November 11, 2014

On girls with small boobs and brave cleavage

I saw a girl on the bus last Friday. I actually saw many women of many ages, but I only had eyes for this one.

She was pretty, in the way only non-teenagers can be. You see, a teenager mind believes that he or she can increase her physical atractiveness by adding an ever increasing amount of things. It's always about adding more makeup, having more accesories, more clothes (and sometimes, paradoxically, showing more skin).

Not her. She had exactly the right amount of clothes to be considered formal, without being too formal. She had a pale blouse, light and airy, with great contrast to her auburn hair. Nice shoes, nice earrings.

But what captivated me was her cleavage, which was open to the middle of her sternum. It was precisely the kind of blouse that big breasted woman would use to attract stares in adult films.

But she lacked that size. Sure, she had noticeable breasts, but definitely on the small size, nothing too spectacular. Not to high, not too low, not too wide, not too perky. Just normal.

But the blouse was cut perfectly for her. A well-endowed woman would have a noticeable gap between the rim of the blouse and her skin. A latex suit is stretched so that this gap is tightly sealed because of the size and elastic properties of the material. This blouse was neither of those, it just rest comfortably on a frame just milimeters smaller.

That's also why the cleavage looked interesting, not as sexually vulgar as it would have been with bigger boobs and not as unflattering as an excessive cut on a completely flat chest. It showed proportionally a lot of skin, but it kept everything in its place. It could attract a stray eyeball like it did with mine, it teased but you really couldn't look at anything forbidden. It was perfect.

She distracted me from my book, I must admit. It was irresistible, I know it's not okay to stare at women, much less random strangers on a bus. She caught me looking and I went back to my high school days when my crush first laid her eyes on me so I could be her lab partner.

My breakfast disappeared and left a vacuum in my stomach. My brain interpreted it as an emergency signal and quickly reassigned blood to the most vital parts of the body: the torso and my cheeks. The sudden pressure change confused my respiratory system and for a few seconds my trachea wasn't sure of where should it send the last gasp of air I had inhaled. In a fit of desperation, a small balloon worth of air went to my stomach like a punch and was quickly rejected with an instinctive movement in my diaphragm. This started a chain reaction of organs moving violently, ending in my coughing at the same time I tried to reach for air.

I don't believe she liked me after that, but to add insult to injury, she smiled at me before sitting down and burying her nose in a huge book.

There is a conversation I've needed to have for the longest time, but of course that doesn't mean I know how to start it. There is SO much I need to say, but I know if I start recklessly talking it will all come spilling out and the vague impression of sanity I believe I leave upon people will be destroyed. Alternatively, I hold back, am reticent, and all the links in my mind and all the pain attached stay hidden. If I do that, the whole endeavor is pointless.

I think it comes down to this, or something like this. Or something similar to something like this. I think I'm a bad person, and I need to A) learn to understand WHY I'm a bad person so I can make efforts to not be, or B) come to the realisation that I'm actually alright really.
Typing out B was difficult for me. this idea that maybe I'm actually NOT to blame seems to me like I'm trying to squirm my way out of everything that's wrong; of everything that's been wrong for the last twenty years. It's my brain trying to do acrobatics to make me feel better about myself while solving nothing.

You know how on the television words and phrases get stuck in a lead characters head, and you see them remembered and reheard throughout the episode? It's been like that for me these last few weeks. My fathers words.

WHY DO YOU THINK THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING?

WHEN WILL YOU REALISE THAT IT'S BECAUSE OF SOMETHING IN YOU?

And I don't know how to respond. I don't know where to draw the line upon all the things that have gone wrong in my life, which to determine were really my fault.

I was depressed as a teenager. Was that my fault because I was honestly kind of a little shit?
I broke my mothers arm playing hockey. So that was definitely my fault, but was it because I'm detestable as my father says, or was it just an accident?
I don't think people like me. Now that MUST be my own goddamn fault, but I just DON'T KNOW how to change things.
All my relationships break down. "I try to love you but you just make it impossible". How can I argue with such logic that isolates me as the constant factor in all my mistakes?
I was sexually assaulted last year. I could have fought more, I could have been stronger. Society tells me it's not all my fault, but what if it's just my brain trying to exonerate myself from blame? Maybe I did lead him on.

It's not some coincidence. My father's right.

This is why I have such issues with option B. Bad things happen around me, and even a 10 year old in a science class could tell you that as I'm the only constant factor, it's probably my fault. Am I simply trying to mentally justify all the things I've done wrong?

This is a conversation I need to have. Most likely in the certificate lined office of a well paid therapist.

My back hurt very badly when I woke up this morning. Last night I stayed up making noodles and steaming vegetables so the girls would have them for their lunches today. I felt industrious when I was doing this and that's what I've been thinking about today. It's normal to want people to think well of you, but suppose that someone else was writing about what I did last night. What if you read that there was a pile of dishes on the counter, and you saw that I left a pan of zucchini out? Would you think less of me? I think less of myself when I do things like that and it's not really about the vegetables. It's about not doing something that I know that I should because I was tired, lazy, or made some other excuse. So today's list is about bad habits that need to be replaced with better ones. 

1. Hanging out my clothes saves my dryer. We have an oversized laundry rack and a standard sized one and I've never run out of creative ways to hang laundry that needs to be dried. This past week I hung out three loads which made me feel good so moving forward I want to use my dryer less. What does less look like? I would rather not dry anything. From this day I on I want to be organized and far sighted enough to hang everything out. Action plan: Go through clothes we own and get down to four or five outfits for each person. Get rid of extra bedding, towels, etc... that bog laundry day down.

2. Wasting food. We waste an incredible amount of food. Part of this stems from not having a proper menu. I'm not blaming my husband, but in the past I have been very frustrated by his not wanting to join us for meals. Also my kids need to understand that what is on the table is what we are eating. Action plan: Go through pantry and clean it out. Make a menu and stick to it. Include others in the planning process so they have responsibility, accountability, and representation. Make a point of showing the kids that I am eating an apple with a bruise or leftovers I don't care for, etc...

3. Not cleaning up around the house. If you take it out, put it away when you're done using it. I'm not sure when we gave our girls the message that it was okay to throw things on the floor, but it's a bad habit around here. The living room looked clean until I saw my daughter's socks, book, and her hat was inexplicably hanging out in a plant. This is unacceptable behavior and needs to be replaced with people putting things away right away. Action plan: Clean up the things that are lying around and find a place for them. Make the girls earn whatever they lose back. Also, set the good example for them.

4. Treating ourselves. I'm late to the party on this, but it's time to break the mold of all work and no play. I see the girls being silly and automatically get frustrated that they are cavorting while I am working. It should feel good to work hard and be able to take that well deserved respite from your labors. Action plan: sit down with the girls and divvy up what needs to be done around the house and when. Ask what treats look like to them and put together a list of small, medium, and large treats for occasions when treats have been earned.

5. The feelings journal. My therapist told me to write in my feelings journal when something is bothering me. She said that I should get each of the girls a journal so if they are upset, but don't want to talk about it with anyone else, then they can go to their journals and spend some time there. The idea is that these negative and bad feelings, or good feelings that don't get celebrated the way I think they should have a place to go. Action plan: Take the girls shopping so they can purchase a feelings journal of their own. Get one for myself and start using it by tomorrow.

My lists are usually longer, but this is a good place to start as I don't want to take on too much that isn't sustainable over a long period of time. Had I been thinking more about the actions involved, I probably would have made this post cover two or three points, but stopping at five gives me some options for future development. As embarrassing as some of these things are to have to admit, I feel strangely better about having written this. Perhaps that saying is true and the only thing we really have to fear is fear itself.

Until next time,

Jess 

November 11, 2014

I am taking a day off today and may post this tomorrow.

Thanks to those who serve. Not just military, but how about we thank everyone who serves?

The State of Washington sent us the go ahead today. The plan for supervising the physician's assistant at my clinic is approved! Hooray! My brilliant receptionist faxed off a letter with a copy of the approval to my malpractice. As soon as we have that back, it goes to the other doctor's malpractice. She could start as early as Thursday, but I am going to be in the clinic too. I will be in the office in back, attempting not to talk. So we can't start before Friday because Thursday I have to go get needles stuck in my muscles.

Once she is started, we have 60 days that she can work in my place since I am sick. There is some billing code that means "the provider is sick and this other provider is covering." In that 60 days we will try to get her on all of the insurance panels. That is just paperwork and long obfuscating confusing insurance contracts that really boil down to the insurance company will do whatever the hell it wants and there's nothing I can do about it. I love the paragraphs that say the insurance company can change what they pay for and how much they pay for it whenever they want. I am not sure we can get the medicare approved in that time. However, they approved me retroactively, so we will cross our fingers.

I will take knitting to clinic. My doctors have forbidden me to do medicine currently, but I can answer any questions about my previous notes and also help her with the electronic medical record. She has worked with one before and it sounds like it was a bigger pain in the butt than mine. Mine is one of the top rated for small clinics and it is awesome. For a computer program. I can't believe I just said a program was awesome. Compared to the six others I've experienced, it really is.....

Today the clinic is closed and my brilliant receptionist is taking a day off. Me too. I am taking a day off from people: no everything2, mostly stay home, work on to do lists. I may go update the emr at the clinic, work on continuing medical education, write, pay bills, clean house, maybe make apple jelly...... My daughter is going to play in a chamber orchestra for the noon Rotary meeting so I will go to that. Happy day, quiet.