(SMALL NOTE: Some people may be offended by this. Particularly if you are the Queen Mother, or a member of the Royal Family (that's Royal, not Royle). If you are, I humbly apologise and promise never to laugh again. If you are not offended by this, congratulate yourself on being a real person, free of the PC bullshit that lurks around every corner in this sometimes droll world. Also, I call on you to use your Santa Claus Muscle below: Just because it may not be true, don't let it spoil the fun.)
I usually delete forwarded 'humour' emails like this, but this is some of the funniest stuff I have read in a long time. And if it is really true, then there is hope for Britain after all. In case you didn't know, every church, government building, hen house, out house and dog house in the UK has had a 'Book of Remembrance', in which the public can leave notes of condolence and remembrance for the Queen Mother, who died on March 30, 2002. These are some of the more, um, unusual entries.
Real excerpts from The Queen Mother's Book of Remembrance:
"I think that the Queen Mum and Princess Diana are our very own Twin Trade Towers. At last we can look the people of New York in the face".
"When Diana died I swore I would never smile
again, but eventually I did.
Now the Queen Mum has gone I cannot image that I will ever smile for the
rest of my life, but I will probably break that one too".
"She was one of the old school
, all the remaining royals
"I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
"She was a trooper
and she never gave up. I remember one time she was
visiting a school and I asked her if she would like to make a visit to the cloakroom
before she left. 'No' she replied, 'I didn't give in to the
and I won't give in to the bladder
'. That's how she was, a fighter, who
refused to be beaten by anything. She pissed
herself later though, it was
B. Forrester, North Yorkshire.
"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover
L. J.Worthington, Penrith.
"I am absolutely devastated
, at least we could have got the day off"
"How refreshing to be able to mourn the death of a member of the Royal
family without being accused of being homosexual
J. Fletcher, High Wycombe.
"Her death should act as a warning to others who think it is cool to
experiment with drugs
E. Franks, Cheshire.
"On behalf of all blacks, I send the sincerest condolences".
"Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy
it could still drive around The
on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists".
Y. Howell, Slough.
"Once again the Queen
is not upset enough for my liking, the woman should
have a bit more compassion
. How would she feel if it was her mother?"
"It is such a loss, God has shat on our heads
K. O'Neil, Inverness.
"I am sure the Queen Mum will not let this small setback put an end to her public duties
N. Wallace, Swansea.
"I hold Princess Margaret
in no small way responsible for this terrible
E. Thompson, West Lothian.
for us Tony, its the only thing that will make us feel better"
"We must do all we can, send blankets, food parcels, jumpers, anything to
help these brave souls who are queuing up to walk past her coffin".
R. Thompson, Bath.
"I have been unable to masturbate
for five days, and will not do so again
until Her Majesty
E. Gorman, Derbyshire.
"Good God, who is next, Geri Halliwell
R. Combes, Romford.
"No matter how she felt, no matter the situation, she always wore a smile. Just like a retard
G. Hollins, East Sussex.
"I remember she came to visit us in the East End
one time. She was so
kind, so generous and so sweet. She whispered softly in my ear, 'You know its
not true' she said, 'you don't smell of shit'. She was a wondrous person".
"Whichever way you look at it, it just is not as exciting
G.Williams, West Midlands.
"She was one of us, and by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud
or lied about expense claims
. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".
L. Weller, Harlow.
"If only I could get my hands on that fish bone right now, you heartless bastard!"
J. Hedges, Cowdenbeath.
"She had such a difficult life, always battling against adversity
and misfortune. Let us hope that if there is a next time round she is given a life of privilege
"Up yer arse you old bint
Mick H, London