I'm losing my shit a little bit.

I'm not exactly sure why, my feelings and I aren't close.

Besides getting the shit beaten out of me (from what I now figure, this may have been just me, looking for kicks (in the face) and partially to piss wifey off) I've had a bit of a rough patch.

It may be because of the above... and possibly why I thought I'd write my Stasik's Scars stories. I thought it'd be fun to write about my shit.
After I decided to write Stasik's scars, I didn't sleep for two days, every time I'd close my eyes, I'd remember another thing that damaged me. As you may have figured, there were a few.

When I was a little bit younger, I tried digging into my subconscious, with similar results, so I turned feelings off and went about my day.

I may have written about this: I'm on good terms with my family, but I never really talk to them (or anyone else), unless my scull is about to crack open and take over the universe.
I messaged my sister the other day, this is how I generally do it..

no hello, no how are you
"I've been trying to write"
*paste 20 pages of Stasik scar stories.

she comes back with..

"I seriously couldn't do it, I don't like the past very much and don't want to relive it"
"why didn't you tell dad?"

- I got robbed when I was 9, told dad and he told me I shouldn't be hanging out with those kinda guys
- she was writing a PhD, she had enough problems
- you can't stop a spin kick to the back of my head after school
- but knowing your friends (she's 2 years older) helped a few times.

I have a feeling I'm going to have to write all my shit down (it's not as bad as it sounds, I'm just soft).
But that's a full time job, and I might have to use adjectives.

I generally have to get very drunk before any of this comes out, and I'm a bit of a dribbling idiot before Stasik's Scars get posted.
Not like my life has been bad.. and I can shrug off most things, but when I write... I have to be there, I have to feel the pain, feel the old scars being created.

What are you gonna do
? *shrug* (if you want, ask me about the last line of this log if you get that far)

I wrote a little poem the other day, no one liked it, but it was about "I WANT TO BE UNDERSTOOD!"

I think that's why I try to write.. It's really just me trying to talk, in the dark, to a white screen that doesn't care, it comprehends everything that I say and doesn't need explanations.

I think that's why a lot of people crack it on here, they write to a white screen, but get responses from idiot people.

I don't have to hold back, except sometimes I have to not write "nigger" or "fag", but that rarely comes up, I don't even know any black people in real life. To tell you the truth, I don't think I've ever met a.. black American (I'm not sure what the proper term is these days).

I'm a little bit racist (Americans are silly and jews are greedy), but to my surprise, I found that I'm actually one of the least racist people I know, I'm not sure if that's good or bad.. and for who.

In personal life, I'm sexist, I'm Russian. It's convenient. I'd be sexist in real life if you washed the blood out of my clothes.

I used to smoke too much (nicotine)

I drink too much.

I sometimes enjoy hurting people.

I'm not afraid of anything, except for one thing.

What happened this week? Well I'll tell you what didn't happen. The Pandeism Anthology Project did not get a John Templeton Foundation grant. Instead, we got this letter in the mail:
Thank you for your interest in the John Templeton Foundation and for submitting an Online Funding Inquiry. Your project, "Pandeism Anthology Series" (ID#FI-16523), was carefully reviewed and considered for funding.

Unfortunately, the Foundation has decided not to invite a full proposal for this project. Each inquiry is considered in relation to other submissions, along with the potential for innovation and outcomes that advance the Foundation's mission. We regret that we often have to decline even very promising project ideas.

The Foundation appreciates your time, effort, and thoughtfulness in preparing and submitting your inquiry. We wish you success in your future endeavors and efforts to obtain alternative funding for this project.

With best wishes,

John Churchill
John Templeton Foundation
Well ya can't win 'em all. And so, we will carry on as before, scrambling week to week and month to month to keep the lights on. But the lights, they do stay on....

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