A list, to whit:
Let's face it, you're old. You're an old, old person, and as such, your sex-drive is nearly non-existent. You need something to put a little ram back in your rod, or perhaps a little punch back in your pouch. What you need is--
The Eroscillator - It's the only sex toy personally endorsed by Dr. Ruth (a fellow old person), and it's shiny and gold. $99 + S&H (http://www.eroscillator.com)
Is your furniture sexy enough? I mean, is it really sexy enough? Does it have anal and vaginal pneumatics, not to mention electro-stimulatory devices? Is it fully adjustable and collapsible with four different built in restraints? We thought not.
In that case, you most definitely need to invest in the Original P.E.S. Auto Erotic ChairTM. What other piece of furniture can offer all this and in such an attractive package? $3,500 + S&H (http://www.peselectro.com/products/auto_erotic_chair.html)
Tired of putting your penis into dirty old vaginas? Bored with the pleasures of the flesh and looking to score a new sensory high? Feel an unnatural attraction to circuit boards? Well then, have we got the thing for you.
It's the FEC Cock and Ball Torture Board from the fine people at Blowfish. You stick your wiener into a hole in a circuit board, and then you run live current through it! Fun! $199.95 + S&H (http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/toys/fec.html)
How many times have you said to yourself, "I really love riding the mechanical bull down at my local Country and Western bar, but I wish there was some way that I could insert something into my vagina or ass at the same time." Well now there is!