I am in a good mood today. This happens when I eat well, stay hydrated, and remember to take my vitamins. Behind that is deep fatigue, but I can cover it with a boost of artificial energy via vitamins. There's a lot I want to be writing about, most importantly is how I feel because this is the part that gets trapped somewhere between my visceral state and my fingertips at the keyboard. My therapist gave me a sheet that lists feelings, but it's still sitting in my purse because feelings scare me.
Today's list is about feelings that I have:
1. Lonely, like a bathtub without gin. I had a great Twitter chat today. Last night I had a three hour phone conversation with another person I'm going to interview. I have two children. I'm married, I have friends, but a lot of the time I am very lonely. I don't always know why, but I long for this feeling to go away. I keep thinking, if I save more money, if I lose weight, if I just do whatever, then I won't feel so lonely. I can lose myself in writing or baseball, but that isn't the same as feeling very connected the way I would like to be.
2. Optimistic. During last night's chat we explored some ideas about baseball culture which led to a deeper insight. It was a lot of fun to be able to sit back and just chat about what I do. My friend mentioned that some moms he talks to will respond with information about their children when he asks how they are. I have my own identity, but I'm still working on refining that and becoming who I could be without the cloying depression and other mental health disorders.
3. Depressed. This is a hard one because I almost never feel that way, but I know that I am. My therapist told me that I've spent so many years repressing emotion that it has become a compartment that I never visit and this is unhealthy for many reasons. I've been going to see her once a week and that's tough, but good for me. Query - will I ever get over this? Yes. But it may take quite a while.
4. Disconnected. This is a different feeling than loneliness. Often I feel like I'm seeing things differently or saying things that others don't understand. I want to connect better with my children to encourage them, to support them, to listen to them and hear their ideas. I can do this so easily when I'm interviewing others, maybe I need to interview my kids.
5. Simple. Throughout my conversations with others they've informed me that I am a complicated person. I never feel this way about myself. I feel like there are many facets to me, but at the heart of the superficial chatter I am a very simple person. I want a minimalist home, basic foods, streamlined finances, and footwear that fits others well. I read this article on millenials and I loved learning about how they're moving away from acquiring possessions like homes and cars. These did not bring me joy, which is not to say there is anything inherently wrong with owning them either.
6. Deep. I think I have a tendency to come across as kind of flighty and disorganized, and I admit that sometimes I am, but I feel things very deeply, sometimes so much so that I can't move or share what I'm feeling because the moment is a soap bubble and the only thing I can do is burn it into my brain. My thoughts aren't deep, but what I feel is fathomless.
7. Clear. Again, this is not who I am, but who I wish to be and how I want to be viewed. I feel like I'm saying things that people aren't getting and then I wonder what's wrong with me that I have so much trouble with something as simple as a Twitter chat where two people show up to ask and answer questions. I love clarity, vision, purpose, these things are related, linked, and when I run into a rare moment where I am blessed with this I savor that like a treat I only receive on holidays.
8. Vivid. Perhaps others wouldn't classify this as a feeling, but when I'm writing, I feel this way. Other times I feel colorless, washed out and up, or flimsy and insubstantial. Vivid is related to depth, where I feel grounded and connected, attached, vibrant, alive.
9. Beautiful. Not my face, who I am when no one else is watching. I reach out, I care, I love others, that love can be tough, and I'm learning how to walk away from people that I don't need in my life. Therapy is helping me see the beauty in others which brings it out in myself. Anyone can be photoshopped into glossy airbrushed vapidness, but I'm real and I'm proud of my ability to treat others with respect and compassion.
10. Elegant precision. Again, probably not a feeling most would identify, but every once in a great while a cosmic force reveals this to me and at those moments I feel truly blessed.
Have yourselves a day my friends.