Pick Me, Pic Me, Pick Me, Pick Me Not!

The next time you come across a dating website that advertises itself as "FREE", be forewarned: The price that you pay in lying, or admitting the truth; in facing your past, or rejecting it; and above all, in picking the right photo, will be far more than anything you could have racked up by throwing your handy 16 digit credit card number at a Porsche dealer!

What follows is a cautionary tale for the uninformed, a barrel of laughs for the drunk, and a shout-out to "you know who you are".

On Thursday night, I finally decided to sell my self online.
The truth is that I’m probably better off by myself at this time, but everyone’s doing it, I’m bored, and most of all, I would like to enjoy a friendship with benefits, so I decided that it was time to post my profile online. I got a few beers in me, clipped my finger nails (I now know, that I should have done that in reverse order!) and dragged myself to my keyboard. After what seemed to be a zillion stupid questionnaires and a seemingly endless string of profanities from my mouth, there emerged my online persona.

Pick Me

Below is an excerpt from my profile on popular dating site number one, which shall remain unnamed for various reasons.

Here’s a sad story: I sold my sense of humor in exchange for some airline vouchers last year. Tickets to Asia can be quite pricey, so it seemed like a bargain at the time. However, I hadn't realized the magnitude of my loss until I stared at the empty checkbox on a personality profile.

Seriously though, why is it that I've never heard anyone 'fess up to having a poor sense of humor. For the record, I'd like to say ALOUD to anyone willing to listen, that when it comes to a sense of humor – Mine SUCKS!

Now that we're clear on that, perhaps you won't consider replacing your HDTV with me, and we can each get on with our lives, me with cultivating a brand new sense of humor, and you with your HDTV, which I wouldn't know what to do with anyway, since I keep myself well amused, well informed and happily entertained, without a television.

You'd be entirely surprised or not at all (depending on whether you've done any online dating at all), to hear that I got 5 responses within the hour, all from guys who listed their big screen televisions as one of the five things that they could not live without.

Pic Me

So having gone through the ordeal of coming up with an exotic, yet not-so-exotic-as-to-be-intimidating screenname which has not yet been claimed by some other shameless hussy, writing a funny, yet elegant piece of prose to acquaint my future prospects with my delightful personality, and then filling out endless checkboxes that promised to hold the keys to a sublime dating nirvana, imagine my deep dismay upon realizing that I would also need appropriate photographs to accompany my brilliant description of myself.

I'd been traveling for thirteen months prior to this partner quest, and one would think I'd have amassed a vast store of photographs, any of which would serve the purpose of such shameless licentiousness. Alas, I'm one of those people, who takes a shot or two just to mark the spot, and rarely am I, in one of them, and if somehow, I should happen to be featured in a photograph, you can be sure, that the state of disarray of my hair, will resemble halloween horror, far more closely, than a come-hither look. So I began a feverish search through every folder in my laptop, trying to find some sort of photograph that I could post online in order to elicit the "right kind of response" from the "right kind of man". Folder after folder, I opened them with hope, and shut them with disgust, finding nothing that seemed to capture the essence of me. Drunk and tired, I crawled into bed exhausted, planning on spending all weekend in an exercise of self-glorification on camera!

Little did I realize, when I began this foray into online dating, that part of my feverish zeal, was indeed the raised temperature signaling the advent of the chicken pox. Yes, it true, I'm one of those rare humans who made it well into adulthood without a pox-scar to my name. And fate was determined to rectify that oversight. So as you can guess, the photo shoot has been indefinitely postponed and I continue to use thousands of words to keep myself occupied between oatmeal baths and applications of calamine lotion.

Pick Me

The lack of a visual may be a deterrent on certain forums, but it doesn't seem to present any problems on e2, so here I am, in yet another shameless act of self-aggrandizement, and unimaginable mirth! Come play with me.

Yes, I look just the way you imagined me. That’s right, I am the woman you’ve been dreaming of, and I got dressed tonight just for you. Yes, baby, I'm wearing what you like – the leather skirt, the red sweater, the pearls, nothing- yep, just the way you like it! You just keep imagining it, and know that its true. On the other hand, don't worry if you're having a hard time picturing it. I’ve been with guys who are slow getting started and I can help you with your ahem! little problem there. I suffer from an active imagination, and they tell me it's infectious, so don’t worry too much about it! If we get together, you may find yourself joining in what psychiatrists diagnose as FOLIE a DEUX.

If you've read this far, chances are, that you may already have contracted this rare mental disorder, which literally means "a madness shared by two". Now would be a good time to check for initial symptoms and to see if you have some natural immunity to it. READY?

If your demeanor showed no signs of pleasure or interest during the visual processing of these words, then you're clearly safe from this terrible disease. It is now okay for you to go back to your linear world and buy more things to fill the growing void within.

(Sidenote: If you are unfamiliar with what might be construed as “signs of pleasure”, then please, please contact me, and I promise to share with you, a commonly used sideways lip stretching technique, that may or may not involve a visual display of the teeth, bearing the name “Smile”, AND which I am intensely fond of flashing at others. I have had repeated, unsolicited feedback about my technique and its efficacy rate is remarkably high.)

If, on the other hand, anything close to a smile, or a chuckle escaped the strict control that you exercise over your facial muscles, or heaven forbid, if genuine laughter rang out, or rings out at any time during the next few minutes, you are in SERIOUS TROUBLE!

Regardless of your current physical and emotional state, I suggest you take immediate action to prevent this condition from getting any worse.

Pick Me NOT

I have, at my worst moments, been called a bitter pill to swallow. If that is indeed the case, then an interaction may help your condition, but you should also be aware of the contraindications and potential side-effects. Here’s how the packaging on the label might read.

FDA Statement:
This product has not been made readily available on the market in order to protect the best interests of unsuspecting bystanders and incurable romantics. The absurdity of the contents of this package may make all previously made tall claims seems completely banal and insignificant.

Active Ingredients:
Equal parts Dynamite and Sugar
Inactive Ingredients:
Yet to be determined

Uses: For the temporary relief of boredom, self-aggrandizement and laziness.

Shake (yourself) well before using this product.
Swallow with water as alcohol may exacerbate any pre-existing conditions.

Increasingly high doses have been determined to be safe and beneficial to the healthy and vitality of children and young adults under the age of 20.
Individual Dosage for Adults tends to vary and requires constant monitoring by a qualified professional

For external use only.
It is best to stay away from other distractions while under the influence of this product.
Stop use and consult a therapist/priest/shaman if condition worsens, or does not improve within 72 hours.
For more information, contact your local Poison Control Center as soon as any contact with the product occurs.

Last Words to the Wise

  • You may be tickled, if that's the only way I get to make you laugh.
  • If I have something to say, you'll hear ALL about it.
  • I am CURIOUS about... ("About what?", you ask. Well, it looks like I'm rubbing off on you already!)
  • If my funny bone sticks in your craw, I am certified to do the Heimlich and to give you the kiss of life, if needed.
  • I spell well, but type poorly
  • I think I’m funny, and you can’t tell me I’m wrong, because all it would prove to me is that you don’t have a good sense of humor!

So pick me! Hey, WHY NOT?

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