A couple years ago I was in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. I broke up with my girlfriend and started dating someone else almost right away. At first it seemed like we didn't have much in common. She wanted to get into shape, we started running together and our first couple of dates were shopping for shoes and other equipment that I thought she'd need. She liked that I wasn't embarrassed discussing the advantages of different sports bras and I liked that she was willing to push herself when we worked out.
When my family found out we were dating they made a few remarks. At the time my niece was one of Carrie's students, I have two nieces, one of them is a pretty normal kid, my other niece is autistic and my family liked how Carrie accepted her. I also have two sisters, one of them is older than I am and my younger sister is the one who is married with two girls. Even before I got married my family was talking about how we'd eventually have kids. All of Carrie's friends are having kids and people think it's our turn now.
Maybe this sounds bad but I never thought about having kids in anything other than an abstract sense. I like my nieces and I like hanging out with them but I don't really know if I'm ready for a kid of my own. The problem is Carrie is ready, has been ready and the other night she came home crying after she went to a baby shower for one of her friends.
She spent hours at Target picking out clothes and when we got home she wanted to have sex. Most of the time I'm initiating sex and I could use more of it but I can't really complain. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining about getting more of it but I can tell that now she wants it because she wants to get pregnant and that's a mood killer for me. Then she asks what's wrong, she's the non-confrontational type and she'll go out of her way to make a dinner I like so I'll give in and give her what she wants.
I've tried being open about this but Carrie changes the subject whenever I bring it up and the couple of times we have talked about it the conversations have not ended well. I don't like making her cry, I think she'd be a good mother which is probably one of the reasons I married her. She's always volunteering to have my nieces over and a couple of times she's made comments about me not liking kids because they make a mess. I'm kind of a neat freak and the reality of it is kids are messy, even your own.
Not long after we got married I went out with a woman who had just started working where I do now. There was a bunch of us at the bar, we were hanging out after a softball game and I met her, shook her hand and that was about it. I had just gotten back from my honeymoon. Carrie worries about money and I don't but we had just gotten her a different car and were going to be closing on a house soon so I stayed for a few drinks and went home.
This is probably going to sound really bad but I can not get this woman out of my head. I tell myself that she's the greener grass, the forbidden fruit and what pisses me off the most is I don't even know why I like her. Carrie is nice. She's really nice. She goes out of her way to do things for other people. She's a good teacher and her students like her. My family likes her, my friends like her and I like her but lately I've been getting annoyed with her and I don't really know why except for the baby thing which I admit is a big factor.
She wants a baby, I don't or at least I don't right now and there is no arguing with someone whose biological clock is tick, tick, ticking so loudly you can hear it from across the room. The other day she suggested painting the room I call the office. We have a computer and my laptop is in there. She wants to move that stuff out and put in a nursery. She didn't call it that but I could tell that that's what was on her agenda.
So things have been a little strained for the past couple of months. One thing I love about Carrie, and I do love her, is that she isn't the jealous type. I coach an all female cross country team. Some of the girls have asked me to help them train for marathons, half-marathons, triathlons, etc... Most of the time I put programs together or find someone else to work with them. One girl was willing to meet me when it fit into my schedule and she has potential so we ran quite a bit together and Carrie was never jealous.
The woman at work doesn't even like to run. She looks like she might work out but that's hard to tell and I don't feel like I know her well enough to ask even though I'm sure she wouldn't mind. It's things like that that tell me I like her more than I should. Part of it is the way she looks and the way she dresses. Carrie is dark and I'm attracted to her. She's prettier than the woman at work but there's something about her that is under my skin.
Initially we would meet occassionally. One night we got to the bar earlier than everyone so we started talking. My older sister is a registered dietician and I don't even know how we got onto the subject but we were talking about her and I don't know how to explain it other than I enjoyed talking to her even though the conversation was nothing sexual or even that big of a deal.
What's bothering me is I feel like I owe Carrie an explanation but I haven't done anything wrong other than think things and you can't blame a guy for having a normal reaction to a woman he's attracted to. Even if we were alone I wouldn't do anything. As far as I can tell she doesn't find me attractive, she treats me the way she treats everyone else we work with so I can't understand why this is such a big deal to me.
One time someone thought we were brother and sister, it was a joke at work for a while but people got over it. We went out to lunch as a group one day when we had some training. She sat next to me on my right and again, nothing happened but I felt kind of guilty when I got home because I told Carrie I was going to the gym and I could tell that hurt her feelings which is why most of the time I wake up early to work out.
Unless I'm working late I meet up with my wife, sometimes I help her grade papers or listen to her talk about her students. I've gone on field trips with her students and ran with their cross country team and gone to I don't know how many volleyball games. Carrie coaches the B-team girls, she used to teach piano lessons but she gave that up not long after we got married. She said she felt obligated to teach and I told her no one was forcing her to do it and if she didn't like it she should just quit and not worry about the ten dollars a lesson she was raking in.
For the most part I consider myself a happily married man. Carrie gives a lot to her job which I don't always understand since she doesn't make hardly anything but she likes the kids and she likes helping them. The kids seem to like her and when I'm around they give me looks that she thinks are cute. I don't want to be annoyed with her. I also know I don't want kids now or probably any time in the near future.
I want to go to work and not have to worry about being distracted by other women. This other woman isn't leading me on or playing hard to get as far as I can tell. She's never met Carrie but all of my friends have and I wouldn't worry about a meeting between the two of them except I wouldn't want Carrie to know that I'm conflicted. Really I'd just like to know why I find this woman so sexy when I shouldn't and if I could figure out a way to avoid her or make her go away that'd probably be good except thinking about that is depressing.
I've thought about talking to my older sister about this in a generic - "I have a friend" type scenario except she knows me pretty well and would probably be able to tell that I'm the one with the problem which might not be all bad either. She gets things that Carrie doesn't and she likes Carrie but before I got married she took me out and over dinner asked if I was sure I knew what I was doing.
At the time I said yes because I do love her. I couldn't have foreseen this happening and hopefully this is something that will eventually run its course except Carrie and the baby thing is not going away and I don't really know how I should be dealing with that either. My older sister isn't married and Carrie keeps trying to set her up with guys we know. My sister doesn't really appreciate that but she knows Carrie means well and most of the time she's polite about rejecting the guys Carrie lines up.
Posting this online might not be the best idea either but I thought if I could put down my thoughts I'd get some clarity that way. For the record Carrie isn't her real name although she really is a teacher. I like her, I love her but I want to go back to the way that things were when we were first married and unfortunately for me that isn't going to happen so I guess I have to figure out whether I'm going to give in or keep dealing with her pressure.