How to steal your best friend's girlfriend
A noder's guide
NB: The use of masculine form throughout this document is to alleviate the weight of the text; replace "girlfriend" with "boyfriend" where appropriate. I'm sure a lot more insight could be provided from female noders; feel free to elaborate in subsequent nodes, or create a new one altogether.
For most of us, the concept of stealing your best friend's girlfriend is immoral. It's common decency to keep your stinky palms off a pal's chick; at a deeper, theological level it's also one of the earliest directives recorded in the Bible: Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife.
However, anyone who denies having contemplated the prospect of getting it on with his buddy's girl is, put simply, a liar. Whether it's out of pity, because said girlfriend is being mistreated and deserves better or simply out of lust, the feeling is not uncommon and deserves an honest review and practical HOWTO.
Disclaimer: Before I get bombarded with death threats and nasty emails, let it be known that this document is purely for entertainment purposes. Don't go out and do this. It's probably not right, in almost all cases.
Phase 1: Examine your motives
Before you embark on the journey that is ahead of you, make sure you are aware of your motives. Why are you doing this? What are your feelings towards the girl? Do you intend to have a meaningful relationship with her, or is sex your primary objective? How important is your friendship with the guy being setup? Make sure those questions have been answered in your mind before you go on to step 2. If they haven't, the whole thing might backfire and blow up in your face, and it won't be pretty.
Phase 2: The passive, friendly observer
Whenever your friend or his girlfriend invite you to attend social activities, make sure you participate. Do not decline invitations. This is where the bulk of the work gets done. Throughout those activities, it is important that you study their characters and personalities with much minutiae. Learn to notice facial expressions, body language (posture, gestures, position). Remember what makes them tick; this will be very important in Phase 3. I'm talking about the little things. The details. It could be anything from the way he chews with his mouth open to her bad smoking habit. Of course you must also notice the positive things, the way he handles uncomfortable situations, the way he apologizes (or doesn't) for any wrong doing. How she reacts to those things. Mind games are played with small, intricate moves; it's not a fast paced sport, think of it as a chess game for the intellectually insane.
Phase 3: Build yourself up
The knowledge you have acquired during the observational stage is priceless. During phase 3, you become closer to the couple. You want to make it clear that any shortcomings the boyfriend has are not an issue with you. You want to become a friendly, non-threatening figure; someone they can trust. Some of the qualities you must exude are generosity, peacefulness, balance. Self-confidence doesn't necessarily have to be accentuated, unless it's something you have noticed she longs for in Phase 2. If you demonstrate too much self-confidence, it might blow up your cover later ("You were planning this all along!!"). Your mileage may vary, but a reasonable amount of shyness will ensure you are perceived as a non-threatening figure. At this point, you are comfortable enough with the couple to compliment the girl on things her boyfriend is now taking for granted. Do it. Everyone knows women wish to be flattered. If friction occurs between the partners, make sure you contact the girl personally; the boyfriend doesn't need to know, but you are not hiding secrets from him; don't do anything you wouldn't be comfortable explaining to him as marks of friendship; anything crossing the line will instill doubt in his mind and could ruin the operation. This phase can last anything from a few weeks to several months, it is up to you to decide when the bond you have meticulously created with the girl is strong enough to sustain Phase 4: what comes after building yourself up...
Phase 4: Tear shit down
This is the crucial moment where depanding on your intentions, your will concentrate your efforts on one of the three options available to you:
- Take the relationship down from the inside
- Take advantage of a weak moment in the relationship to make your move
- Let time do it's magic
The first one, taking the relationship down from the inside
, takes time and a lot of involvement. This option will most probably severe the link between you and your friend, unless it's done with zen-like dexterity
. Of course, hundreds of nodes could be written about how to this, but a few pointers are: replacing the boyfriend in activities he despises, using any reason you can find to comfort her, innocently point out things about him that she might or might not have noticed, reinforce things you have noticed in phase 2, provoke situations where you know she will be disapointed by her boyfriend's behavior, have friends drop hints around the girl and the list goes on. Afterwards, things will simply fall into place.
The second one, taking advantage of a weak moment in the relationship to make your move
is most likely the approach you will take if your intentions are less than honorable
. When the relationship hits a clear definite low point, it is time to jump. It's pretty much an all or nothing situation. In familiar settings tell the girl you are 100% on her side, and that even though her boyfriend is your friend, you care about her a lot and it kills you to see her get mistreated the way she is. Between this point and the point where you get a sniff at her panties
, there is anything between hours and a few days, depanding on how convincing / handsome
you are. Truly this can be
the lowest form of love hijacking
. If your intentions are pure however there is a chance this will lead to a meaningful, respectful relationship, as long as you come clean about what your intentions were in the first place
Finally, the surest way to get to where you want to be is to let time do it's work
. Through slow erosion
wounds will deepen; the relationship will disintegrate
by itself and after the inevitable breakup, you will be the first in line
. Your personal insight into the problems the couple has been through and close relationship with the girl ensures you have first dibs and are positioned just right to make things work. If you have followed the previous phases you are basically guaranteed at least a shot at it
. And as a bonus: chances are the friendship you have with the boyfriend will survive! After the initial period of adjustment, you can salvage a perfectly viable friendship.
I wrote this guide because I see so many people trying to do this and failing miserably. There is no magical way to steal a girl from your friend. Effort must be put into it. Now go out and break some hearts.