Panic set in yesterday when I took the time to organize my bills. I have the ability to block things, at times this can be an asset, however it's unwise to apply it to my current financial situation. I went overboard buying myself things that I've wanted, then I missed work due to catching a bug and a gluten attack. I can always count on the unexpected coming up, my daughter needing a new retainer, my other daughter wanting a dress for Homecoming, and if I had to point to two other traits that compounded the problem I could add my impulsivity and compulsivity to my perfectionistic tendencies. I bought some new clothes and charged it to credit cards which is a habit I thought I had left behind long ago.
A guy at work owes me money for the dishwasher I sold to him. Both of the girls owe me money. I have money in savings, I can tap into my emergency fund if I really need to, and I can always call or send bills in late. I have options, I have choices, and I'm making changes. Yesterday I did a lot of cooking. This will save me money and reduce stress since there is food I can grab on my way out the door. I didn't get to the step of creating twenty-one individual meals like I had written on my to do list, but I read that when you write things down, your brain has a way of figuring out how to do what you want to accomplish even when the goal seems far fetched or unrealistic.
A goal of mine is to spend at least half an hour outside enjoying nature. At work I sit out on the terrace and gaze out at the wild grassy area behind the store. The complex where I live is called The Preserve. Behind the buildings are several ponds and a grassy path is maintained by the landscaping people. I've only walked it once before which is shame on me for not taking advantage of this. Today I scrubbed the floors, hung out the laundry, and went for a walk. It was shorter than I remembered it being. Along the way I saw a turtle plodding along. As I approached s/he retreated into its shell until the potential danger had passed. Before I passed the turtle I was imagining myself in its place, slowly, but steadily moving across a path that seemed narrow to me as a human, but must have been wide to a smaller, slower beast.
Sometimes I am zipping around, other times I freeze and retreat. I think it's okay to take a moment or two to regroup when things seem frightening. The turtle has no way of knowing whether I am a predator or a lesser threat such as an inhabitant of an apartment complex that poisons the grasses with pesticides and herbicides so the residents that live here can look out on lush greenery in front of and behind our buildings. Still I'm grateful that I found this place to live and have a greater measure of peace and tranquility than I have had previously. Last night I chatted with a friend for several hours. Yesterday I read about goal setting in six areas:
- Family and Home
- Ethical and Spiritual
- Career and Financial
- Health and Physical
- Cultural and Social
- Educational and Mental
I'm thinking about these categories and where I want my targets to be. I need healthier habits to replace the ones that aren't serving any purpose except to drag me down. After writing about my difficulties with my personal papers I went back and stuck them in the metal box I bought at the thrift store. Seeing the Bills tab reminded me that I had bills to pay, it was good to put them in order and see them sitting out on the counter, a small step toward seeing where my money will be going and a gap closed as I realize that these are things that will help me put together a budget. I used some disposable gloves I found in my cleaning supplies instead of buying new ones. I hung some laundry, but threw my blanket in the dryer. Rome wasn't built in a day, and I won't get back on track in twenty-four hours, but at least I'm starting to overcome some intertia.
Hoping this finds you well,