S'more

1. Go to a campground. Usually one that lets you enjoy your stay. You do not have to enjoy your stay, but it is a benefit to the S'mores Experience.
   
   
2. Set up camp. This is really a trivial step to the S'mores Experience, as it is not really necessary for the s'mores themselves. However, it does help if you plan to Enjoy Your Stay. It is also a requirement that either this, or taking down camp must take place in the rain. Nobody is entirely certain as to why this is. Perhaps Rob McKenna likes the S'mores Experience too.
   
   
3. Return home for the things you forgot. If this is not an option, then you must visit the Super Stop'n'Shop nearest the campground at which you are staying. Trust me. If you go camping, you will forget something that you need. This is The Law.
   
   
4. If you are with a group, much better. Collect all the picnic tables and large stones from the campsites, and make one central site, much like a Family Room. Most campgrounds have a rule that forbids campfires to be a certain height above the fireplace. Simply make a larger fireplace. This is an art. The father must do it twice, after which time, the cook for the group will rearrange the thing again, to allow for a grate to be placed on top at a certain height.
   
   
5. The fireplace will fall apart. Rebuild.
   
   
6. Done? Good. Now you must split into two (2) groups.
   
   
7. Group one (1) will get the kindling wood. This group is usually comprised of children aged 6 through 15. The best way to do this is to take a hike near your campsite into the woods. Do not, I repeat, do not get lost. This is usually a Bad Thing. Occasionally you may locate a dead tree still standing. This will probably be a bit drier than twigs you find on the ground. This is a Good Thing. Also good, are the dried up branches near the bottom of pine trees. Pine needles are not good. Return to your campsite with the collected brush. About 5 armfuls should do it.
   
   
8. Group two (2) will be responsible for the larger wood. This is usually the males 16 and over. There are three (3) ways to proceed with this step. The first is to also hike into the woods, and find a dead tree. This is also usually not allowed at most campgrounds. As an alternative, one may take a short (minimum 2 miles) drive to the camp store, and purchase some rather overpriced bundles of firewood. The third option is to drive out of the campground and locate the nearest lumber mill. They give away the scraps of wood free. Yes, I said free. Return to the site with the wood. Depending on how large you built the fireplace, you will need approximately one or two pickup trucks full of wood per night.
   
   
9. Have the youngin's build the fire. Chances are they can do it better than you. Let them have fun.
   
   
10. Light the fire. This requires that a rather obscene amount of newspaper was used in the previous step. It also helps if steps 4 and 5 were properly done to allow the air at the base of the fire properly.
    
    
11. When the fire goes out five minutes later, get your child that is the most full of hot air to help you. gather all the glowing embers together near a good bunch of fresh and dry kindling wood. Have your child blow to ignite the wood. If you fear that he or she may put the fire out by blowing, don't. Trust me.
    
    
12. Great. Now you have a good fire going. Is it Roaring yet? No? Build it up. Yes...that's good.
    
    
13. Be very careful if father gets drunk and finds the lighter fluid.
    
    
14. Now, you have to let the Roaring fire die down to cook supper. What a pain, huh? Wouldn't you think that if you just left the fire as it is, the food would be done quicker? But the cook knows how to cook. That is why you aren't the cook. You can't even use a can opener.
    
    
15. Chow Down.
    
    
16. Now that the fire has almost gone out while you were away eating (idiot) you have to get it going again. You should be able to do this fine. (I hope) If you cannot, bring your child to help you again.
    
    
17. Before it gets dark, you have to take anther hike into the woods for s'more sticks. These have to be live, green branches, long enough for you to be able to hold the end in the fire without having to go to the local Medicine Man afterwards. They should also be rather skinny, on the skinny end. Not too skinny, though, as then they won't work. They need to be Just Right. You need about 4 of these if you have 4 children. The adults eat after the children.
    
    
18. Return to camp with the sticks. Clean them off (Who knows where they've been!). Take a knife, and shave off the bark on the narrow end. It usually also helps to create a point on the end like that of a number 2 pencil (not a number three...that's a different point altogether).
    
    
19. When you feel that it is the Proper Time, that is when you are hungry again, you may begin to make S'mores. This is an important step in the S'mores Experience. If you are not hungry, you may not desire the S'mores. This would be a Bad Thing.
    
    
20. Prepare...The Ingredients! We are getting close, can you tell? For each S'more, you need One Whole Graham Cracker (usually they are Honey Grahams or something similar) One Quarter of a Hershey's Chocolate Bar (where one quarter is four pieces) and One Marshmallow. These are vitally important ingredients to the S'mores Experience, and none can be left out or replaced. Take Half of a Graham Cracker, and put the Quarter of a Hershey's Chocolate Bar on it. Lay the other half of a Graham Cracker next to it. Trust me. You must do this now.
    
    
21. Take One Marshmallow. Jam it on the end of the Stick. No, the other end. Yes, like that.
    
    
22. Cook the Marshmallow. Different people have developed different styles for this. Some people just stick the Marshmallow all the way in until it catches fire, pull it out, and extinguish it. Other people prefer an even Golden Brown. This is much trickier, but can be done with practice, a lot of Marshmallows and a large appetite.
    
    
23. Take the cooked Marshmallow, on the stick, over to your prepared Graham Crackers. Carefully lay the Marshmallow down on the Graham Cracker with the Quarter of a Hershey's Chocolate Bar on it. Place the other Graham Cracker on top, and attempt to remove the Marshmallow from the stick without squishing it or burning yourself.
    
    
24. Ouch.
    
    
25. Place the stick in such a place where others cannot get at it if they want a S'more. It is your stick. You hunted for it.
    
    
26. Take the S'more in your hands. Bring it to your face. Be a Pig.
    
    
27. That was good, wasn't it.
    
    
28. Want S'more?

To make a smore you will need a number of supplies:

1. Graham Crackers
2. Large marshmallows
3. Chocolate
4. A large supply of milk (glass optional)
5. A source of heat

Conventionally, smores are made around a campfire. A marshmallow is heated until desired viscosity is attained. The marshmallow is then placed between two graham crackers along with a piece of chocolate. The heat from the marshmallow melts the chocolate, and bliss ensues.

However, if a campfire is not close at hand, don't despair! Believe it or not, you can find many sources of heat right in your very own home! Examples include:

1. Toasters
2. Microwaves
3. Ovens or Stoves
4. Computer CPUs
5. Lighters
6. A magnifying glass and your nearby star of choice

I don't recommend #4, and 5-6 could take awhile. Not to mention that #6 won't work on a cloudy day. However, I've had success with #1 and #2. If you use a toaster, you'll need something pointy and long to hold the marshmallow over the heat. I prefer chopsticks. The nice thing about chopsticks is that they usually come in pairs, so you can do this little trick:

1. Place one chopstick lengthwise across the toaster
2. Stick a marshmallow on the end of the other chopstick
3. Place the marshmallowed chopstick on top of and perpendicular to the other, using your knowledge of the laws of physics to keep everything in balance
4. Carefully push down on the lever to activate the toaster.

Note, however, there is a grave danger involved here. When the toaster thinks its done, the lever will pop up vigorously, and this will almost certainly cause the marshmallow to fall into the toast-hole. It's not fun to rid the toaster's innards of marshmallow goo. Also, because of the directional nature of the heat, the bottom of the marshmallow will become nice and crispy while the top will remain unaffected. For an even distribution, try to rotate the marshmallow ocassionaly, which isn't always as easy as it sounds.

Once the marshmallow has absorbed an adequate amount of heat energy, it's time to introduce it to Mr. Chocolate and Mr. Graham:

1. Take a sheet of graham cracker and break it in half. You will be left with two square-shaped portions of graham cracker
2. Place a piece of chocolate approximately 1/4 the size of the graham cracker on the bottom sheet
3. Cover the chocolate with the marshmallow
4. Place the other half-sheet of graham cracker on top and squeeze together until the marshmallow is not quite trying to escape from the edges.

Congratulations! You have created a smore! Of course, the toaster doesn't heat quite as thoroughly as a campfire, so your chocolate may not melt completely. In this case, you may need to summon the assistance of a microwave. Or you could have just used the microwave in the first place (my preferred method):

1. Break a graham cracker sheet into two square-shaped halves
2. Refrain from eating the graham cracker as-is. If you do not complete this step successfully, return to Step 1.
3. Place a piece of chocolate on one of the graham cracker halves
4. Heat in the microwave for approximately 15 seconds or until chocolate is soft
5. Place a marshmallow on top of the chocolate, using the stickiness of the chocolate to hold the marshmallow in place if necessary
6. Heat again for about 5 seconds, or until the marshmallow begins to fall off
7. Place the other graham cracker sheet on top and squeeze until your smore is approximately 1 cm thick. Heat for 5 more seconds if necessary.

You now have a smore that probably took far less time than the toaster version! Of course, you miss out on the burnt, crisp outside if you're into that sort of thing. But you get the fun of watching a marshmallow grow to an incredible size in the microwave. For extra credit, you can try this with just the marshmallow by itself. But before you do that..., you should enjoy your smore!

Eating a smore can be very tricky, because you have a very soft, fluid layer sandwiched between two hard, outer layers. When you try to take a bite, the marshmallow/chocolate combo will either flow to a part of the smore that is experiencing less compressive pressure or, more likely, onto your pants. Holding the smore in an upright position with your head tilted back can somewhat alleviate this situation. However, a cleaner method is to first break off a chunk of the top graham cracker with your teeth, then break off a corresponding chunk from the bottom. The two graham cracker chunks can then be easily removed and enjoyed with their marshmallow/chocolate filling. Unfortunately, after the first bite, you rarely have this kind of patience and devour the remaining bits as quickly and carelessly as possible.

Once finished, now comes the most important part. Make sure you have your milk close at hand. Now, savor the flavor in your mouth... count to three slowly, and drink! Tension... tension... release!. Aaahhhhhhh!

Repeat until morbidly obese.