I forgot to tell you (friends) what happened to me after Jury Duty last night.
One of the jurors I supervise as jury foreman asked me out for coffee after court let out. We had a coffee and he asked if I wanted to come by his place and watch DVDs. I wanted to keep juror number eight on my side, so I agreed, because the future of the country is at stake and usually when I'm not being the jury foreman for the trial I am out in front of the courthouse marching around with a "Free Manafort" sign giving out chocolate bars.
This guy had a weird house, but at least he wasn't a fuck up who rented where he lived. A man without money is no man at all, said Mark Twain. We are only measured by our net worth. Any other measurement of personal value is shit. So, this guy had money but he was a weirdo. I don't generally like weirdos and have been known to "torture" and "murder" them in my basement work camp but this weirdo needed to find Manafort not guilty of all charges so I had to go along with it.
The weird stuff was form of weird art and furniture. It was all like a kid's room with bright colors and plastic chairs. This was awful enough but he made me take off my shoes and I had a hole in my sock caused by juror number seven wanting to suck on my toes. I am a patriot and I love my country so I do what I have to do to free Paul Manafort. A true patriot sacrifices for freedom and justice.
This guy has some DVD he is keen (internet kiddie term) on showing me. He puts it in and gives me a box of fruit juice with a little bent straw stuck in it and says it is a "juice box." I told them this is not an adult beverage and he starts giggling like a dick. This is more than I bargained for but then I see he has put in some really fucked up DVD with these little communist drones dressed in bright colors talking about tinky winky and other crazy stuff. I look at this guy and he is smiling, sitting next to me on the couch drinking his juice box and watching this shit, which he keeps telling me is "Teletubbies" and that it is educational. I have no idea what I am supposed to be learning from this film strip and I'm getting really uncomfortable especially when this talking sun shows up in the program.
"Did you want a handy or something?" I kept asking him because I was trying not to look at this very disturbing liberal program.
He shakes his head and tells me he wants to spend "quality time" with me which solves the riddle of why I always got disgusted when people used that phrase. I beat a co-worker to death in an elevator shaft because he told me, "I am going to spend quality time with my wife this weekend." We can't have that crap in America. It belongs in The Netherlands and needs to stay the fuck over there.
I can't take this and my sock is wet from my juice box spilling in addition to juror number seven's saliva and I want to go home so I stand up and tell Juror number eight that I need to get some sleep because I'm old and bald and have paunchy stomach. He tells me to wait and watch this fucked up program and I can't take it any longer. I run towards the door and see it has a big poster of some talking train cartoon on it and ask this idiot if he has a kid and he tells me "I never married." I don't understand any of this. I don't understand any of this.
They sent an ambulance to get me (which I paid for and didn't do on the government dole) and took me to the hospital (also paid out of pocket with no skin off my teeth). They said I had a panic attack and needed to start taking medicine. They said my "insurance" covered it, which is code for the government dole, so I declined the medication. Doctors make me want to throw up and they are going to be the first to be sentenced to the wonderful work camps my friend and leader Brandon Hitler has planned for America. They say I have problems with anxiety and anger management. I just hope the brain tinglers don't come again tonight to dance around inside my head. That always makes me more edgy the next day.
I'm also concerned because the hairless creature inserted into my rectum in the late 1930s did get free and has mutated. There is no way to track it down until it kills and kills again.
My friends.