And I wake up in the mornings and raise my
zombie self. Why is returning back to my
home country for good such a heavy question on me now? It wasn't so when I first came here to the
USA. I was sure I just want to come here once and say goodbye forever. Staying away from home was never some option I would go for anyway. What with all my
laziness and
carelessness sure to eat me up before the end of the day. And why did I come here in the first place?
Destiny ?? ... would I replace mine with someone else if I have a chance today? No ... I love this life of mine - I don't want a single thing altered ... but if only I could have a few parameters of my own added in ...
I go out of the room and stand in my balcony. I live on 2nd floor in a three-floor apartment complex. It would be called 1st floor in India. My father always maintained that a house should either be on the ground floor or the top floor. The person sandwiched in between is always under fire, top floor guys keep banging on the floor to make noise and ground floor guys keep complaining about the noise your footsteps make. Maybe my yahoo horoscope is right, I should be among the people who love me.
Or am I thinking about all this just to feel secure? Having an alternative life somewhere out there feels secure ... so this part of my life is more or less like a dream. There'll come a day when I'll catch the flight to return to my home. I have my room in my home ... It has my computer - It needed dusting when I last saw it ...
And when I return back, things would be the way I left them and my mother would wake me up in the morning, I would read my favorite local Newspaper in bed, which would most probably have been teared into pieces by Mowgli, my ill tempered pet canine ... Mowgli would lick my face and playfully run around ... and growl at me every now and then ... I'll touch those walls again ... drive to my first ever office again to smile with old coworkers ... meet all my childhood friends, they would all be back in my life as I had left them ... or would they?
Things go out of shape and form and recognition if you take your eyes off them. Its like clouds up in the air. They are moving, but you might not notice it if you keep looking, its only if you look after every some interval that you notice them changed, or vanished into thin air.
God, in his wisdom, created that feeling of love and affection so life would go on ... but he added in that requirement for proximity so that one forgets those who have left ... and that's necessary or else everyone would spend their lives grieving. So we forget those who've left and get merry with those who are close, at times following a lot of pain and tears ... but what about those who have left? Do they forget as well? Is this implied? Do they not carry the notion of a person going to sleep with them? That when they return (wake up), things would be as they were left (before going to sleep) ... that people who knew them would still know them ...
I'm scared to think of way things would have changed for me when I wake up ... and I'm planning to keep my eyes shut even after waking up and pretend to be asleep ... even when I want to get up and take a look around, this fear grips and pins me down ...