Well, we did it. And, no, I didn't bring my pet igunana (I honestly don't own one- that thing in my pants is reptillian, but not a member of the lizard family). The places we went to are as follows:

Al's Showplace
Déja Vù/Showtime
The Brass Stables

...and here's who came:
Bitca (of course)

Everyone else who didn't show is, henceforth, a slacker and should be berated repeatedly for missing out on such a good time- especially toastido, who was physically capable of coming, but wussed out (he had to work).

The day, for me, started off kinda late. I've been jobless for the last two weeks and haven't had money coming in. I told Bitca that I probably wouldn't be able to show up because I couldn't afford the admission at the door, let alone tips or lap dances. She responded with "Be there or else." I wasn't too keen on finding out what "or else" meant, so I cinched my belt a little tighter, ate a little less and pinched my pennies. I was there, but I was still pretty sure I'd be broke before the night was through. Gihran, in confidence, assured me that he would help me out that night if it turned out that I needed it, which he did and for which I am thoroughly in his debt (thanks, bud!)

Anyway, I called Bitca on her cell phone to tell her that I was running late- or, at least, I was about to when she called me to tell me the same thing. I was literally headed out the door, my laptop case slung over my shoulder and my Gatorade clutched in my hand. I was ready for a night of drunken debauchery without the drunkeness (I don't drink alcohol). We had plans to meet at the Cafe and then jet over to Al's Showplace first. We were slated to leave the Cafe at 7:30.

We left at 8:30.

Upon arriving at Al's Showplace in Gihran's urban land rover (lucky bastard), I spied my young friends downing some liquid courage. I found it odd, at that moment, that I was the long-time strip club veteran but refused to imbibe. Irony can be found in the strangest of places. I asked where WonkoDSane was and Bitca said that he'd either meet us soon or catch up with us at the next stop.

I handed Bitca, impy and Gihran my "get in free if you buy a $10 cup of soda" cards and we went in to begin the night of wayward lust and lewdness. I felt so naughty... and oh-so-good.

We stepped inside the place to find that it was fairly empty. This didn't surprise me. It was 9:00 PM on a Thursday night- things don't get into full swing until later or until the weekend actually begins. We pretty much had the place to ourselves. The "ladies" working that night weren't the standard fare that I'm used to seeing at Al's- apparently, the really hot babes come out on the weekends, when more money is to be made. Now, this is not to say that the women working that night were unattractive by any means, but let's be honest here: I wasn't sportin' wood the second I walked through the door.

We enjoyed some brief conversation while Bitca took in the sights. She's never been in a place like this before, so at first I suspect she felt kinda strange. Seeing naked women all around you can be very disorienting at first, especially if you can't actually reach out and touch them (the bouncers are big and don't like it when customers do that- I wonder why?). After a while, though, I think she began to warm up to the situation and relax. She brought an envelope full of single dollar bills, so she at least had some idea of what she would be doing that night.

Gihran surreptitiously handed me a single. "Jay, you've done this before. Show us how it's done."

"You've done this, too, man. You do it! It was your idea in the first damn place. I'm just here for comic relief."

"Then make it funny," he urged.

I wryly took the bill from his hand and sadled up to the stage where a woman, Jennifer, was dancing. I got her attention and she seductively made her way over to where I was standing. I had the bill folded longways and put it between my teeth, for effect one might say. She smiled, knelt and proceeded to bury my face in her exposed chest (which was rather impressive- DD's, easily). After struggling for a breath of fresh air for a few seconds, she let me go and leaned back to thank me. "We're having a birthday party over here," I told her quietly (and breathlessly). "The young woman with us just turned 18 and this is her first time in a place like this. If you'd be so kind, we would very much like for you to join us."

She smiled, looked over my shoulder at my trio of friends and said, "I'd love to. I'll be with you as soon as I'm done."

"Thanks," I said.

"No problem, sweetheart." And then she kissed me on the cheek. Awwwwww. I think I sported wood, but that's just between you and me, okay?

True to her word, Jennifer joined us at the table and talked with us for a good, long while. I think Bitca was in love or something. Bi-sexual women are a hard thing to guage sometimes. Anyway... Bitca finally relaxed completely and we convinced her to get a lap dance. She chose Jennifer and we gladly paid the fee, as a birthday present. She was gone for two songs. When she left, holding Jennifer's hand nervously, she was jittery as a house cat. When she came back, she was beet red, silent, thoughtful and generally unwilling to tell us what happened. She had "I WANT" written all over her forehead, but apparently was too much at a loss for words to even say it out loud.

After a short while all of us managed to make our way up to the stage and offer a tip or two. It was fun, for a while, but eventually the late crowd started to come in and we decided to move on to the next stop: Déja Vù. On our way out the door we bumped into WonkoDSane. He informed us that he had a woman in the car, a stripper, who needed a ride. My thought? "Wow, that man works fast!"

Getting to Déja Vù was an interesting exercise in navigating the streets of Nashville ("Shut up, Jay! We know where we're going! Take a right, Gihran" "Really, Bitca? How come the club is directly to our left? See? I'm pointing at it, right there." "Oh."). We got there and Wonko was waiting for us, the woman still on his arm. She also works at Déja Vù, but found out that she wasn't scheduled to work that night. He was going to take her home and come right back. "Suuuuuuure," I thought. He promptly left with the woman. I didn't expect to see him again that night.

Admission in Déja Vù broke me utterly. I literally had $.65 in my pocket, which was sort of a bummer, but Gihran proved the gallant knight (is there such a thing in a strip club?) by offering to pay my admission in our next stop.

The woman at Déja Vù were, by far, much more attractive than what can be found at Al's! I hadn't been in Déja Vù in years and the place has definitely changed for the better. The environment as better, the place was rockin' and the women seemed happier to be there- most of them danced their asses off!

WonkoDSane showed up about ten minutes after we sat down. When he joined us I found out something almost shocking: the man is 26 years old and never, NOT ONCE IN ALL HIS LIFE, has he ever been inside a strip club. He was a veritable virgin! I expected to have my mind blown at least once that night, but not in such a strange fashion.

Impishlaugh was the first to buy a lap dance there. Bitca tried to find out which "booth" impy and her chosen dancer were in, but to no avail. Impy was wearing blue jeans, just like nearly every other customer there (95% of them male), so she was indiscernable from the rest of the people who were getting lap dances. She came back after two songs looking a little woozy. I don't think she was in love, but boy was she turned on! I don't think, since I've known her, I've ever seen her actually look like she would rather be at home with a vibrator than out with her friends, but at that moment she looked positively ill with sexual frustration. The dancer did her job well, I guess.

Gihran was next. He chose a young woman wearing pink and blessed with a rather... profound chest. I'd have to say she was more than just "cute." Definitely a good choice.

Through the course of our evening at Déja Vù, I happened to see one of the most physically attractive dancers I've ever noticed. She took over the stage like it was a battle field, firmly in control of her theater of action and intent on achieving a "salute" from every man there. I can't speak for the other guys in the audience, but I was spellbound. For the first time that night I really lamented the fact that I was broke.

Bitca simply wasn't going to have that on her watch. Oh, no! As soon as she noticed the look of unrequited desire on my face, the outright crestfallen appearance of disappointment and impending depression, she said, "Jay, I now it's my birthday and all, but I'm buying you a lap dance. After that node you wrote, you definitely need it."

The dancer's name was "Kitana." She was perfectly sculpted, outrageously stacked, slender-hipped, full-lipped and pheromone-dipped. After nearly half an hour of anticipation and trying to get her attention we finally flagged her down. Bitca handed me a $20 (the dance cost $15) and bid be a good time.

Kitana was up, she was down, she was all around. Swinging, swaying, dancing and playing. Up, down, in and out. I hadn't been laid in more than a year. By the time she was through with me I wanted to "get off" so bad I would have made a pass at a lamp post. ZOWIE! I wasn't in love, but boy was I in lust. It was bad. I was saying my prayers silently, interjecting "I WANT" into every word, but it felt sooooooo good! I found myself reluctant to leave. I wanted to bear her children, but alas I'm male and am incapable of such a function. sigh I almost offered to, though. But I had to make do with leaving her a $5 tip, the remainder of Bitca's donation to my further depravity. I'll pay Bitca back eventually, but it was definitely worth it! (THANKS, HON!)

A short while later, we moved out of Déja Vù and mosied on to...

The Brass Stables, the only strip club in Printer's Alley. WonkoDSane had to leave us, unfortunately, but said that he hoped we had a good rest of the night. One of the bartenders at the Cafe dates a woman that works at the Brass Stables. He wholeheartedly suggested to Gihran that we try to get a lap dance from her. At first this kinda surprised me, but upon reflection, I can't think of a better way for a stripper's boyfriend to help out the woman he loves. After all, she comes home to him every night and he's actually helping her get more money, which is exactly why she's doing the job in the first place.

The girls (impy and Bitca) ate hot dogs before going into the club (how phallic, don't you think? Freud would be aghast and stunned). When we got inside we were in store for a big surprise. We were expecting the place to top Déja Vù, thinking that each place we'd been to so far was better than the previous spot and that the trend would continue. The Brass Stables, however, shot that theory to hell and gone. The place quite simply sucked ass. Ugh. The women weren't all that hot, the environment was cramped with hardly anyone in there and it just screamed "dive joint." We decided to leave shortly after one of the strippers threw a quarter at one of the audience members because he refused to hold it for her while she danced. Our friend's girlfriend wasn't working that night after all, so we really had no more reason to stay there. We'd seen enough. Right?


Enter: The World's Largest Adult Bookstore (tm). Tired, horny, frustrated and in dire need of coffee, the four of us walked into The World's Largest Adult Bookstore ("Is it really the world's largest? It looks kinda small." "It's a chain across the midsouth and it does have a downstairs." "Plus, consider how many time's you've said that about the average male penis." "Thanks for the input, Jay." "No problem. I'm here to help."). The girls, of course, made a bee-line for the adult toys section, which was lined ornately with every type and size of dildo, vibrator, pocket pussy, anal probe and anything else remotely sexual that didn't have pages. Bitca asked that we all keep an eye on each other closely, for fear of some pervert trying to pick one of us up. Gihran expressed a desire to find a specific video, I just browsed around ("Hey, guys! Look at the size of that thing! That'd make an elephant cringe!"), Bitca and impy bounced around the place like kids in a toystore (which is kinda apt, now that I think about it). I happened upon a video by the same director that Gihran was looking for, much to his delight (it's so odd saying that). I guess I still hadn't found what I was looking for.

We moved downstairs to see what was there. Mostly is was magazines for those whol indulge in an "alternative lifestyle", but we also found more toys and even some S&M stuff. Bitca seemed to enjoy that section a lot. I took a stroll down the toys lane and found the girls' next best friend: a vibrator that was shaped and textured like an aligator. When they saw it they laughed, but told me to not bother shopping for them this Christmas season. I can't for the life of me figure out why.

We ambled back upstairs ("Try not to hold onto the railing, ladies. You don't know whose hands have been touching it or what condition those hands were in.") and decided to browse around just a little more and help Gihran find his video. The search was unsuccessful and we were getting more exhausted as the minutes ticked by. I suggested that we head for the Cafe and call it a night. They agreed and off we went.

We made it back to Cafe Coco and quickly went our separate ways. I think the girls were a little too tired to wait in line for coffee, so Gihran and I poked fun at toastido for bailing on us. We had a pretty good time and we weren't going to let toastido get away with not hearing about it. Shortly afterwards, Gihran split and I decided to head home, too. The exhaustion was so much that I could barely focus or carry on an intelligent conversation, so I figured that sleep was the best remedy.

Admission to three different strip clubs for 2 guys and 2 girls: $122 total
Tipping the dancers: roughly $50
Four lap dances: $75
Hearing Gihran shout, "I've been assaulted by a deadly breast!": Priceless

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