So, it looks like we're really commited to redestroying Saddam. My friend in the Army is getting shipped off to Kuwait or some other God-forsaken country, and I started thinking about how we're going to destroy Saddam.
Now, given, we throw enough soldiers at Iraq, and eventually we'll kill him, like we killed Osama. But, troops aren't cool. Winning a war with the world's most powerful military force won't help - we'll just end up pissing off a lot more bitter foreigners, and they'll keep terrorizing us. If we're going to do this, we have to impress people. We have to do it right, we have to be cool. Soldiers may win this battle, but they won't win this war. To win this war, we need ninjas and Camaros and other elements of coolness, to win over all those neanderthals who aren't American.
In order to do this, I present to you...
Operation: Ninja Patriot
Operation: Ninja Patriot would attempt to use the best elements of American culture to inundate the Middle East with American Pride. In doing so, not only would we topple Saddam, but we'd create peace in the region and make a whole new demographic of consumers for us to sell crap to.
Operation: Ninja Patriot would be composed of the following parts...
- Command - Steve Jobs: This man has proven himself capable of marketing junk to the masses. Jobs would ensure that each of the Strike Forces was color-coded with designations such as "Grape", "Lime", and "Pink Colored Bubble of Happiness".
- Strike Force - Shirt Ninja: Coming into Iraq from Iran, Strike Force Shirt Ninja would be responsible for occupying any Baghdad. While ninjas are potent, Shirt Ninjas are even more so. Their shirt clothed heads would be indistinguishable from turbans, so they would have no trouble getting into Baghdad and spreading out, before they started killing everybody. (For a more detailed briefing on Shirt Ninjas, please head to www.reallifecomics.com)
- Strike Force - Kournikova: Coming into Iraq from Syria to the west, Strike Force Kournikova would set up a camp in the Syrian Desert. It would be broken up into three squads:
These squads would perform the following missions:
- Sporty Squad: Play beach volleyball, naked.
- Baby Squad: Giggle and bounce, naked.
- Posh Squad: Rub oil all over themselves, naked.
- Covert Ops - Sniper Gerbils: While we're occupying Iraq, someone has to be hunting down Saddam. Our nation's supply of ninjas will be occupied with Strike Force Shirt Ninja (hey, we're not Japan), so we'll have to resort to our second best option: snipers. But snipers are big guys, and might get shot themselves. A smaller sniper is needed, and a gerbil should do it. Who would expect a cute, harmless little gerbil? Those guys never move! We'd put them through some intense training (we know the love the wheels), and train them to use sniper rifles. Then they'd hunt down Saddam. Perfect.
- Clean Up - Wal * Mart: Somewhere in Kuwait, we'll build a lot of Wal-Marts. Then, using helicopters (that would require, what, about ten apiece? If we run out of helicopters, we'll just ask Colombia to give some back) we'll fly them in to the newly subjugated Iraq and place them down all over the place. The few remaining dissenters will have no choice but to buy books from the Left Behind series, and then they'll realize they're just Godless heathens.
Can you see it people? God Bless America! Long live the President!