On May 16, 2008, PETA announced they
received enough signatures to get on ballots in every State in the 2008
US Federal election. They fielded 100 candidates for Senate and 532 for
the House. PETA — who had been secretly drilling for oil in Alaska and
had enough money to cover the Statue of Liberty in 1000 dollar bills —
hired a top notch campaign staff, composed of such notables as Karl
Rove, Rupert Murdock, Pat Sajak, Barry Bonds and Noam Chomsky.
This PETA campaign staff utilized fear tactics:
PETA did well in these elections, beating Democrats and Republicans for 58 Senate seats and 293 House seats.
Over the next four years, this new political majority proceeded to
enact laws that banned meat eating in America. Soon after, a worldwide
ban was enacted by the United Nations.
20 years later.
In a Rapid City middle school history class, underweight eleven year
old Sharon Nyes learned that humans used to eat meat. It was listed
under the heading, “Evils of World History”, ranking second place
between Christianity and the World Bank, ahead of Nazism and Classical Greek Philosophy.
Sharon had never heard of eating meat. She knew she was supposed to
be terrified, but for some reason her mouth began to water. On her way
home, she slumped to the ground, victimized by the recurring images of
that day’s lesson and the hungry growling in her stomach.
“What am I becoming? My God, what am I becoming?” she wept.
A week later, she was crouched over a flying electric car air-road killed condor, looking at the bright colors of entrails.
Her palms clammy, and her mouth watering.
As she ellipsed her mouth for a bite, the thought police — who embed
microchips in all humans brains during the second trimester — arrested
her on the spot. She was executed ten minutes later at 6:42am, March
That afternoon, PETA officials — who had succumbed to the
scrumptious pleasures of unadulterated power — enjoyed a Thai delicacy: coconut curried fresh girl with basil and pine nuts.