1 A large amount of this account is based on conjecture and unreliable eyewitnesses, most excellent reader, so that you may connect closer to the essence of what I know of
2 the founder of the band Belle and Sebastian, much as many compiled before about the contemporary songwriter and cabana boy who lives in a timespace between the 60s and 70s.
Stuart is born
3 In a marsh in Ayr, 1968, he was born with a gift to talk sense to everyone, for although he began displaying music at twenty-three years of age, he had long found his spiritual home in the café community.
4 He grew up in a Glasgow built upon overexposed photos, flowering cherries, and perfect run-down hang-out spots.
5 In many ways he was an oft-frustrated urban poet, unravelling the melancholic society which he loved.
6 The pastoral acoustic guitar which he took with him strums to the beat of the young and limber man; he who excelled at middle distance running and football;
7 he who loved the rush of air out in the open did also love the post-match frisson en route to the changing rooms.
Stuart's look foretold
8 Now the prophet Papa Smurf spoke,
9 "At his concerts he's flushed with excitement, like he's just dismounted a racing bicycle which he took over hilly streets.
10 "He has Mark Hamill's cheekbones, while his eyes are born of literary legacies and seem overcome by the possibilities of romance and citywide relationships.
11 "He dresses tight like a smart yet off-duty apprentice Milk Tray man gigolo."
A pilgrim's part-aay!
12 Anyway, one sultry evening, he got in the way of a rough, indiepop god-blast, Stephen Pastel's shambling crusade, and so was highlighted the way to go, and an introduction to the marginalised, but optimistic crowd of art students.
13 Morrissey and Lawrence were the icons around town at this time, and a string of menial jobs were the only other respite from hipsters who would senselessly spit at his feet.
14 In a political sense Stuart wanted to emulate Morrissey's tory-era cult of personality by underplaying it in a more collective atmosphere.
15 He sought guidance in this area, such that it might clarify the path towards this group beatitude, and in desperation Stuart wandered darkest London to find Lawrence, before receiving an ultimate let-down.
16 On a sparkly night, when he didn't feel so alone, he lost his innocence with an older woman, and his eyes were opened further.
Stuart Instils the Coffee Etiquette
17 His timeless songs were like personal messages that transformed problems into a beautiful kind smile.
18 He first played them to close friends in only his pyjama bottoms and Doc Martens. Offhand, he did incite mass hysteria with a single well-aimed joke.
19 Then he headed to London once more to personally hand a demo tape to John Peel's monkey butler and muscle in on BBC radio annals forever.
Choosing the Seven
20 Later, when not joining in a game of computer golf at his goverment-financed music course at Stow College, he created Tigermilk and now needed help to realise his dream.
21 Through rain and sun and rain he scoured parks and cafés in Glasgow for willing members for his new band and the coercion resulted in a release because
22 his work could rise from the Casio to a multi-instrumental stage, an extremely earnest mission based on early prog-rock aspirations.
23 He yearned for the structure that would arise when everything he was became heard.
Many are healed
24 He wrote his most geographical album, If You're Feeling Sinister, in turns from varied and beautiful stretches, a café and a bus route.
25 It was a miracle he didn't give up through all the derision.
26 He appeared in warm, relaxed photoshoots in the late 90s, and got up on a platform to make his veiled confessions, simultaneously communicating a new pop philosophy.
27 His words about empathy, sulking girls, graffiti, and breakdown all affected the souls of strangers as well as anything said by Jesus.
28 There was no need to question why he stood beside a dark, rusty stock car covered with dead leaves; his natural pose stood for something evocative and indefinable.
The cure for anxiety
29 Then a cripple entertained thoughts that Stuart's lilting singing voice could originate in the Andes, but that was just silly.
30 So every small choke or unusual pronounciation was discussed somewhere.
31 Finally it was decreed to feel like a friendly reassurance.
32 At its highest, his voice is like a solo in the very choir stalls where he stands and exchanges meaningful glances.
33 At mid-range it could resemble the light scornful remarks made by waitresses at a distant beach party who are socialists conceding to capitalism.
34 At its lowest it is a rough, dirty janitor; the one we have in all of us.
35 Once the cripple truly believed in the voice he could dance again.
Money betrays poetry
36 As a cabana boy he is said to give frank advice and tell bodacious stories, his appeal spreading to normal people and edgy people alike.
37 Trendies and hipsters arouse his suspicion in this role but he just hits it, the job.
38 He proferred The Boy with the Arab Strap after increased input from his bandmates.
39 If Stuart is the vine, then his branches were the shine.
Two thousand teenagers are troubled
40 It took forty days and forty nights for him to complete Fold your Hands Child, you Walk like a Peasant.
41 Like the slow-burning wall of sound that became his trademark, doubters blamed a slow burnout on this gruelling embarkment.
42 A sour voice from the gutter asked about his relationship with his bandmate Isobel and was shouted down.
43 However, he braved and embraced an odd exotic world tour,
44 so on his triumphant return he required coffee, whiskey or a Jack Daniels and Coke in the loving company of the clientele and customers at a café.