I want to start being honest with myself. I have thoughts and then I rationalize things to myself. Today I'm feeling pretty good despite my anxiety over not being at work. Normally I work on Mondays. Somehow my body/brain realize this, it feels wrong and bad to be away from work today, there's a nagging stream of worry that I'm going to get into trouble for not being at work even though this is in my head and not a reality. Yesterday work went well. I expected it to go horribly since I was upset over the death of Jose Fernandez, former Miami Marlins pitcher, a brilliant and beautiful person who had a zest for life and the game of baseball. I cried off and on yesterday morning, ate lunch, packed a minimal supper for work and drove to work full of apprehension.
I'm great at my job. I know this, but at home it doesn't feel that way. I make money, I save money, I bring out the best in others and notice what they do well. I bring solutions instead of blame. I work hard and cheerfully. I look for ways to improve and become more efficient. My organizational systems make life easier for others while reducing the time spent doing tasks that occupied more time in the past. I'm fun, engaging, uplifting, listen, and joke around with others. Normally there are only two people scheduled on Sundays. Yesterday there were three of us. Surprisingly the combination worked well. I tend to be sarcastic at work when I'm talking to other employees. One woman in particular tries to get me going and often succeeds.
Today I folded the laundry and took out my recycling. When I got to the garbage area I was stunned to see an empty recycling dumpster and trash bags strewn around the overflowing garbage bin. I don't know why I was so shocked, it seems that apartment complexes are perpetually underestimating the amount of garbage residents are tossing and I wonder why they don't address it. Money would be my guess. In our complex there is a small structure around the trash that keeps it out of sight. This is good for people who would rather not stare at assorted trash bags and their contents, but bad for the people who need to remove trash. There's no way to add another dumpster with the structure in place. It's not my problem, but it affects me. I try to take garbage out in the middle of the week and am conscious of what I toss. It helps.
As a way to challenge myself I'm going to adopt a new reduction method. I'm going to try and reduce the number of possessions I have by fifty percent. I started with my books which may have been a mistake. I put a couple in my bin and moved along. I have several soft sided insulated bags. I rarely use them, but am having trouble parting with them. Why, I couldn't really say. I laid them out on my bed hoping that would force me to make a decision about them. Keeping one or two is okay, keeping three or four is silly. I don't really need the books on organizing that I have, but getting rid of them feels wrong. Maybe I just need to wait. Maybe I need to get rid of them, maybe I need to stop dithering and decide one way or another. I have books on shelves that I'm not reading. Read them or get rid of them Jess. Simple, but not that easy which is the gap between knowing what needs to be done and actually doing it.
Hoping this finds you well,