Sexually Adventurous Cheetah

Everyone knows that cheetahs are the fastest land animals on earth. When it comes to the subject of sex, Sexually Adventurous Cheetah (SAC) is probably the most devious animal that ever lived. This is a warning to stay the hell away from this animal. SACy doesn’t care what species you are. SACy will bang the hell out of you as long as you’re still breathing. Being a Cheetah, SACy can get away with pretty much anything. All SACy would have to do would be run up behind his unsuspecting victim and hump the hell out of it. By the time his victim could even notice or react, SACy would be finished and long gone.

What could any of his victims do? Run away? Fat chance! (This problem is exasperated if the victim is actually fat.) Turn around and fight? Good luck with that. SACy would easily be able to keep up with his victims no matter how fast they’d try to turn around. If the victim’s turning radius is too large, it would be impossible to fend off an attack by SACy. Elephants take note. You would be wise to cover your asses. No, literally. Cover your asses. SACy is into that kind of thing. It’s in his name, it’s what he does.

Don’t think that you guys who have a smaller turning radius are in better shape. SACy would just be able to hold you down and have his way with you. If you’re small and fast enough to turn around quickly, you’re probably small enough for him to physically over power you. In the unlucky event that you do happen to be that small, well, that’s too bad for you. You probably can’t read this anyway. Don’t feel bad. It wouldn’t make a difference. You wouldn’t be able to do anything anyway.

Think about it. What recourse do these poor victims have? Start a support group to console each other and provide strength to themselves as a group? HAH! That’s what SACy WANTS you to do. Can you just imagine it? His victims all in one place, meeting at specified periodic intervals. It would be a buffet for this sexual predator. A sexy buffet.

Complain to a higher authority? Who could they POSSIBLY complain to? There is no law in the jungle. Just try talking to the other cheetahs. If they don’t eat you first, they’ll go up to SACy and try to talk him out of it. Maybe have a little cheetah intervention. By now, you should have deduced that SACy is a charismatic fellow. If you haven’t, shame on you. I would say watch out for guys like him, but you’d never see him coming anyway.

Cheetahs have high speed but only for short bursts. How do you think SACy got right up to his victims without them running the hell away from him the first moment they smelled his stank? He OBVIOUSLY had to charm them into sticking around for a while. Talk to them for a few minutes, maybe prey on their insecurities. Maybe tell them that their coat is shinier than their friends, and he respects them for who they are you know? Then, when he’s in striking distance, POUNCE! And then it’s all over.

Let us shift our attention back to the cheetah intervention. Charismatic douchebags like SACy can always rally the crowd to his side. Well, the male population of the crowd anyway. Hell, he doesn’t even have to be very charming, just good looking, and good at sports. SACy ran track back in college, so he’s already got that covered. If he wore A&F he’d be all set.

So. Now all these animals went and complained to the Cheetah Council, and they tried to have a word with SACy. SACy would just convince them to join the dark side by explaining just a few of the benefits of being like him. The only thing those whiners accomplished was creating an army of SACs. No, this would be a terrible plan of action, leaving them in a worse situation than the one they started in.

What about taking it to the highest authority in the jungle? I’m talking about the King of the Jungle, the majestic lion. Pfft. These guys are assholes too. They spend most of the day sleeping, and the rest of the day humping their concubines. It’s usually the females of the pride that do all the hunting anyway. These lazy jerks just sit around and eat the food that the women folk hunt for the pride. If mommy lioness is too busy taking care of the kids, the lion has been known to maul the cubs to death so that she can spend more time with him. Mommy lions. Plural. Yeah, these guys have really high moral standards. Good job going to him and trying to appeal to his sense of justice.

Let’s say for the sake of argument, the victims DID somehow manage to get the lion to do something. Maybe SACy worked his magic on the lionesses of the pride. King Lion won’t stand for that. Mainly because he’s a lazy ass, and really wants to spend his time taking his third afternoon nap, and he can’t do that standing up. But he won’t take this lying down either. Since he IS so famously lazy, maybe he’d organize some sort of elephant/bison militia (EBM.) These guys are much bigger than a cheetah, and would easily be able to overpower one with large numbers.

This tactic would probably work against an ordinary cheetah, but not SACy. No, SACy’s much smarter than that. If he hasn’t already got the political power of the Cheetah Council behind him, he’s already got escape plans in place. He’d see the elephant/bison militia coming from miles away, and run away whenever he saw them coming for him.

After realizing a direct assault wouldn’t work against SACy, the militia would probably realize the only way to get him would be to ambush him. Maybe at one of those, support group meetings the Victims of SACy (VSAC) have every week. So let’s say the EBM managed to mask their smell and hid long enough to ambush SACy at one of the VSAC meetings. What is SACy to do? Surely now he’s done for! Sorry. The EBM consistently seem to underestimate SACy’s resourcefulness. All SACy would really have to do would be to climb a tree and wait it out. After a while the EBM would get tired and would have to leave.

“HAH! The elephant corps could just uproot the tree, shake SACy out and just trample him into mushy cheetah pancakes!!” you yell, feeling pleased at having outsmarted a (probably fictional) cheetah. This is pointless. Yelling at your computer screen really doesn’t get anything accomplished, and repeated instances might just make your PC spiral into depression and run away with that damn Macbook slut from next door. You knew he was always sensitive, what did you think would happen if you kept yelling at him all the time like that?

Now let’s assume that maybe the pachyderms in the EBM are as smart as you are (good job again! Keep trying, and maybe you WILL one day be smarter than Dumbo! I doubt it, but if I don’t massage your ego, you probably wouldn’t finish reading this warning. And the threat of SACy is so very severe that I feel I MUST finish warning you about him.) and they do decide to uproot SACy’s escape tree. This puts SACy in the best position possible. While the tree is being uprooted and raised over this elephant’s head, SACy can jump onto the attackers back. From this vantage point, SACy could do two things. One, he could just start his counter attack on the attacker, jumping from back to back when things start getting difficult for him. Two, SACY could do what he does best - start molesting his attacker after he’s climbed on his back. Eventually he’d jump from back to back on his attackers until he reached the furthest troops in the EBM and then run away from behind them. The elephant hero being shamed by SACy, wouldn’t give chase, and the rest of the pachyderm troops on seeing their hero, would be demoralized and decide that maybe it was probably a waste of time to chase SACy anyway. “What would we do with cheetah pancakes anyway?” they would say, if elephants would say anything. The Bison realizing that the largest members of their troops are too scared to do anything would realize that they have already lost the battle, and the entire EBM would disband. SACy, wouldn’t care anyway, because by this time he’s already found a warthog at a watering hole, and is doing what he does best.

The only safe course of action to take would be to organize an air force and attack SACy from above. A flock of albatrosses dive bombing from high above would be the best bet. They would have to have the sun directly behind them, so when SACy looks up, he’ll be temporarily blinded. This brief moment of vulnerability is the only chance that any creature in the jungle would be able to attack SACy. It would be in this moment, this one crucial moment, that the albatrosses would drop their payload. Fifteen to twenty howler monkeys, screaming, yelling and howling, all covered in banana peels would plummet towards SACy. One fist would be raised behind their screeching heads and one arm fully extended in front of them (to reduce air resistance of course).

Once they make contact we would lose most of the howler monkeys in the attack, but they would be able to inflict considerable damage to our enemy. The banana peels (in case you were wondering) were to reduce friction, so that even if SACy tried to grab them, they would slip through his evil paws. And you KNOW he would try to grab them. SACy is nothing if not an opportunist. Two, maybe three waves might be necessary, but the loss of these howling commandos would be worth it. In all the other scenarios, SACy escapes, but this my friends, is the ONLY one in which any damage is inflicted on SACy.

Until someone can bring albatrosses to SACy's natural habitat, and then get the howler monkeys to coordinate with them to form the 1st Albatross-monkey air defense group, watch your asses.

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