It can be assumed, from what statistics lead us to believe, that people in America are marrying and having children later in life. And by my grocery shopping experience, I can assume that there are certain foods packaged almost strictly for single people. Salad in a bag. Ramen in 12 packs. Generic tampons and batteries. One-ply toilet paper. Snack size Cheetos. Lean Cuisine and Oscar Meyer lunch packs. Soup with a pull tab top on the can. You know, the usual bachelor food.

I bought a package of Oatmeal cookies, thinking that at one point I liked them as a child and since I haven’t had them in a while, it would be good to find out. I do, though I should have got the Nabisco brand, because the Murphy’s brand are a bit too crunchy. In either case, there is no way to re-seal them before they go stale, so it is either assumed that the person buying them is a mother and intends to dispense them among her brood and then stash the remains in a Tupperware container high above the fridge OR that she will eat them all in the closet of her bedroom, only to hurl them back up before the end of day.

Am I to be mocked because I own no Tupperware (and no, Saran Wrap does not work, despite what those commercials with happy mothers overturning bowls of soup would lead you to believe), because I can not eat all 18 cookies at one manic depressive sitting? Am I expected to have healthy eating habits because I am a single woman in America, neither binging and purging junk food nor expelling it from cupboard on ethical and social principles?

Well, shit, anyone want to come over and cook me dinner? I’m sure I don’t know how.

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