Sundays are typically high stress days for me. I'm either getting the girls or having to say goodbye. For some reason when I got divorced, the insurance company split the girls between us. My youngest daughter is under me and my oldest is under him. When I was first separated I opened my own checking account. Then we were going to work on things so we put each other's names on the other person's bank account. I didn't really use his, but he used mine. One of the things we decided would come out of my account was the health insurance premium. He didn't give me enough money this past month so I overdrew my checking account. Then because I had an overdraft fee, two other bills didn't get paid. My bank covered it, but I got hit with over a hundred dollars in fees. His response when I told him about this was that this was somehow my fault and I should have put extra money into my checking account in case he was irresponsible and didn't send that insurance premium money over in sufficient or timely fashion. It's a fact of life that you're going to get screwed at some point in time. What hurts the most is that I was responsible and I got slapped with fees that could have been prevented that he is now refusing to pay. Yesterday he said he was going to start mailing me checks. He said he had no idea how to change the draft on my checking account when I asked if he could start having his bill come out of his account.
This is what I have to get past. I have to get past the feelings of bitterness, resentment, rage, and frustration over this matter. It's not fair that he is refusing to deal with this. A lot of things in life aren't fair, but that doesn't make me feel any better. Deep down I know that there is always a reckoning. Someone might get away with something for a period of time, but there are always consequences. I don't feel good when I am irresponsible. Even if it's something as simple as taking out the compost or cleaning the bathroom, I know that theresymp is an undone thing in my life that requires doing. Even though this is his bill, it's coming out of my account. People won't discuss his account with me because my name isn't on the account so now I'm going to have to somehow resolve this. My plan is to drive out to the county building and talk to the people about what can be done. He could call to request the paperwork to change bank accounts. I could call and request that for him, but I have to make sure that I'm not enabling anyone. I am getting better, but I still have a long way to go when it comes to things like this. I made a sausage and kohlrabi dish for supper last night that my oldest seemed to like. I roasted a spaghetti squash and a butternut one. I think I'm going to go back to steaming the butternut and cooking the spaghetti squash in a bit of water since I don't care for some of the flavors the burnt skin imparts.
I went on Twitter and watched part of the Angels/Astros game. A friend said she missed me and I explained the break. I haven't stayed off of it completely, but I've made strides this past week that I feel were undone yesterday although I'm going to cut myself some slack as it's so stressful to have my ex around and he was here for a couple hours doing something to his vehicle. As hard as the feelings are to deal with, I guess I'm glad I'm feeling them. I'm out of my anti-anxiety medication. I don't know how I feel about that. It helps when I take it. I don't like feeling as if I'm dependent on medication, however I have to weigh if the alternatives are worse than the symptoms. I think I just need to be sad for a while. I'm okay with sad. Sad is not as difficult to deal with as the anxiety. Being lonely is not as bad as the anxiety either. Almost nothing is as bad as feeling the way that I do right now. I'm anxious because my oldest is going to get picked up for school and I'm worried that she won't be ready or this somehow won't work out and it will be my fault and I'll get into trouble. This is not true. If she's not ready, numerous things could happen, but my imagination is only choosing the most dire of circumstances and I don't even know what they are because who can predict what the worst thing will actually be?
A fun thing that happened last night was someone reaching out to me very unexpectedly. This person was initially a footwear consult, but I learned more about him after that initial chat. There are things I like about him and things I don't care for as much. I wasn't into the conversation at first, then he was telling me about a divorced woman he knew that had rejected him and that sort of opened up the converstion. I flirted with him a bit while letting him know I wasn't in the market for anything serious. He's a Pirates fan while I'm a Brewers fan, there's a rivalry there and he told me that he knew I was flirting with him when I started talking about the recent losses the Brewers had experienced. One of the things I like about him is he's very disciplined and can be fun. Last night he was a great combination of fun and supportive. I don't think I've ever had a feelings conversation with him before, it was odd. I told him a couple of things that had gone on recently. I moved the clocks in the kitchen ahead a few minutes, I feel like having the clocks ahead gives us an extra couple of minutes which is probably not really true, he laughed at that and I told him that moms have their tricks to get kids out the door on time. I feel bad even admitting that I do that, either I should do it and be fine with it or not do it and be fine with that. I can't wait to see my therapist. It feels like the time between appointments is longer than it really is.
I'm cold and tired today, however I made one significant stride last night. I did not take anything before I went to bed. I also went to bed at a fairly reasonable time (I can't remember the exact time) but I know my texting friend told me I was boring when I said I was heading to bed. I like the way I handled that too. I said I was leaving and I actually did even when he tried to keep the conversation going. That was honoring myself and it felt very good. My daughter is not packing her lunch and this is also making me very uncomfortable so I'm hovering and interfering. She put the same socks she wore yesterday back on so I made her go back to her room and change. This is the kind of thing that makes me wonder about her along with some of the other hygiene and grooming issues. She told me she had showered yesterday, maybe she did, but when I was in the bathroom I pushed her hair behind her ear and found a huge snarled clumb of hair. I meant the gesture to be affectionate and ended up being really frustrated with her. I noticed that her nails were broken and dirty so I sent her into the bathroom to trim and clean them. She did a half hearted job in there so when she came out I said her nails needed to be clean or I would cut them for her. I hate being like that. I wish I could be nicer and more empathetic, the problem is she reminds me so much of my ex who for years didn't feel like he needed to floss his teeth and did a half assed job of brushing too.
I don't feel like I have to relax my standards, but I do need to work on my tone and how I address my children. Today I told my youngest that she should skip school so we could go get hot cocoa together. She wasn't impressed with the idea. Today when I pick up my oldest from school I'm going to apologize to her. I should have let her do her thing without riding her about a timeframe I felt wasn't being followed. I should have explained that this was making me nervous, I think I did say that at some point in time, but I'm going to repeat it. I need her to be ready early so nobody is waiting for her since I don't feel like we can afford to aggravate her ride as doing so would cost me considerable time and money and not really inconvenience her since it's a responsibility of mine to get her to school on time. I did feel good about the lunches the girls packed today which is some more progress. I'm so cold and tired I feel like I can't function properly. A nap may be in order and will hopefully help me feel better about some of these things that aren't really issues, but seem like issues to me. It's annoying to realize that the majority of this is in my head, but at least those things aren't as bad as some of the realities others are dealing with, and I made myself write this instead of crawling back into bed and warming up under the covers. I'm in need of comfort, intimacy, and support today. More things to work on I suppose...
P.S. The big issue I didn't write about was how to keep someone in your life who doesn't want to be there. The answer is: you don't.