... is the day I turn 23. This has statistical and paranormal significance, I'm sure.

... is also exactly two years before the end of the world begins, according to certain wacko doomsday cults, many of which I didn't start.


Well, I'm 23 now. The day snuck up on me and basically nobody but my mother and Everythingians knows about it. Honestly, this doesn't bother me; it's just an arbitrary position of the earth in relation to the sun. So I have no real plans. Perhaps I'll do my cocktail of LSD, DXM, Salvia, and Psilocybe Cubensis this weekend.

I've decided to start exercising. The real motivation behind all this is a pair of black vinyl pants that make my ass look good. They're size 31, and I just don't fit in them without a lot of tugging, and I've developed enough of a gut for it to hang ever so slightly over the waist, and that just doesn't look right.

In light of that, I've got a plan. I need exercise, anyway. But I don't have motivation. So my plan is to keep a record of my exercise accomplishments here in the daylogs. Now, I don't know what a lot of the exercises are called; I just remember them from a Tae Kwon Do class I used to take.

I'm also keeping tabs on my insomnia, to see if the exercise does anything to curb it.

Exercise log:

  • 25 pushups
  • 50 crunches
  • 20 side-kicks, each side*
  • 20 slow arches
Insomnia: Bad

* I should also explain the side kicks. These are performed on hands and knees. One knee is lifted, much like when a dog urinates, and that leg is kicked straight forward, held, and retracted. Sounds simple, but a dozen reps makes your ass hurt, in a good way.

Looking at that, I realize how completely out of shape I am. I hope this will change.

Thursday is Hell Day. Specifically, this particular Thursday is my Cognition exam, which I'm preparing for by noding.

No, really.

There's no textbook for the course, just a (really really good) web site, which I got the professor's permission to go through and node the more interesting bits of.

I'm also going to be putting up a great deal of Irlen Syndrome-related information, which is interesting reading, and from the same person who brought you autism.

8:41 AM EST - Waking up was difficult. I'm congested and my throat hurts and I need to shower and my room is filled with garbage (mostly empty cans of Goya Pear nectar). She's mumbling in her sleep again, but unlike yesterday's hilarious comments ("thefez haunts the node mountain"), I can't make any sense of the syllables. I think there's someone in the shower.

I'm worried about the exam because I haven't learned anything in the course. When you've been reading Daniel Dennett and Douglas R. Hofstadter since age 10, it can be pretty darn boring to have a professor explain what a formal system is to a group of students who persist in asking questions like "Are we going to have to build a Turing Machine for the test?"

Ahhh... What a week.

First things first: the weekend. This weekend I got to do a little fly fishing, and some bait fishing. I got to completely relax... until it started to rain, during which I caught more fish than I had for the remainder of the day. It was fun, and desperately needed. Saturday evening a couple of my wife's school friends came by for dinner and we had a blast. Talked until 11:30. On Sunday Angie and I went to see Almost Famous with another friend of hers. It was a good movie, if you're into Rock and Roll movies.

On Monday the shit hit the fan. I got fired from work. Get the reason: I missed one page. Sounds like someone was trying to lower their overhead w/o laying people off. It caught me by suprise, but I was looking for a new job anyways, so all that I did was pick up the pace of my search. I imagine that I'll have something by the end of the week; skilled programmers are hard to come by, even if they need to work the night shift. Actually, to call it fired is a stretch; I was given the option of working days or finding another job and I took the later.
I've slept better this week than I have slept for months.
That's all of the excitement from around here. Hopefully I'll have good news to post later on in the week!

8:54 pm EST

A long day at work. The number of appointments is starting to increase the closer we get to the withdrawl deadline, October 27. Everybody wants me to hold their hand while they figure out whether or not to drop one or more of their courses. At least I got a new computer, well new to me anyway, which is slightly faster and has a sound card. I'll be getting the most out of Napster while it's still up.

My peer mentor is such a useless git. One thing I want him to do and he can't even manage to get that right. So no volleyball for me and my class this year. I know the saying is "if you want something done right..." but what's the point of having an employee if you have to do everything yourself?

I'm thinking of going as Harry Potter for Halloween. The broomstick and so on are easy enough, but unless I want to be future post-pubescent Harry Potter, I'm going to have to shave. It's been so long I've forgotten what I look like without a goatee. We shall see...

A couple of months ago at the JFK exhibit in St. Petersburg, I bought this weird toy. It's like a moebius tube, filled with blue glittery liquid and little white astronauts. I've had it on my desk since then and I've absentmidedly played with it of and on since then. Tonight, it exploded all over me, my desk, and my computer. Glitter and blue juice everywhere.

After I dried off, changed, and cleaned up, I noticed that this incident prompted my keyboard to give up the ghost. It's been on its last legs for a while: the keys were worn and sluggish and it had plenty of dust and hair and such lingering in its innards. So I had to drive over to CompUSA and procure a new one. Not exactly how I imagined spending my evening. The new one works just fine, but the keys are kind of....clacky. I'm not sure if I'll keep it yet.

I stopped at the library on the way home. While fishing in my pockets for my library card, I found a slip of paper with her name on it. It was my handwriting, all right, but for the life of me I can't remember when or why I wrote her full name on a piece of paper and stuck it in the pocket of these pants. It's an omen, I think.

Sydney, 12:11

Yeah, well, today has just fantastic already - its been raining for a couple of days and the traffic just turns to shit in the wet. So, my trip to work this morning took 2 hours. Thats really how I enjoy to spend half my morning - sitting in my car. Yeah.. thats it.

Oh well, here's hoping it looks up from here eh?


Umm.. well - I guess its looking up. The people I am writing the current software for have managed to break their server so I'm twiddling my thumbs a bit while I wait for them to get their act together.

My girlfriend is down now and currently wondering around Sydney visiting PR firms. I think I am supposed to be picking her and 3 others up from the pub later this evening. Geez, I'd forgetten how much fun Uni was. Heh, 10 months in the real world and I'm all bitter and twisted. Well, not really but Uni really was a whole lotta fun.

S. (my g/f) is having her friends staying at her place, so I am too - should be interesting.. of well with any luck they're going to want heaps of drugs so I can make some money off them :) I know that not a very nice thing to think, but I need the money!

I slept way too late, again. Went to work, helped some customers, helped some co-workers. That felt good.

The highlight of the day was dinner with my friends, which are closer to me than my own family. We hadn't had one like it in quite some time, and I couldn't help but be elated to be alive at that particular moment.

Ate chicken. I'm a bad vegetarian.

My den has the odd smell of peperoni pizza, and it's starting to bother me.

Tired, very tired.

Class went well, didn't fall asleep, which seems to be part of the standard routine lately. Though I almost did. It's painful to watch myself fall apart like this, almost though I'm not really me anymore.

I've decided informally that I'm going to drop my Computer Science minor. I just can't stand the pseudo-buisness courses, like System Development, where we have to use a CASE tool that one lab on campus has, which I can't get to because I work until it closes. It's not like you need the ACS on your degree to get an IS job, as long as you know what you're doing, right?

/me hears crickets.

I know what I'm doing. Even more so than the professors oftentimes of my computer classes. Anyhow, so after this, I will be an English major, Writing minor, getting a BA, then I will go for an MFA, I think, stalling off another few years of Real Life.

I have to read The Cherry Orchard by Chekov for my Drama class tomorrow.

I'm unsure if my burn out is happening because I'm simply getting burnt out or if there is something more base going on (or not going on) in my life.

My girlfriend has decided to go back on the pill, because depo-provera has caused her to gain about, err, some amount of weight, which bugs her. I don't care about the method of birth control, I'm just concerned that my recent depression has caused her to doubt herself as a woman. She is so beautiful. I love her, but I worry that she places too much stock in my mood, and that she thinks that it is a reflection of my thoughts about her.

I aquired some material by Eddie Izzard, funny shit. Not quite as funny as Bill Hicks, but good anyway.

I've begun to wonder if I have a chemical imbalance, which is not unheard of in my family. I have been researching St. Johns Wort and it seems like it may be an OK thing to try, but I'm having troubles. Not that I'll be inbalming this herb, but that it creates a dependancy of me on this. Will I need this herb to remain happy? All I know is that I'm tired of being tired, and that this has to end soon.

back | days | forth

8:20 BST

Wow, 6 hours sleep over the past 48 can really mess you up. At present I am shaking from fatigue and so tired I am feeling nauseous. Although the sick feeling is almost certainly due to a complete ass I made of myself a couple of hours ago.

I offer thoughts inside my head and physical to emotional as poems for you to read, to try and ascertain some of the meaning I hold.

Mental Note: never, ever schedule all your household chores for when you know you will be completely shattered and knackered.

The plane tickets arrived. Apart from price discrepancies, they seem OK. I can now hold the tokens by which I will discover life or shatter my heart.

10:35 BST

Too... Much... Pro-Plus...

I have to stay awake, I must stay awake. Markey is coming round for lunch and I must stay awake. Why is the time crawling so slowly? The many chores I need to do are too much and my eyes keep closing. I must stay awake.

almost certainly not any more later, unless i suddenly, magically get some sleep.


I haven't been making daylogs this week because my parents and sister were here...

Remarkable things that happened:

  • New "HiFi" system. =) I now have an ancient radio/amplifier and cool speakers, connected to the computer, VCR and tapecorder. I put HiFi to quotes because I get the damned 50 Hz background hum from my computer, at least...
  • Well, um... I'm now connected to Internet via Saunalahden Serveri, formerly via KPNQwest (I've used their services since, ummm... 1996?) I now have a P33l0aCC0unt, DuD3z! Ph3Ar! Seriously, though, even this is a Big ISP With Lots Of Morons, I haven't yet had to complain about the quality of the service - in fact, I got bi-channel ISDN to work, which I couldn't get in the previous ISP. =) But regrettably, I no longer have a static IP. ::sigh:: And home page move is ahead...

Oh, and I like this "Node Heaven" idea. =)


OK, finally finished reading Usenet. Hmph. Took some serious time...

I'm supposed to do some Digital Media Excercises too. Like, three of them. Well, I hope I'll make the first one of them today... Busy busy busy, being in E2 is clearly not helping at the moment =)

Mail: Hmmm, local branch of SETA is again organizing a party. Let's see if I manage to show up this time...


Hmmmm hm hm... well, I made the third excercise. It was too easy. Damn. Just "design a digital media project" stuff, nothing too detailed. Well, the icky thing was that I made it with StarOffice. The less icky thing was that StarOffice generated fairly clean code and HTML Tidy only needed to make a few updates... All I could notice as a Bad Trait was that it generated empty paragraphs as <p><br></p>, which is Bad because it should just ignore such atrocities.

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: StarOffice
This week's belated news: Walking in the Air Dream Log: October 17, 2000

10.11 BST

Today's the one day I don't have a 9am lecture. I usually take the time to have a long lie, and spend some more time reading the paper.

I just thought I'd log on here to spread some good news to other UK-based noders. There are unconfirmed reports that BT are due to launch a new pricing plan on December 1st called Talk Together. £15/month line rental will get you unmetered local evening and weekend calls.

This is very good news...

later that day...

lecture at eleven, lunch, lecture at one, then labs. through some bizarre fluke, our group were first finished, and also had the most accurate results the demostrator had seen in about fifteen years.. :) Within nothing better to do for a couple of hours, I headed back to Rowan and Joanne's halls, had a drink with them and watched a bit of teevee. (wow, new friends). i went back up to the uni to go to GUST at five, moped around while they filmed the news and then did camera two on g-spot. There was some interesting camera work going down, such as Andy starting a shot from standing on the arm of the sofa, looking straight down. he then fell off. It was a really good show, though, I'll have to track down a monitor next week and watch it..

we headed down to the pub afterwards, I had a couple of drinks and got the subway home.

Another night with no sleep fell on my head. It has been a particularly troubling problem for me since I'm also sick.

Due to my ridiculously late registration at school this semester I have eleven hour days on campus a couple of days a week. Normally I kind of like this because between the library which is filled with all the university press books that I can't afford and the computer labs where the DSL connections actually seem high speed I can kill a few hours. But never sleeping is starting to freak me out. I have four midterm exams today. Ouch.

Finally got around to noding Cornel West which I'd avoided for awhile. Sometimes it's really difficult for me to write about people that I am almost in awe of. I wait for someone else to do it and it never happens. I'm really glad that bell hooks has already been written up because the idea of trying to encapsulate her in a couple hundred words just about gives me the cold sweats.

My neighbors have installed a couple of 7'+ metal sculptures in the front yard. Every time I go out for a smoke they scare the bejesus out of me all over again.

Oh shit. I have my interview for acceptance into the African-American Studies program. Nothing like being the sleep deprived white kid trying to get into a progam with limited resources as it is. Yow. Wish me luck. It's this or no minor at all...

Well here I am again, another monotonous day at work doing all the things I did yesterday.

We have a server at work that's going to die soon, I hope it does, at least that would give me something to do.

Linux... god why can't this stuff be easier to deal with? I've been woring for a week trying to get a modem to work, trying to get a CDROM to work, trying to get a sound card to work. This stuff is damn near impossible for a Micorsoft Junkie. I'm slowly getting it, it can only get easier from here right?

Last night I had another lady friend tell me how she wanted to take the next step in our relationship. Don't get me wrong I LOVE WOMEN, but I'm not looking fot a serious relationship right now. Why can't they just stand being friends for a while longer. I'm actually learning to enjoy this no girlfriend thing. I don't know maybe there's something wrong with me.

I made a liquor run last night. Something funny to ponder, I am the youngest in my group of friends, however I am the only one able to purchase alcohol. One of the benefits of having a beard.

I made a liquor delivery today. To the girl I am currently infatuated with, because I won't call it love. The only thing she will drink is Manischewitz blackberry wine. I handed her my bookbag, She gazed in, and shined the biggest smile I have ever seen.


I spent over an hour in lab playing with wave generators and oscilloscopes, which I will do for another hour tomorrow.

While walking to my physics of sound lab, I realized just how much I miss my guitar. I used to be able to just grab it and play for hours, not listening to anything but me. The world became empty except for me and my guitar, and we would dance and sing, and we completely understood each other. I wouldn't want to stop. If the police stopped by, I would put on headphones and keep playing. And I miss my guitar.

Ok, I'm starting off this daylog by saing that I made several nuke requests yesterday, and when they were handled, I lost 25 expierence. My guess would be that an editor handled the request and (unknowingly) penalized me. If anyone has any ideas, /msg me.

Alrighty. Time for my daily log. I've decided to do these in two parts. In the morning, I'll write up what I'm planning on doing for the day, and before I go to bed, I'll finish up with how things went.

To start off with, I'm quite tired. I stayed up quite late until about 4:00 AM, and was then woken up at 9:00 AM by the maids who started to clean my room with me still in bed. This wouldn't have been a problem had I not been naked. Anyway, they finally left, I went back to sleep. I woke up around 11:00 AM, and started noding. Ate Entenmann's Glazed Buttermilk Donuts. Now I'm off to school.

When I get back from school, I plan to work an a remote file system using CORBA. (Don't laugh. At least I'm not using Java's RMI). Hopefully today won't be as exciting as yesterday.

Wow, the first time back on Everything in months... and what better reason than to write a coming out node. Such a relief to have it out in the open, and get plenty of support from fellow noders, and the realization that it's probably just not going to be an issue, at least among most people!

Not sure if I'm going to be here as often as i used to, but you never know.

Now, when's the next noder get-together around me? I'm going to have to go to the next one...

I decided to give some of the techniques in the Meditation node a try, and last night I experienced something amazing. After relaxing for a bit, putting on some quiet Radiohead and turning off all my computers, I shut my eyes and began to try to bring myself to peace. My limbs went totally numb and it was just me and the music, then out of nowhere, I had the last 5 years of my life appearing before me.

I saw a little girl give me a URL on a blue piece of paper. I saw myself crying over a laptop screen. My love life or lack thereof followed, Bernadette, Tanya, Nicole, and I realized why they didn't like me. Then it moved on to the first time I met Ramsey, and how much of an ass I was. Every mean thing anyone had ever done to me, in a series of images and voice samples, followed by every cruel thing I've ever done to people, things I had forgotten forever, things I was ashamed of having said. Then it all faded into happy things, the first time I saw porn, the first time I jerked off, happy times with friends watching movies, smoking pot. I saw a man telling me of my lack of organizational skills, a woman telling me I was depressed and that she was worried. I saw myself break down in the school caffeteria for fear of what my parents would do. I remembered my last religious moment. I relived every 10 minutes of fame and every hour of agony, in pictures and sound. I saw my parents call me a "failure" in a voice sample of sorts that kept repeating, followed by a quick burst of images of every teacher/principal bitching at me. I felt the pain of being ignored by someone who I liked, then I felt the guilt of ignoring them back.

Somewhere in the middle of all that, I felt as though I was flying, but not asleep, I would open my eyes, and the imagrey would continue, burned in to my retinas, I could shift the focus of the thoughts, but only by connecting them with others, which was what this entire thing was about. All of these ideas connect to one another and they all seemed to serve as a reminder or warning of how not to do things.

I was pretty amazed at all of this, after about an hour, I started to pull myself out, and then climbed into bed for the night.

I quit my desk job yesterday. I feel like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty when he extorted a year's pay (or whatever it was) and commenced immersion in hedonic engineering. -Except I don't have a whole year, more like 2-3 months at the outside, but then I didn't have to extort. I actually ate breakfast, something other than a hard roll stuffed with egg and/or taylor ham and/or cheese. Paid bills, mailed mail and returned a couple overdue videotapes. Cleared the last of Dad's stuff from storage in the spare room, vacuumed a bit, and put a bed in to make it a guest room. Laundered whites (especially guest bed-ding), returned some overdue videotape, did a little Web research on home-distilling applejack while exploring Laird's Blended Applejack.
I gave no advance notice when I resigned my position yesterday. That's "unprofessional", and I've tried to rationalize it half a dozen ways, but, like, duh, I know it's rationalization... I suppose it boils down to this: My assistant was laid off, along with other lab staff. If my job takes 40 hr/wk, and her job took 40 hr/wk, and I am expected to cover her responsibilites in addition to those of yet other layoffs, how many hours am I expected to work per week? I was given freedom to work as much overtime as I wanted to get the job done. If my overtime exceeds my former assistant's pay, what then was the point of firing her? Has no one here heard the phrase "burn out" in the context of employers who ask too much?
Oddly, my next-most-recent employer gave me pretty much the same "opportunity", moving the lead programmer to another department, promoting me to her position, but then neglecting to maintain meaningful assistance. I can't decide if I'm doing something to provoke this, or if it's some sort of evil standardized management-material test. There's a reason the standard work week is 40 hours, why am I consistently getting tapped to contribute so much more than that? The last time I took on all the overtime I could manage, it was all for less than nothing.
If the employer need give no notice to terminate employment (indeed, without notice is the standard), why should the employee feel such a burden to give notice of resignation?

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