A friend recently asked me if I ever felt cursed. This was my answer.
Do I ever feel cursed? Yes, Sometimes. However, I also have...OK, try to have
an
internal focus of control. I like to believe it was
my procrastination in not maintaining the fluids that made the
car die, not
god.
I don't believe in
luck. It feels like
phenomenon in small groups. Like rolling dice, but give it
a million rolls... I believe in
odds. I like the math, but I have a hard time conceptually understanding it all.
I
think the way the world works is a beautiful system. To me ecosystems have design and beauty that seem planned or
created. I would like to look at the blueprints.
Sometimes it feels like I have
no control. As if there is some
divine plan. We can't
control what they let us control. I just don't believe in
fate. I can't
believe there is a god is watching over us like puppets.
We are only that significant to each other.
Humans are just another animal on a small rock in something more vast than I can even being to imagine. I think we as a species are very egocentric to think we are God's favourite and only. So no, I don't believe that a higher power has cursed me. Nor do I believe in
horoscopes or
mediums to see the future or talk to some other spirit world. I am not sure if I believe in a
spirit world. I want to believe there is something after this life because I have a hard time just enjoying this one. I also have a need to believe that departed loved ones still exist somehow. Logically, I think they don't.
Death eludes me. I want to have
faith in fairy tales, but they are so disappointing. I think death will
either be like 1)something I could never begin to fathom. When I was a fetus, I had no idea what life outside was
like. All I knew was warm liquid, and a few muffled noises. I had no idea.
Or 2) just a big off switch. Game over.
The smartest thing I can say about all of this is I don't know. I hate ruling things
out. There are so
many possible truths. Maybe someone else has the answer, but I don't think so. We spend our lives not knowing if we are cursed or if we are making our own bad luck.
Is there a god that is punishing me or does life just suck. Is there
karma? Is there a
heaven? Is this my fate? Am I cursed? How do I think less about topics I will never have the answer to?