It’s been a long time since I’ve dayloged. Haven’t been bloging much either. I have been working on several write-ups, cleaning, organizing, and packing my room up, doing homework, and just surviving.
As many people who read some of my earlier write-ups know, I’m crazy. I hadn’t managed to see a psychiatrist since early December. The mental health clinic I go to has assigned me yet another case manager who at first seemed much better than the previous ones but has turned out not to really care either. She acts like I’m wasting her time. Getting in touch with her is not an easy task and once I do she tells me she’ll call me back but never does. I finally made a complaint and then she called me and set up a doctor appointment. I took my best friend (one of three best friends, but the other two live in Missouri) with me, or rather she took me to the appointment. The doctor gave me an attitude “Why are you here? You’ve been on every medication I prescribe.” I asked for something for the anxiety and his answer was a “Ummm, No!” that made me angry but I’m shy and just quietly left his office with a prescription for the useless antipsychotic, Zyprexa, which I’ve been on in the past. It does not really help but does make me feel hungry all the time. I saw the psychiatrist one Wednesday, October 11, 2004 and gained about thirteen pounds since then. I find myself with a half empty bowl and my mouth full before I even realize I’m hungry. While I’m eating my thoughts turn to “What can I eat when I finish this?” I hate this feeling. All my clothes were already too small. I go back at the end of this month and I know he’s going to put me on Depakote again, which will just make me fatter.
I’ve been going to a medical doctor. He had me get a head CT because of the headaches. He also did blood and urine tests. The urine test said I have a UTI so I’m now on an antibiotic called Septra and go back to that doctor when those are gone. I have a bad back and the headaches have been getting worse and more frequent. Nothing seems to help the headaches. On my first visit he gave me 800mg of ibeprofin twice daily, and 30 vicodin. The vicodin are all gone. They help my back (if I take enough of them) but not my head. The second visit was the day of the CT scan for bloodwork, and then I saw him the other day for results. At that appointment I managed to get a bottle of ativan for the anxiety which seems to never go away anymore.
I mentioned I have been packing. I currently rent a room from my grandma and that doesn’t work too well. She wants me out but there is no where for me to go. My only income is my SSI check and it is less than what the rent is at most apartments in my area. I have no one to really help me. The mental health clinic is supposed to help me with housing, that’s why I have to have that particular case manager. She refuses to help me. I need a place where I can go to school, sleep on my schedule (I keep vampire hours), and have access to the internet (a necessity for college and this addiction called E2). My family refuses to understand and I only have 3 real friends. One is in as bad a condition as I am, lives with her parents, going to school full time, not working, and mentally ill. The other two are a married couple who have kind of adopted me as their little sister but they live in Missouri and I live in California. If they could afford to they’d help me, I’m sure they’d do anything they could for me. They help me in many, many ways, and more than I ever thought possible, especially considering how far away they are from me.
Grandma wants me out but I can’t afford anyplace I can move to. My family can’t/won’t help me with much. They’re probably by biggest stressor. Especially now that I dropped out of most of my classes. I was getting good grades but dropped them all. I hope to eventually take them again, someday, when I’ve gotten away from the control my family has over me. She’s threatening to kick me out, but even if she doesn’t she is planning on having the carpet removed from the bedrooms and having wood flooring put in that matches the rest of the house.
The winter semester starts today. I’m taking one course, completely online, through my community college and it is Health Science. One of those required for general education toward any degree. Besides the snail mail correspondence pharmacology course, and the task of cleaning/organizing/packing my physical positions I have nothing to do besides being at the computer and writing.
In my cleaning I have made what I consider a great accomplishment. While cleaning I’ve come across several razor blades. I’ve actually thrown these away. Even the shiny new ones. It was a very difficult thing to do because parts of me want to go buy more. Today I threw one away, but this time I used it before I broke into tears and disposed of the blade. I don’t self-injure near as often or as severe as I used to. This is largely do to the support of my three friends.
I need more help than I’ve got. I need housing help. I need some kind of psychiatric help beyond what I’m getting. We’ve looked for other help and there just isn’t any, at least not that I can afford. I find myself feeling hopeless and helpless. I’m depressed. I cry for no reason. Or perhaps I cry because I do nothing that makes a difference. Every time I accomplish something someone or something always has to come along and take that feeling of “I did something!” away. I want to be remembered not for my failures but for my accomplishments. I want to be remembered as helpful, caring, fun, useful, happy. It amazes me when anyone notices me at all unless they are telling me what I’ve done wrong.
If anyone reads this and has any ideas how to get me out of this small room in my grandmother’s home please /msg me.
For a noder on a fixed income
Noder keeps odd hours, spends most of her time on the computer,
and sings badly.