October 25, 2018

Yesterday I was by myself for the end of my shift. Nobody came in and I was relieved. I don't feel as if I really know what I am doing at work. I feel like I am being set up for failure rather than success and I'm not really sure what to do about it, if anything. Earlier I read something interesting about empathy. At a past time I thought I needed to work on becoming more empathetic. I focused on understanding emotional states and tried to really cue in on what I sensed that others might be feeling. Today I read something that the Radical Candor book addresses, ruinous empathy. In this case, the person being ruined, is me. I can sense when others are displeased, perhaps to an uncanny extent. Sometimes I feel obligated to try and placate them, and there are times when I do things that I need to apologize for, but there are also times when I'm putting others ahead of myself in a way that helps nobody.

I've been really sad lately. It was helpful to have a friend over, she's going to come back and better circumstances will emerge, but that isn't going to address the deeper state. I almost never feel good about the future even though I would describe myself as a mostly positive and optimistic person. Having an outlook that is sunny helps, but it doesn't counter the dread and terror that goes with me throughout my day. I can't seem to figure out how to deal with the anxiety and it's a major problem that I need to address. I also want to work on building my self esteem. I read an interesting piece about self sabotage, and I'm trying to integrate those concepts into a healthier life for me and others. There are a lot of great things about my life, but it could be so much better if I would just do the things I need to do when they need to be done.

At my last job I liked the actual work and did not get along with the people. Here I like the people, but don't care for the actual job. This is distressing even though I'm largely better off than I was previously. I can't stop thinking about what will happen when my oldest turns eighteen and her sister decides she no longer wants to stay with me. Part of me thinks that I need to take a break from raising children and let them both go stay with their father. These relationships are not healthy and I really don't know what more I can do other than keep on doing what I have been. I'm investing too much and they're taking advantage of me. I was raised to be a people pleaser and it's gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years. I spend so much time trying to figure out how to avoid making others angry or upset that it takes a tremendous toll on me.

Last night a woman and her sister came in, I felt like she was flirting with the guy I was working with and I didn't really care, but I found it interesting. She ended up having to stay after he left. I learned more about her job and circumstances, and I found myself becoming increasingly envious of her. On one hand, I don't really want to be her, but I want some of the things she has. Comparing yourself to another is typically harmful and futile, but I like to be honest with myself about when I do it and what I learn from these experiences. I know that many whose lives seem to be together are also struggling with things I know nothing about, but there are ways to improve myself, even if it's just accepting that I'm at a different place, and there's nothing inherently wrong with someone who has had a lot of jobs.

Maybe it is nothing more than completely letting go of these ideals and the idea that I am somehow a failure in many areas of life. That's what it feels like. I don't want to go places, but I do need to get out more. I'm frustrated, upset, angry, sad, anxious, emotional, sensitive, and not being as assertive as I need to be. My children can be doing more and I need to create a structured routine that clearly indicates what needs to get done by when and what the consequences are if these things are not done. I'm so exhausted by everyday life that it seems as if even the smallest of things requires enormous effort and I don't force myself to just power through and get it done. Then these things hang over me like ghosts that I can't put to rest. I am frequently impatient, especially with myself, but I can see how even a tiny bit more effort in certain areas would give me a better life, one that is closer to the one I need. I guess that is a place to start.

Xoxo,

J

***

I started going back through recent messages other users have sent. It's touching to have people who care and comments about things I've written. I don't hear that kind of feedback anywhere else so I really value and cherish it here.

Much love,

j

Hello my friends! I am Berhardt Goats (friends call Behr) and today I was thrown off the Manafort jury by agents of the Deep State. I didn't fly through turbulence over the Sea of Japan in the summer of 1973 to put up with this shit. I have rights.

They are also holding me in a cell and thankfully one of the guards is a supporter of our godlike president and got me what the kids call a "laptop" (spelled L-A-P-T-O-P if you are taking notes). He wanted to keep abreast of developments and is a regular follower of my newspaper reporter job at everything2. Which is a website.

They are claiming that I committed a crime by repeatedly stimulating another juror during the trial with my old man hands. This is a preposterous accusation. I have NEVER stimulated another juror sexually in any way and I have old man hands. That is women's work generally (unless it it men giving comfort to other men in a non-gay way through sex which is okay).

I am something of an X-Man since I have powers that are BEYOND HUMAN due to operations I had in Germany in the late 1930s. I am able to mutate my right hand into different things, I have brain tinglers in my head ALL THE TIME NOW, and the creature that lived in my bum is now loose in Baltimore or what we in the Queen City call "The Greater Baltimore Area including the harbor." That is how we make it easier to explain because sometimes people think Baltimore is just a city. It is a whole damned town for crissakes.

This holding cell is uncomfortable and there is no way to masturbate privately. It is very unconstitutional. I have talked to my Slick Willie lawyer type associate about this matter. He is going to be posting bail. I have very extensive financial holdings so I don't have to sell a child to get out of jail by going to one of those bail bonds place like losers do. I like people who win. Losers need to die. Doctors need to throw themselves into the ocean with cinder blocks chained to their ankles (unless they are double amputees in which case other measures will be taken). I am glad this is part of Brandon Hitler's platform for his planned 2024 presidential run (when hard working President Trump will finally get a chance to relax and play some golf).

They are coming and I need to give my pal back his laptop. He told me to look for the Aryan Brotherhood for support if I go to prison (which I won't because I'm rich). I think those are the black guys and I can't really pass for that even though my mother was of Palestinian stock and I have green blood. It was replaced in my body when I was eight years old by a surgeon who had a monocle. I think that is how you spell that word.

Pretty soon I'll be back to reclining by the pool I acquired from my neighbor through skilled use of eminent domain and manifest destiny legal precedents. Slick Willie lawyer type associate is skilled in these matters.

Although I was kicked off the jury I will still be busy. My small business that involves reappropriating people's medication according to my personall beliefs is suffering in my absence. And I still have to find that hairless weasel that mutated like I have over the years. You wouldn't believe how many testicles I have. They need to make dry humping random women in bars legal again like it was in the 1970s (when America was great before). I can't take it any longer.