of-my-mouth: be sure to move your tongue against your cheek in rhythm with the hand movements for a better effect. This says 'I am really interested in what you are talking about.'
5. the putting-on-an-idiot-face for the 'I think you are an idiot' look.
6. the slight-guffaw: let out air rhythmically through the nose, as if being hit softly in the stomach. This will give the 'you must really think I'm an idiot if you are telling me this. Well I am not' look.

To sum up this chapter, I have compiled a short test to see whether you have understood the subtleties between the looks, and when to use which:

Which look would you use in the following situations?

1. After pushing in line at a queue at the bank, the person behind you says: "Excuse me, I was here before you."
2. You become famous and someone comes to ask for your autograph.
3. Your best friend comes running and out of breath, saying his wife is giving birth and asks you to drive her to the hospital.
4. Your father tells you he is cutting you out of his will.
5. The policeman tells you your father has been murdered.
6. Your mother blames you for your father's murder.
7. The policeman tells you your mother has been murdered.
8. Your friend says "Did you know that Lisbon is the capital of Portugal?"
9. The waiter says "May I take your order, sir?"
10. The Judge says "Guilty!"

Add up your score. If you got more than 8 correct, congratulations, you may proceed to the next chapter. If not, you are a wanker. If you haven't figured out how to score this test, not only are you a total wanker, but are also pathetic for having admitted it.

¹For dealing with young children, please refer to my essay "Molesting and other ways to scar a child for life", Joy magazine, July 1999.

Back to Chapter IX - Random Insults . . . Forward to Chapter XI - Miscellaneous Insults