There were a couple of guys I knew back in Bismarck
, North Dakota
who got the short end of the stick when it came to things like luck
, and brains
. Bryce and Shuey were two such unfortunate creatures. Both had multiple run-ins with the law
, especially with drinking and driving
, and the law won. One of the last DUI
's they received was particularly bad, involving a partyball
, a truck, and an off-road chase.
Bryce: "Shuey, check it out! I can just keep the tap in my mouth and drive while you pump!"
Shuey: "Shit! Yo Bryce, Bryce, Cherries. Dude we are fucked."
Bryce: "Chill, I'll just off-road here through the park and loose em."
Needless to say, the police weren't too happy when they caught up to them. So our heroes were pretty much banned from motor vehicles for longer than U.S. senators had terms. Come fall though, with hunting season in full bloom, these boys were aching to snag some roosters. Shuey had this old, funny colored piece-of-shit datsun that he was forbidden to drive, so they took it out to a section line and did a little hunting. When they got back to the car, it was dead.
Shuey: "Ah man, it's killed."
Bryce: "Shuey, we gotta go. If a highway patrol sees us or the car here, we're getting jail time, and I'm not buying you soap-on-a-rope."
Shuey: "Shit, it ain't my fault."
Bryce: "Let's hurry and hitchhike back into town to get something to tow it with."
The guys walked to the nearest paved road and waited. In a little while a guy driving a Lumina pulled up. They got into the car with their shotguns and asked if they could get a ride to Bismarck. They turned off the paved road onto a washed out gravel road to get to the highway. As the car was shaking violently on the washboard road, Bryce, being a dumbfuck and forgetting to unload, accidentally pulled the trigger and blew a hole in the floorboard.
Guy: "What the fuck was that!"
Bryce: "What?" (trying to cover the hole with his foot, I shit you not)
Guy: "Did you just fucking shoot a hole in my floorboard! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR. NOW NOW NOW!"
The two pretty much dove out of the car and the guy sped off. Scared shitless now because they knew the guy was going to get the cops, they double-timed it to the highway and caught another car to Bismarck. (This time with unloaded guns) They knew they were in a fix, they had to get Shuey's car back before the cops found it, and fast. So Shuey breaks into this limousine place he works at and steals this little S-10 work truck. They drive back to the section line and hook up Shuey's car to the truck.
Bryce: "You drive the truck, I'll drive the car….What the hell is this?"
Shuey: "It's the chain to tow the car."
Bryce: "Shuey, this thing is thirty feet long. You can't tow with this chain, it'll probably snap and tear my head off."
Shuey: "Don't be such a pussy Bryce, get in the fucking car. We gotta go."
So they started down the gravel roads, taking a back route by the river to avoid the cops. Shuey was flying. Bryce was having a hell of a time trying to keep the car in control on the gravel road. He started fish-tailing uncontrollably, over corrected, and turned into the ditch. Shuey saw Bryce go down and swerved to the side of the road, slowing down just as Bryce, at full speed, flew out of the ditch and practically landed in the bed of the S-10. (note: I only wish I could say I was making this up.)
Bryce: (Climbing out of the car) "Jesus! What the fuck were you doing!"
Shuey: "What the fuck was I doing? What the fuck were you doing! This is just fucking great! I'm gonna get fired for this man, this is the company car."
Bryce: "Shuey, you fucking STOLE the car. You'll be lucky if all they do is fire you. Shit! They're gonna know we were driving! You can tell it's your car from the paint scraped on the truck."
Shuey: "Bryce, what are we gonna do?"
(Ladies and Gentlemen, I now present to you in his infinite wisdom, Bryce.)
Bryce: "Alright, here's the plan. We'll drive the truck to the reservation, that way they'll think it got stolen by Indians. Then we'll roll the car into the river to hide the evidence. That way they can't trace the truck damage to us and know we've been driving."
Bryce and Shuey each received a complementary $10,000 fine and a couple of months in the Burleigh County jail.