5:16 AM: Surprise my alarm with a swift karate chop
to the snooze button.
5:23 AM: Turn off my alarm and start to get out of bed to get a jump start on fighting crime
and the forces of evil
. Find out that it's cold
out there in the world beyond these soft, soft blankets, and decide that it's in everyone's best interests if I take five minutes to warm up first.
7:31 AM: Wake up to an angry
call from my superior. Leap forth from my bed and directly onto my floor. Somersault
into the bathroom. Skip the shower, but rock the 'do. In this mad world we live in, you cannot forget the hair.
8:33 AM: Run out the door in a mad rush to get going. No delays. Leap into my car through the window
, which broke and won't roll up. The leather is so cold it bites my bare leg skin. ...Shit.
8:34 AM: Run back inside for pants
8:36 AM: Run out the door in a mad rush to get going. No delays. Leap into my car through the window, again, which is a trick that never gets any less satisfying. Speed off straight to work.
8:58 AM: Make it safely to the Starbucks a little late, but still ready to put a mean beatin' on crime's face.
9:14 AM: Make it safely to the precinct a little late, but still ready to put a mean beatin' on crime's face. Work my way to my desk, which has a TON of paperwork
that I really need to crack down on. Take a seat and start searching my desk for a pencil.
9:17 AM: Found out that I don't have a pencil. Had to borrow one from Elroy, Judy's brother and son of captain George
. Don't know quite why I felt I had to introduce him like that, but anyway, got his pencil and over an hour 'til I go out on patrol.
9:24 AM: Am making steady progress on the paperwork. Really proud of myself. Leave my office and eat some of the candy off of Linda's desk as a reward. Steal a couple of her pencils, too.
10:13 AM: 43 of 57 stolen pencils successfully stuck in ceiling. Seventeen minutes until patrol. Give up on the remaining 14 pencils and practice my outstanding origami
10:29 AM: God, this has to be the slowest minute EVER. Second hand just craaawling by. Screw it, goin' early.
10:32 AM: Am confronted by confusion
, as my patrol car is not in the parking lot. Decide the captain must know what's going on here.
CAPTAIN: Ah, Mr. Swillis, our most prized officer. Here, have a gold star
B.S.A.C.E.: Hey, cap. Uhm, yeah. Okay. So, hey, where's my patrol car?
CAPTAIN: It was eaten. By crazy bears. Bears on Angel Dust. I want to see you cracking down on Angel Dust this week, Brew. It's a nasty, nasty drug and it needs to be stopped. It hurts us all. You're takin' Shamrock
today. Here are the keys. (CAPTAIN tosses an apple). See you at four. Now, get out of my office and learn to read the memos.
11:44 AM: Finally get the goddamned horse into town and onto the beginning of my patrol route when a totally righteous babe
starts massively scopin' me. Ride my horse over to her and whip out my moves.
11:53 AM: Find out what mace
feels like and break
when I fall
off my horse
4:06 PM: Make it home in one piece with my left arm in a contraption built to be extremely annoying
. Got the rest of the afternoon off. Drop into my chair, turn on the TV, and call it a day.