Inspired by the recent accomplishment by Billy Mitchell
of the world's first perfect
game of Pac-Man
since the game's release almost twenty years before, it was announced Thursday
that there has been a substantiated perfect game of Robotron: 2084
, a fiendishly difficult arcade machine
produced by Williams Electronics
in the early eighties
. The feat was accomplished by God
, an all-powerful, omniscient deity
hailing from the upper reaches of the heavens. God, who had been practicing for the feat for several months on a self-owned Robotron machine installed by his Throne of Light
, finally felt himself ready to tackle the herculean challenge
earlier in the week, at which time he handed the reins of destiny
and all existence over to his son and began his historic game. According to infallible, angel
ic observers and official representatives of the Twin Galaxies
video game scoreboard, God stepped away from the machine three days later, dripping with sweat but triumphant, having finally defeated the game which had obsessed him for so long.
"Earning a perfect score at Pac-Man is an impressive feat," spoke God through a cherubim intermediary, required since the voice of God is fatal to all mortal hearers, including this correspondent. "I stand before all of you now, triumphant in my glory. My children, know now that I have proven you have no need to fear oppression by robotic conquerors. Should your hubris result in the mastering of mankind by human-manufactured, computerized oppressors, I have proven that I can almost certainly overcome them, should I happen not to be doing anything else at the time and can be bothered to help."
The announcement of a perfect score of Robotron came as a shock to most video game industry observers. "A perfect game of Pac-Man, while difficult, is still at least possible." stated long-time game player and Centipede expert Eric Ginner. "With carefully-formulated patterns, the player can be sure to consume every dot, every Energizer pill and both fruit on each of 255 levels, as well as each of the four monsters four times apiece for the first couple of dozen so boards while the monsters still turn blue, all on one life. After 255 levels, a bug in the programming essentially brings the game to an end, at which time the player will have 3,333,360 points. But Robotron has no such game-ending bug, and furthermore a perfect game involves not only destroying all the robots, but also saving each and every human survivor on each wave, from an infinite number of such waves, each more difficult than the last. Sometimes a human is killed right at the start of a level before the player even has a chance of rescuing him, making the task impossible for all mortal players. In addition, Robotron is among the most difficult of games produced by veteran arcade designer and minor demon Eugene Jarvis, who also created Defender and has ruined countless lives with his addictive progeny." Continued Ginner, "No mortal player would stand a chance against these odds, and the feat was considered unlikely even by most deities, either full-blooded or half-breed. God's act proves the perfect game of Robotron is merely impossible, as represented as having a frequency of one-in-infinity, or aleph-null, times, instead of being as frequent as one-in-aleph-one times, or perhaps some even larger transfinite ordinal."
God, buoyed by his victory, has recently commenced work on an upgraded version of reality, one which will reportedly require up to eight Z-80 microprocessors working in concert to realize, and offering a 16-color display controller.