"If you don't turn off that television, I'm going to shave my head and run naked into the woods."
I muttered these words in disgust at my sister's twelve hour Law & Order: SVU marathon. "B-but Elliott favorite stuck house!!! He now!" she protested. Maybe it didn't come out like that but it was interpreted as such. See, I'd been on the computer, reading articles and connecting with long-lost friends at various points during the day. Unfortunately, while browsing the web, chuckling giddily, with my fingers slapping the keyboard like a harbor seal, my passive listening had earned me a plethora of knowledge useful only if playing Jeopardy:
- CHUNG CHUNG, cut to victim indulging in risky behavior
- Victim is dead, this is a job for SVU!
- Question some perverts
- Ask the boss-man for help
- Mariska attracts everyone on the show, but Diane Neal is a sexy actress and I instinctually look at the TV when she appears
- Ice-T provides accidental (or not?) comic relief
Also, its daytime pornography, and rape, homicide, and more rape don't make for good background noise. My sister's eyes were glazed over the full hour until either Elliott came on, or the commercials played. She knew every commercial jingle, be it for insurance, automobiles, or home care products. The vulgarity and idiocy displayed reminded me of why I never actively watch TV. So I started to think about the horrific proverbial demons casting a shadow over our lives, including, but not limited to: the morning commute, headaches from coffee, advertising, social network websites, and The Fast and the Furious.
I kept thinking.
Thought some more.
Still thinking.
Mulled it over...
And then I stopped thinking.
I did it.
I walked calmly to the television, shut it off, and then went straight to the bathroom. I heard babbling to the effect of "Elliot it confession inside!" and heard her seizing in the LA-Z-BOY. Upon arriving in the bathroom I reached in the cabinet under the sink, and grabbed the razor usually reserved for my parents' poodle, and shaved my head. I missed a few spots on the neck area. I removed all of my clothes, and yelled to my sister, "I'm going to the woods now!" and walked out the door. I stood in the sunlight for just a second, and ran to the woods.