Billy: "You'll never get away with this, you Martian!"
Notoriously poor
fantasy film, released in 1964. It was directed by
Nicholas Webster and written by
Paul L. Jacobson and
Glenville Mareth. Some of the "
stars" include
John Call as
Santa Claus,
Leonard Hicks as Kimar,
Vincent Beck as Voldar,
Bill McCutcheon as
Dropo,
Victor Stiles as Billy,
Donna Conforti as Betty,
Chris Month as Bomar,
Pia Zadora as Girmar, and
Doris Rich as
Mrs. Claus.
So what causes a normally
jolly gift-giver to
invade and
conquer a whole
alien planet? Well, it's actually all the Martians' fault anyway. The people of Mars are, in general, a bunch of utter
fuckwits. Their skin is painted
green, they wear
blubber-hugging
jumpsuits and
bizarre metal
helmets, and they're all
sad and
mopey for no good reason. The
children of
Mars are all
obsessed with Earth TV shows (and can you blame them, considering all those great
documentary programs about the
Teletubbies of Arcturus-9?), and all the kids are just nuts for this Santa Claus character who brings
gifts to all
good boys and girls. The Martian
parents aren't happy that their kids are wasting all that time in front of the
tube when they should be practicing for their
tripod classes and manufacturing
Black Smoke, so at the suggestion of some random
hermit, they send an
expedition to Earth to kidnap
Kris Kringle and a couple of Earth children who just happen to be around.
To make things even worse for
Old Saint Nick, one particularly
nasty Martian named Voldar tries to throw Santa out an
airlock! But when they get to Mars, Santa, the two kids, and a
dull-witted Martian named Dropo (the name is Martian for "
He Who Should Be Exiled to the Icy Wastes of Pluto so that Yithians May Experiment on His Frozen Carcass") defeat the aliens by bringing the
joy of
Christmas to the children of Mars. Hot damn! Who knew it'd be that easy?
And after that, the
audience is treated to a
sing-along of the film's theme: the
Dirge of Yuletide Horror, or "
Hooray for Santy Claus", written by
Roy Alfred and
Milton Delugg.
You spell it S-a-n-t-a C-l-a-u-s,
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Yeah, yeah, for Santy Claus!
He's fat and round, but jumping jiminy,
He can climb down any chiminey.
Why do we hear sleigh bells ring?
Our hearts go ding-a-ling!
Incredibly, this movie was actually scheduled for a
remake recently! It was going to be written by
Ben Edlund, the guy who created "
The Tick." It was scheduled to be released in the
summer of 2002, so it looks like cooler heads at the studio put the
kibosh on it, thank
Marley.
If the opportunity arises for you to watch "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians," pray that you'll get to watch the episode of "
Mystery Science Theater 3000" where they
ridicule this flick. Otherwise, invest in
gin.
Research from the Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com), "The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide", p. 59, and Captain Button for help tracking down the lyrics. Thanks to sid for applying enough pressure to get me to node this.