I decided to get back on the walking desk at work today - it made me feel a lot better. Something about getting all of this anxious, nervous energy out makes me more content. We have a treadmill desk that we can sign up for and use whenever - I had been selfishly reserving 2 hours a day on it but since my first hour is at 7 am, and no one is really in the office, I only consider it one REAL hour.

I started this exercise/weight loss thing in the last six months - something I've been sticking to rather well. I lost 30 pounds and I'm actually starting to put on muscle so it's been a nice change from the usual of sitting on my ass playing Warcraft. The weight loss and work-outs have also given me enough confidence that I've been actually hooking up a lot more than I have, like ever. I guess at this age it's weird but I don't really care. Look, if I'm going to be 50 in a year and a half, I'm going to do it looking and feeling the best that I can.

There have been down sides, of course, I've been sick for the last two weeks, starting with strep throat that I picked up from this guy - with whom I couldn't stop making out.

This was making out for hours, gentle, passionate, kissing down the scruff on his neck, and feeling his hands on me, his face against mine. My brain goes into some kind of kiss-induced delirium that just wants to keep going, to move, to touch his face, to feel the skin on his chest, to be so close to the smell of him. Hearing soft little, whispered moans escaping his lips, into mine.

I haven't made out with someone like that since I was in high school- that had been with girls and had only been, at best, only OK - my apologies to any ladies who read this with whom I've snogged. I think I've been so removed from kissing passionately in the last 10 years that the memory of it feels like someone else did it - and somewhere in my mind I thought I had forgotten how. Learning how someone kisses and wants to kiss is such an odd experience, the feel of tongue and teeth and lips and how they move. Remembering how such an action becomes almost detached from thought for me. Showing and learning how he likes it, how I like it... finding that sudden moment when it's completely organic, thoughtless and raw. I could almost forego sex for just lying there making out.

Of course, he didn't get sick at all, which is fine to me, really. The recovery time for me, yeesh... this has been difficult. I keep wondering if I should see him again or if I should swear off boys that gave me strep. I'm thinking it, and more, will be happening again.

Still, he's not really the long walks type of guy, plus, he's 25, almost half my age, so I don't think that I can consider him anything but occasional fun - there's no way I could get involved long term with him. As it is tho, so much fun. He's cute too, pokeball tattoo and others, plugs in his ears, facial piercings - basically exactly the kind of guy I find attractive. I used to say I liked them "pretty or punk". I don't think he's pretty, per se, but he's certainly hitting a lot of the right notes. He seems intent on asking me what want and like, how I want him to wear his facial hair, or clothes. I'm really not picky about such things... I mean, he's cute and has a nice body and he seems to be into me so I'll stick with it for a while.

Being sick for two weeks is garbage tho. I've been coughing up crap for at least a week now and I'm done, just done. Getting back on the treadmill even if it starts an attack of hacking is just the start.

I'm going to try and get back to the gym starting this week as well. I've not been there for two weeks as well and it's affecting my mood. Yes, I know that sounds silly. I've been doing this for six months and, I have to say, it has made a big difference. I'm far better, mentally, than I was - even tho I still fall back into modes of "do not touch me" while really wanting to be touched. I will always be fucked up I think.

I'm being more... open tho. I realize, as well, that I need to be more public. I think that creating environments of echo chambers and close friend lists, excluding all else has made people delusional that they and their group of like-minded individuals are in the majority.

I'm all over the place, emotionally, as is this update. For the moment I'd much rather talk about making out with this cute guy than the news or politics or even working out. Just getting my thoughts down tho. There's nothing to see here, just some random thoughts. I hope that's ok in modern E2.

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