Billy: "You'll never get away with this, you Martian!"Notorious
ly poor fantasy film
, released in 1964. It was directed by Nicholas Webster
and written by Paul L. Jacobson
and Glenville Mareth
. Some of the "star
s" include John Call
as Santa Claus
, Leonard Hicks
as Kimar, Vincent Beck
as Voldar, Bill McCutcheon
, Victor Stiles
as Billy, Donna Conforti
as Betty, Chris Month
as Bomar, Pia Zadora
as Girmar, and Doris Rich
as Mrs. Claus
So what causes a normally jolly
gift-giver to invade
a whole alien planet
? Well, it's actually all the Martians' fault anyway. The people of Mars are, in general, a bunch of utter fuckwit
s. Their skin is painted green
, they wear blubber
s and bizarre
s, and they're all sad
for no good reason. The children
are all obsess
ed with Earth TV shows (and can you blame them, considering all those great documentary
programs about the Teletubbies of Arcturus-9
?), and all the kids are just nuts for this Santa Claus character who brings gift
s to all good boys and girls
. The Martian parent
s aren't happy that their kids are wasting all that time in front of the tube
when they should be practicing for their tripod
classes and manufacturing Black Smoke
, so at the suggestion of some random hermit
, they send an expedition
to Earth to kidnap Kris Kringle
and a couple of Earth children who just happen to be around.
To make things even worse for Old Saint Nick
, one particularly nasty
Martian named Voldar tries to throw Santa out an airlock
! But when they get to Mars, Santa, the two kids, and a dull-witted
Martian named Dropo (the name is Martian for "He Who Should Be Exiled to the Icy Wastes of Pluto so that Yithians May Experiment on His Frozen Carcass
") defeat the aliens by bringing the joy
to the children of Mars. Hot damn! Who knew it'd be that easy?
And after that, the audience
is treated to a sing-along
of the film's theme: the Dirge of Yuletide Horror
, or "Hooray for Santy Claus
", written by Roy Alfred
and Milton Delugg
You spell it S-a-n-t-a C-l-a-u-s,
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Yeah, yeah, for Santy Claus!
He's fat and round, but jumping jiminy,
He can climb down any chiminey.
Why do we hear sleigh bells ring?
Our hearts go ding-a-ling!
Incredibly, this movie was actually scheduled for a remake
recently! It was going to be written by Ben Edlund
, the guy who created "The Tick
". It was scheduled to be released in the summer
of 2002, so it looks like cooler heads at the studio put the kibosh
on it, thank Marley
If the opportunity arises for you to watch "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", pray that you'll get to watch the episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000
" where they ridicule
this flick. Otherwise, invest in gin
.Research from the Internet Movie Database (www.imdb.com), "The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Amazing Colossal Episode Guide", p. 59, and Captain Button for help tracking down the lyrics. Thanks to sid for applying enough pressure to get me to node this.