Being a long-time reader, and first-time noder, I always consult E2 first in my chain of problem solving command. One day not too long ago, I came across a major problem: at a school dance, my newest girlfriend wanted to dance very close, leaving minimal to no space between us. This would have been fine and dandy, except this closeness caused me to get excited, and a small woody appeared. Not wanting to poke her in the lower stomach, I quickly used massive, poorly executed diversions to make it unnoticeable. These involved shifting her area of concentration to my side, and putting a few inches between us, thus ending the intimacy we briefly had. This troubled me for a few days; she is a very conservative person, and wouldn't take to kindly to being boned in the stomach.

Worried, I quickly searched my ultimate resource, E2, but came up short. Haven't my fellow noders encountered the same dilemma? I decided to start my active membership, and help other people needing help stopping inconvenient erections. I did other online homework, and came up with four basic methods:

    Jock strap
    The jock strap is a very convenient and effective means of hard-on hiding. The thin piece of material covering the package region is very hard to stretch. Your naughty bit can push with all its might, but the jockstrap will make it a harmless, vertical tube, that, when disguised behind your pant zipper, won't be felt as an erection, but rather a thick and durable fly. This is a very easy method to employ because it is entirely unnoticed by anyone else, and isn't uncomfortable when worn over underwear.

    Power of Mind
    Power of mind is a surprisingly strong arousal suppressant. If your significant other is moving close of you, try to clear your mind of all horny thoughts. While some people may dismiss this idea, it works well, also better if employed in unison with any of the other methods. You don't have to think of anything asinine, like only baseball or a naked man. Merely steer clear of thoughts about her nice rack, or ghetto butt, or any other sexy anatomy parts. Don't be a horny little beast.

    I'm not going to get very technical here. A short masturbation session will buy you about twenty minutes of boner free time. This isn't very convenient, though. During a long time with the object of your affection, you will have to make several suspicious trips to the bathroom, and if you come back with lotion on your hands, you will get caught. Only use this method if you know there is only going to be a short danger period.

    Let Loose
    Hey, if things are getting romantic, and you think your girlfriend is getting slightly turned on, let her feel it. If you and her are close enough (emotionally) where it wouldn't be as detrimental, poke away. She may get really turned on, and that would be a big plus for you if she does.
~Hope this helps a little bit with your boner woes.

There's an absolutely foolproof trick to doing so if your attempts at not getting one has failed.

Simply flex your thigh muscles (quadriceps) as hard as you can.

What will happen is this will divert blood flow away from the genital area, and cause the problems with the wedding tackle to subside in a more reasonable amount of time.

NOTE: this will not work if you have some kind of medical emergency like a Viagra induced erection which lasts more than four hours. They are not kidding: get to a hospital.

The other way, the more long term way of suppressing erections is to have very poor health. The penis is a barometer of overall health, and usually loss of erection is a warning sign.


BrevityQuest 2016 (125 words)

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