Today was very quiet since the girls left to go see their dad on Friday. I've done a lot of things I regret over the past 43 years. I've done some things I am proud of too. Ever since I joined the world of online dating, I have learned a lot. It doesn't seem as if it would be that difficult to connect and meet up with people that you like, dating is one of those things that seems deceptively simple, and maybe I am just overcomplicating it, but let's take last night's date as an example. The guy is looking for something casual and doesn't come right out and ask for sex or say anything that indicates he is out for that, only that, and nothing but that. He tells me he works two jobs and may or may not be free Saturday evening. I had an amazing conversation with someone on Friday, and didn't hear a word out of them all day so then that was confusing. I agree to go out with the guy who tells me he is off work early and is up for whatever I would like to do.
Since it was game seven of the NLCS the only thing on my agenda is watching that game. We agree to meet at a wine bar, and I tell him there are several places nearby that will be playing the game on however many screens they have. I drive past the bar to park, see a guy smoking outside, and somehow know right away that this is my date. He is there and I make the best of things. He doesn't smell like smoke, maybe he vapes, but he has that raspy voice and slight cough. He's a couple years younger than I am, surprisingly better looking than his pictures, and can carry on an actual conversation. Maybe this won't be so bad even though I am not really attracted to him. I order a ginger beer, and am disappointed when the bartender hands me a brown bottle rather than the green one the bar used to carry. Still, it's not bad, and things could be worse. He finishes his beer and we leave to walk next door.
The door is held for me so even though I paid for my own drink, I can tell he is trying. He orders food and apologizes for eating in front of me even though I tell him it is no big deal. It's not really, but I felt like agreeing to meet at a wine bar implied we wouldn't be eating an actual meal. I tell myself I am being overly sensitive and watch him polish off a burger and fries while washing it down with another beer. He doesn't offer to get me anything, but I think I've already made it clear that I would refuse anyways, so this is not a huge deal to me even though I think it is polite to ask regardless of a potential refusal, but perhaps that is just me. The game starts and I'm excited. I have a clear view of the screen in front of me and even though my date is not a huge baseball fan, he knows who the main players are which is important to me since I don't want to have to try and explain anything to anyone during the game.
Not long after it starts he gets up and goes to the front of the bar. Again, this is not a big deal and I think little of it until he comes back and tells me he has to leave. I wonder if something happened, but no, he just has to go put his son to bed. This sounds phony beyond belief to me, I am livid because I passed up an opportunity to watch the game with a friend who called after I had already agreed to go out with him, and felt like it would be rude to cancel. If you know anything about sports you know that an elimination game that ends the season, or leads you to the biggest stage the sport has is a key one, and you certainly would know in advance that a game starting at 7:09 PM in a city that is 30 - 40 minutes away from where you live is going to mean you will miss bedtime. I feel ridiculously disrespected, but am so angry I can't really speak. I manage to tell him not to worry about it and leave.
My friend is super nice when I get to her place. The Brewers end up losing and I shed some tears on the way home. I'm so fortunate to have the friends that I do. No matter what I am going through, divorce, death of a family member, job loss, parenting issues, health problems, whatever life throws at me they are there to pick me up, empathize, and hold me accountable. Tomorrow my friend is coming over and I am so grateful to be having help that I feel that I really need. A guy I like finally got back to me after I reached out to him and I feel like I screwed everything up by telling him about the bad date instead of just about anything else, it probably didn't help that I was in the middle of this so that was on my mind. Oh well, if he can't handle me, maybe it is just not meant to be, at least I am putting myself out there again, and that feels like a positive.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. Sometimes I am so silly I just look back on myself and laugh.
j