Last night I stayed up late talking to a friend of mine. The best thing about friends is them telling me things that I need to hear in a manner that is gentle because they care enough about me to tell me unpleasant truths. Another friend of mine has been going to church every week. He's going to be baptized soon, I'm really proud of him for taking this step as it is something important to him that's improved his quality of life. I hadn't been to church in a long time, weeks turned into months, I told myself I was being 'spiritual', but I was avoiding my church. When I sat down to think about it I realized that for some reason it's hard for me to get up and get going Sunday morning. Monday evenings don't work because I'm tired when I get home from my job. The solution turned out to going to church where most of the rest of my family goes on Saturday evening.
Periodically I revisit how many resources I'm consuming. Driving half an hour to get to church is not the worst gas and oil consumption out there, but I'd like to try and find a church that's closer to me, or combine this activity with something else so I'm more efficient with my time and money. Tears rolled down my face while I listened to the sermon. My friend doesn't believe in God and finds church a waste of time. I know others feel similarly, but church offers me a great source of personal comfort and reassurance. It's familiar, small churches feel cozy to me, it's a safe place where I can sit down for an hour and listen to what someone else has to say, I enjoy singing, especially when the songs are melodic and the tunes are ones that I remember.
My phone has an app that helps me monitor my sleep. It reminds me to go to bed at 8:30, so far I've been unsuccessful there, but I like the idea that I get a reminder so I can start winding down for the evening. I wanted to see who won the game, the Chicago Cubs are going to the World Series to face the Cleveland Indians, I believe the games will be fairly well matched, I don't have a rooting interest which always feels odd to me. The teams I liked are out of it, now it's just a matter of waiting for the outcome. I tend to get a bit nostalgic at the end of baseball season. The furor and frenzy of the season dies down, I find myself at loose ends, and need other things to occupy the part of my life that baseball did.
I've been thinking about my romantic relationship and what I want out of it. My current plan is to send him a message that says something along the lines of - 'Help me out, I love you, I want to be a part of your life, but I need more than you're prepared to give, can we still be friends going forward?' I've leaned heavily on my friends, too much at times, if it takes this many people to support me in a relationship, there's red flags that I'm going to address. There are sucky things about being single, but there's also a weight that's lifted when you're able to let go and let someone else have the freedom and independence that they need.
I've done some pretty ridiculous things in my life. This morning I read a post about five minute habits that will change your life. Simple things that I should have been doing all along, making my bed, packing a healthy lunch, preparing my car, laying out my things the night before, creating a budget and sticking to it, writing out my week ahead of time, making lists and prioritizing them. Setting goals for myself. I'm really pleased with what I accomplished this weekend. My tendency is to do the minimum and focus on writing since it doesn't feel as if I get time to write the way I want to during the week. I did a lot of cooking so I have food for the upcoming week. I bought individually packaged nut butters to keep in my bag and locker at work.
I never know where I'm going to be when I need a snack, preparation is key, and I'm much better prepared to be a single woman who loves life on her own than I was the last time a romantic relationship ended. Getting down to the heart of some of my emotional and intimacy issues is going to be a priority, I have a lot to discuss with my therapist when I see her next, but this is progress and while it may not be pretty, in the end I'm going to have something beautiful.
Praying this finds you well,