More events in my life:

I am on the metro in Washington, DC. It is not rush hour. I am reading my book.

I suddenly realize as the metro stops, my car is empty. I am the only one in the car. One man gets on. I am hyperalert. He walks down the car and sits next to me.

The car starts up. I stare at my book.

"Hi." he says, "What's your name?"

I don't answer.

"C'mon. What's your name?"

"I am reading my book. I don't want to talk."

"C'mon, baby, be nice."

I stand up, purse and book. "Excuse me." I step by him and stand at the metro car door. I get off that car at the next stop and move to the next one with people on it. Shaking with both the threat and anger, that I have to deal with this.

2. I take a dance class in Washington, DC. I work at the National Institutes of Health. I leave my car at NIH and ride the metro.

One night I get off the metro at NIH and I am riding up the escalator, with my backpack.

A man, clearly drunk, steps up on the escalator beside me, and says "Hi, baby, what's your name?"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I snarl and stomp up the escalator. It is dark and there are very few people at the stop and in the lot. I am in danger from this drunk.

I am walking fast at the top, away from the escalator, when I hear running steps behind me. WHACK! He takes a swing at me and runs off. He hits my backpack and not me. I am screaming at him.

He is gone. I run to my car, get in, and sit there, hands on the wheel. Shaking. There is a part of me that wonders what I would do if he crossed the road in front of my car.

My next class is not dance. I take tae kwan do.

3. I have used my tae kwan do once so far. Where? In first year medical school.

No way, you say.

Yes, way.

We have lecture after lecture in the same hall. We usually sit in the same places. I am newly married. The guy behind me starts tickling my neck during a lecture, with a pen. I twitch a couple times and then hear muffled giggles and realize that it's the person behind me.

I stiffen and wait until I am really ready. Breathe. The tickle comes. I snap a basic block back and forward: and have his pen.

He SCREAMS!

The whole class turns towards us. The lecturer stops, staring. I am facing forward, holding the pen down low, not moving. He has the entire room staring at him, everyone but me. He doesn't say a word. You could hear a .... pen.... drop.

The lecturer shakes his head and continues.

I keep the pen.

Just think, he's a doctor.

Today I'm reflecting. I'm not feeling very well, the front of my face hurts from sinus pain and pressure, and I'm wondering if I'm coming down with the same thing that ruptured my youngest daughter's eardrum last night. I woke up early and made some squash soup that nobody ate except for me. Since I had to work, I had asked my oldest if she would take my youngest in, after the visit I learned that we no longer have health insurance, and might not get it back. I had a job and then I got another one. There is an income gap, and I exceeded it. Next month I probably won't, but I guess you never know. I'm upset, but this is on me. I know the rules, and I broke them. States that provide health insurance for people like me and my family want to make sure that their recipients are following their guidelines, and I didn't.

They're going to mail paperwork to each of my employer's, current, and previous, and there's really nothing I can do except wait to see what they decide. When I talked to my boss he said he was having trouble finding more hours for me so we agreed to have me work part time. This felt like a moment of major victory for me. Today I'm much less optimistic. But I am still positive that come what may, our family will find a way. A lot of people falter when their faith, loyalty, etc..., are questioned. I have done this in the past, been angry at God, or others. Now I am sad and mad at myself. But I am taking ownership rather than trying to find another way to shove the blame onto someone else. It feels as if I work very hard, but I know I could be working much harder. It is time for me to become a better parent, more self sufficient, and self reliant. Nothing good comes easy, nothing that is worth having falls into your life and stays there without a fight. Today I am committed to it.

Xoxo,

J

P.S. The Brett Kavanaugh confirmation was sickening. My plans are vague, but I received my absentee ballot in the mail, and that felt like a great step in the right direction.

j

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