"Mmmmm, if your ass was a Chinese restaurant, I'd have the poo poo platter."

- The Bloodhound Gang, "I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks"

The folks in the Bloodhound Gang cannot possibly know just how foresighted they were when in 1996 they penned that.

And that's because of this worthy. Pastor Martin Ssempa, a Ugandan man of God who is best known nowadays for his psychotic opposition to homosexuality on a slightly obsessive scale. He's a bit like an African Fred Phelps, except more unintentionally hilarious and without all the child abuse and creepy-culty-stalky-stalky bits.

I should firstly explain that in Uganda, homosexuality is illegal, and that in 2009-10 there was (and to the best of my knowledge still is) a Bill going through the Parliament therein to tighten up this restriction. It was proposed that homosexuality should be made a capital offence for repeat offenders and life imprisonment for the first time offender, and that it would also be an imprisonable offence not to rat out anyone you suspect of being a homosexual. The bill obtained huge support from the devoutly religious populace of Uganda, with broad and deep support across both the 90% Christian majority and the 10% Muslim minority, and this was in no small part thanks to the efforts of Pastor Ssempa and his ilk.

What efforts were these, I hear you ask.

Well, what he does is has rallies at which he describes, in toe-curling detail, exactly what homosexual get up to behind closed doors, and shows pr0n that he obtained of these practices in action, usually with a disturbingly enthusiastic running commentary. Analingus and scat he is obsessed with mainly, which he describes as "EATING THE POO POO". And then there's fisting, which he referred to thus:

"As if that is not enough, he puts the hand DEEPARRRRR!"

But mostly, it's "EATING THE POO POO" which he crows about the most. Does the West, he asks, want to force Africans to accept "EATING THE POO POO." Does Barack Obama want to make it a human right to "EAT THE POO POO OF OUR CHILDREN?!?!?!?!" And so on and so forth.

Naturally, the internets being what they are, when he was filmed on an episode of the US documentary Vanguard in 2009, "EAT DA POO POO" became a viral hit. And then there was the obligatory autotune remix (which is okay but not as funny as Bed Intruder or Muslamic Ray Guns). Though it was only a matter of time, there's something funny (in a "what the hell is wrong with you" kinda way) about promoting queer-stomping by showing videos of them "eating the poo poo which is all over his face." To his credit, though, he is a disturbingly effective orator despite his strange fetishes, which is actually a bit scary.

All this research into eating the poo poo must mean that Pastor Ssempa sees an awful lot of scat pr0n in his time. I personally think he must get off on it slightly. Why else would he crow about eating the poo poo, hm? Surely sooner or later this man, who, for the record, is probably so far in the closet he's having adventures in Narnia, will be caught on tape with a large hairy bear or five squatted over his supine form and inflicting upon him what can only be described as faecal bukkake. Either that, or with a dirty sanchez in the shape of a Hitler mustache, which would be doubly fitting.

Needless to say, Pastor Ssempa's reaction to criticism of this anti-gay bill is to immediately cry racism, which provides yet another reason to pray for his destruction forever.

But enough of all that. Do you want to EAT DA POO POO? Well then. Dinner is served.

(IRON NODER 2011 4/30)

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