A crafty blend of U.S. History and fictional commentary (written by myself, all apologies to The Onion)
I was enjoying my usual pot of boiling horseradish yester-day morning when an intoxicated Irishman had the nerve to ring my estate’s door-bell asking for money. He claimed that he was really the milkman and his large supply of milk would have been very convincing to the average man, but he was no match for my wit. ‘Be-gone, filthy foreigner! I have no thought of opening my pocket-book to continue your enjoyment of drink!’ I said, and then proceeded to instruct my Dobermans to maul him. After thoroughly enjoying the carnage, I realized that the plague of unclean Irish-men is threatening to choke our precious Lady Liberty! Why, the infidel that I encountered did not possess the literacy to read the warning-sign on my gate, which I can attest most clearly read, ‘All Drunken Irish-Men Caught Loitering on the Premises will be Mauled by Dobermans!’ I am quite sure that the Irish scourge is responsible for the current popularity of hedonistic news-papers engaging in the hated ‘yellow journalism’, instead of subscribing to this fine edition, which is free of the muckraking sensationalism found in lesser papers.
I supposed in my illusionary years that the Irish would be-come satisfied partaking in our beverage and return to the depths of the inferno from whence they came. But I was gravely mistaken! It is now clear that (in a rare moment of sobriety) these tricky gnomes planned on making America their permanent home! Surely, we cannot allow these ruffians to assimilate into our culture, which we have been cultivating for decades to be respectable and Irish-free. I shudder to think of the fate of the precious Zwiebel blood. Could it someday be tainted with Irish filth? Uggh...Nurse, bring me another tranquil-izer! That’s much better.
Perhaps we have something to learn from our brothers to the South. For years the meddling Negro has pestered the hardworking Southern white man to obtain some silly little rights that they think are so important. When that meddling Lincoln character gave the Negroes the vote, those glorious South-men didn’t yield any ground. First, they created the poll tax, because everyone knows that a Negro could never scrape together a few dollars to vote. They had many other restrictions that I can’t seem to recall after my last coma. However, I do remember that because the same restrictions had to apply to the upstanding white Southerner as well as the lowly Negro, they came up with grandfather clauses, which exempted voters from the restrictions if they had ancestors who voted before black suffrage. The joke’s really on those Negroes! Ha ha!!
Of course, the Negroes didn’t think it was very funny. They just keep trying and trying to get rid of these so-called ‘Jim Crow’ laws (probably named after the eminent South-man who came up with them, although I’m not sure). Then the Negroes felt that they should become ‘advanced’, thus creating the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP), which will surely bother well-meaning bigots like myself for eternity. A particularly meddleful Negro, W.E.B. Du Bois, started the Niagara Movement, which is another organization created to grant full civil liberties to the Negroes (not, as I originally understood, a plan to move Niagara Falls from its dangerous location near those dishonest Canadians).
Enough of this! I’m going to take action! We can’t let the Irish situation become what the Negro situation already is! In an effort to prove that I am indeed an important philanthropist, I am donating a large sum of the revenue from my publishing empire to create the L.O.U.R.A.H.D.O.L.L.F.T.H.I. (The League of Upstanding, Righteous, and Harmonious Defenders of Lady Liberty from the Hated Irish-man). Now no-one can blame me for taking the easy way out and lapsing into a coma every time a problem arises! No sir!!
Yes, I am Irish, yes, I did write it, and no, TWAJS.