Today is a sad day for me. I'm going to tell the guy I've been seeing that this relationship is not working for me. I still like him, but after this week I can see that he's not ready to be in a long distance relationship. I know I'll get over him eventually, it's just hard because I know I'll be lonely and miss him. He works a lot of hours, I can understand and appreciate that, but if you don't have a couple of minutes to call or text you are too busy to have someone else in your life. My ex did this same thing to me and I'm not going to put up with it again. Work is important, but so am I and if you think my requests are unreasonable, then that's all the more reason to part ways despite the good aspects of the relationship.
I'm not a very disciplined person and I found myself being less so these past couple of weeks. That's obviously not his fault, but I feel like a partner should bring out the best in you and I don't feel like either of us really did that for the other person. I need my sleep and I found myself going back to bad habits where I stayed up way too late at night and then felt like I was dragging the next day only to stay up again that night because that's when he was free. I didn't have good boundaries, I would say his are even worse than mine, this is something I've been working on and need to continue with and being with someone who doesn't set limits for themself or anyone else is not healthy.
On a more positive note last night my youngest and I watched movies together. We started out with Mean Girls which I thought was hilarious, moved on to a gymnastics movie based on the American Girl doll McKenna, and finished up with Ferris Bueller's Day Off which is a movie I had never seen despite it being popular when I was a kid. My parents wouldn't let me go to most movies, in other places I've written about why movies and TV make me uncomfortable, but now I'm beginning to appreciate the effects of sitting down to chill and hang out with someone else. It was good mommy/daughter time and I hope my daughter enjoyed it as much as I did.
The other day I wrote a piece on Mets pitcher Matt Harvey. In it I said that I think he needs to relax, there's always a danger of projecting yourself onto other people. I need to relax and last night gave me an opportunity to do that. I don't know how I manage to be a workaholic without a job, but I spend too much time writing (without being focused), and not enough time relaxing, exercising, and doing some of the other things that I need to be doing and feel guilty about neglecting. I would like a part time job, I would like to be able to move out of this place, I want a lot of things and I haven't sat down and written out larger goals and the smaller steps that will help me get there.
I'm kind of upset that this car drama is still not resolved. After all the work we did we found out that I have a defective hub assembly. So now I'm going to have to pay extra for someone to take the one I have out and replace it with a new one. Having a defective assembly means that my odometer isn't working. That's not the biggest deal, but my fuel gauge needs to be replaced so I rely on my odometer to tell me when I need to refuel. It also triggers all these warning messages in my car and seeing dire statements about my anti-lock brakes along with traction and stability control failures isn't exactly comforting either.
My oldest is already with my ex. He'll be late picking up my youngest, I wish she didn't have to leave, but I know she misses her dad when she's over here. Parent-teacher conferences went well. She doesn't take her vitamins and minerals. I try not to get too upset with her because I can remember not wanting people to tell me what to do, but I look at her pale dry skin, see her sleeping long hours without the refreshment of rest, and I'm a mom so I worry even though it's futile and a waste of my mental energy. I'm reading a book called Leadership Beyond Good Intentions. I really like it and am excited to learn more about the author's ideas and philosophy.
This week I'm going to take charge of my life. I'm going to write out a schedule that includes things I want to be doing daily, weekly, and maybe monthly if I'm up for it. I'm going to sit down with my receipts and work on a budget, I'm going to look for some jobs and think about other things that will get me out of the house. I keep saying I want to take a yoga or tai chi class. I have a lot of ideas, but I'm poor on follow through and I can get better on that. Maybe setting some deadlines for myself would help. I've done a lot and I'm proud of that. It won't be easy breaking ties with someone I'm very fond of and love, but it's the right thing to do at this time in my life and I feel better for the decision.