Despite my initial
yearnings for
independence,I thought was a need for
change I now realise it was a lot harder to adapt to than it first appeared. It's all right though, if it doesn't kill that is.
Year 12 was the hardest thing I've ever done. Having to balance a mixture of work, friends, school, family and myself. Although there were instances where it (this apparent balance) absolutely collapsed upon itself, eventually I knew it would generate its own balance and I would (despite whatever my priorities were) move onto bigger and better things.
The place my home town, small in size but large in character. I had done my best, I was happy with everything; friends, work, my future. All I had in my mind was two solid weeks of studying, no drinking, drugs or social involvement whatsoever until after my exams.
I'm now profoundly proud that I had that much will power to stick to something that had no visible or certain positive outcomes. I wasn't restricting myself for the marks, for auniversity or for my Dad. I knew I would try my hardest and afterwards wouldn't have that guilt of knowing "I could've done better." Thus I did it for myself, for my own satisfaction in knowing I couldn't have done better and that was my mark.
After those three weeks of "solid study" and numerous practise papers I leapt into the exams with more enthusiasm than any of my friends. They wanted to get it over and done with. I wanted to do well despite how long it took me. I would not recede into that state of subconsciousness where I simply didn't give a shit. Therefore I enjoyed my exams and did my best.
It was I suppose not as abnormal as I had imagined, just like the trial exams but easier to a degree. Like how many ways can you express the same thing over and over again?
I was happy with what I'd put it, and had no major worries about my exams as a whole. Now time to relax like I had been wanting to every damn holidays of year 12.
I must've laid out the back with vodka and that group of books I wanted to read for a time span of about two weeks in total during the two months of holidays. This was before this change I yearned for occurred. I'd never felt so euphoric before it may have been the Smirnoff but I knew all I had to do was wait, and I had no problem with doing that.
A few days before Christmas I received my results. I had no idea how to open the envelope and look at it. Anyway I did it, it was going to end with me on my knees crying from happiness or grief either way.
79, a kind umber given most of my results where in the low 70's. It guaranteed my acceptance into Melbourne University and the degree I wanted to pursue. All of my plans had fallen perfectly into place, like a magnetic jigsaw puzzle. Now for the change that I was pleading for!
Arriving in Melbourne wasn't new to me, I'd lived there as a child and danced with fellow Melbournites in my childhood. I'd never been able to comprehend the idea of total independence despite my several attempts to talk
myself through it. But like falling out of a safe but confined glass prison I landed in on your own land.
In regular arguments with my Dad I had been confronted with the insistent "You'll get a shock when you're on your own boy!" I wished I could prepare myself but it was one of those rites of passage that just made you dance to a different beat without any lessons, you just had to make it up as you went, learn from your
mistakes and make the best of it as you went along.
I love being independent now, but this sudden change really screwed me up for a while there I'll grow out of that though and be able to dance again like a kid.