Frequently Asked Questions:
What is the the Texas Enterprise Fund?
The Texas Enterprise Fund was set up in 2003 by Governor Rick Perry to give money to corporations who want to start doing business in Texas, or want to expand their business if they are already located in Texas.
Give? I'm sorry. Did you say “give” corporations money?
Yes we did! We give corporations money! We find that many of them are eager to take it, too! I don't mean to brag, but, we like to help.
What money is this that you are giving to corporations?
Our money, of course. The money that we earn!
The money that you earn? You, the government? So, shall we call that “tax payer money?”
Exactly! The money that we earn!
... Okay. Um... What is the purpose of the Texas Enterprise Fund?
Well, I think we all remember back in 2003 Texas was pretty hard up. With unemployment figures skyrocketing as high as 6%, we knew that something needed to be done – something drastic. Governor Rick Perry pulled a plan from so far up his ass that it could only rescue Texas from this dire recession or make the governor regular for the rest of his life. You all remember the recession, right? Oh gosh it was horrible! I don't like to admit this in public, but once in 2003 things got so bad I was forced to eat macaroni! Can you imagine that – macaroni?
Anyway: Governor Rick Perry asked congress for a large sum of money to give to corporations if they would move to Texas and make jobs! Isn't that neat? They move here, we maybe dangle a little carrot in front of them and BAMO everybody's got at least one job!
When you say “carrot” how much are we talking about?
Since 2003 around $370 million have been given to corporations in Texas through the Texas Enterprise Fund!
$370 Million? I-- (breathe) Okay, it can't all be bad... How many jobs have been created with this $370 million?
I'm glad you asked! We are happy to announce that nearly FOURTEEN THOUSAND jobs have been created since 2003 because of the fund!
Fourte--gkkk-- I almost choked on my own spit there. I mean, I was thinking like at least four hundred, maybe five hundred thousand. Only fourteen thousand? You've got to be joking. Let me do the math on that real fast...
Oh, I've already done it. That is $26,428.57 per job. That's a swell deal, don't you think?
Holy-- You're kidding... right? I mean, there must be some kind of mistake? I've even read that some of the corporations you gave -- I'm sorry -- I gave money to not only didn't create any new jobs, but actually laid people off, is that true?
Yes. But only because the corporations needed to make more money! We all like making money, right?
This is a fucking disaster. Do you have any good news about this fiasco of a program?
Good news? It's all been good news... I understand, though. Those figures aren't quite showing you were the excitement is? How about this:
2.2 BILLION DOLLARS!
2.2 billion dollars? What is that?
$2.2 billion is the revenue generated by these corporations annually! That is a lot of money!
Okay, wait. Doesn't that just mean that the people who own those companies, maybe like a couple hundred people, are cashing in while the rest of us tax payers are financing their business?
YES!!! Now you're catching on! That is exactly what it means! Because of the Great State of Texas giving $370 million dollars to some businesses, the people who own those businesses are growing rich!! Don't you love growing rich!?!?
♫♫CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!!! IT'S A CELEBRATION♫♫
Hey! Where's that smile?
What are you doing with that rock?
Uh... can we put down the rock?
Stop throwing the rocks! Stop throwing the rocks!