Satan’s Holdout Enters Third Week
By Associated Press
, October 23, 2002
HELL (AP)--Satan’s holdout entered its third week Wednesday when the Lord of Darkness’s agent rejected God’s latest offer of a five-year deal averaging 11 billion souls a year. Calling the offer “pathetically low,” the Evil One told the press in a statement issued Thursday, “I just want there to be some fairness and some recognition for my accomplishments. I’ve been running Hell smoothly and efficiently for almost five millennia now and it’s about time He started paying me what I’m worth. This isn’t about the money. It’s about being fair.” His Darkness cited the recent contracts awarded to Beelzebub and St. Patrick. “Beelzebub’s making 7 billion souls now,” the Eternal Enemy continued. “What has he done lately?”
In recent weeks God has complained bitterly to the press about the rising costs of running a major league religion. Claiming that Christianity is “still a small-market religion,” the One True Lord suggested that perhaps he might be able to afford higher salaries if the citizens of the world would build him a new cathedral with money-generating luxury boxes.
The Prince of Lies’ holdout has caused numerous problems within the Christian cosmic order. With the Gates of Hell closed to all, the Damned are temporarily being held in Purgatory, which is now overflowing with souls. Some lesser sinners have had to be grudgingly accepted into Heaven because of the strain on the system.
The fan reaction has been mixed. Satan worshiper Thelonius Jones said, “Satan has every right to be paid what he’s worth. God has had an unfair monopoly on which souls go where every since the beginning of time. And we have to ask ourselves, who really keeps the fans coming back for more? Let’s face it: the fans pay to see Evil. Satan Rocks!”
Father Jerome Payton, Catholic priest and devout servant of the Lord, disagreed: “This is just another case of a selfish ego-driven athlete demanding more money at the expense of the average fan.”
Sources within the organization say that the dispute is unlikely to be resolved soon, meaning that Satan may sit out the entire 2003 season. Although some believe that the case will eventually go to arbitration, with the Deceitful One possibly being awarded free agency, there has been speculation that if God and Satan cannot work out a deal soon, Satan may demand a trade to another religion, perhaps Islam or Zoroastrianism.
Several other major religions will undoubtedly be interested in the 99-time MVP who has averaged 413 intercepted souls and 3,963 blocked salvations a year over the past 500 seasons.