INT. UNITED NATIONS BUILDING, TOP FLOOR
Lights begin to flicker and all goes dark, as the nefarious terrorist organization Team Jet-Poop mills about nervously.
Jack: I don't like this. They're not supposed to turn the lights off until after we announce our demands. It's in the rules! See?
Jack frantically waves a copy of the shooting script for 'The Negotiator'.
Phillip:I told you they wouldn't follow the script! But did you listen? Noooo. Dammit, I'm missing the X-files!
Nodeshell: Please, let me go! I didn't do anything, honest! I just work here!
Patrick: Oh, you just work here, eh? Well, let me tell you about group of people who just 'worked there'. They were called Nazis!
A vicious nodeshell beating ensues...the screams are horrible.
EXT. U.N. BUILDING, POLICE LINE (DO NOT CROSS)
A elite force of the Live Nude Lesbians Ninja Death Squad is gathered 'round the rotund Police Chief Pseudo_Intellectual.
Pseudo_Intellectual:...and that's how I got the rash to clear up, see? But enough of this, we need a plan to get in there and rescue that nodeshell without anyone getting hurt. And frankly, I'm drawing a blank.
P_I holds up an empty sketchpad and an unsharpened pencil.
Trixxy: I've got an idea! Gather 'round, ladies! (whisper, whisper) Okay, chief, we're going to need a tub full of caramel, six cans of Cool Whip, and a jar of cherries. Muahahaha, those bastards'll never know what hit 'em!
As Trixxy explains to her crew the details of the plan, we can hear the agonized cries of the Nodeshell as it is mercelessly bitch-slapped into submission by the disgruntled members of Team Jet-Poop.
INT. U.N. BUILDING, TOP FLOOR, OUTSIDE THE ROOM WHERE THE NODESHELL IS BEING HELD HOSTAGE
We see two Live Nude Lesbians, Candi and Hope, stretching here, wearing nothing but whipped-cream bikinis.
Candi: I don't know about this, Hope. I haven't done anything like this since Freshman English. Do you think it'll work?
Hope: I'm not sure, either, Candi. We can only follow orders as perkily as possible, and pray that everything will turn out alright.
EXT. UN BUILDING, SWEEPING CRANE-SHOT
The mirrored windows of the building prevent us from seeing exactly what is taking place, but we can hear the muffled melody of 'Happy Birthday' being sung in a perfect Soprano duet.
FLASH TO INSIDE THE DARKENED ROOM
Communal Eye: (muffled) Aww, you guys, I was sure you'd forgotten! I...wuv...yew...
Patrick: (whispered to Edward) Great idea, man. What did this cost ya?
Edward: But...? I thought this was your idea!
BACK OUTSIDE, CRANE SHOT
WHUMP The mirrored window is suddenly cracked in a cartoon-like Communal-Eye shape, and a groan of pain escapes him as he audibly slides to the carpeted floor.
Trixxy, via loudspeaker: That's the cue, ladies! Go, go, go!
Suddenly, from the rooftop, a half-dozen Live Nude Lesbians descend on ropes, dripping with caramel for no apparent reason. They shatter the windows of the building with their protest-march hardened feet, and drop in on Team Jet-Poop at its most vulnerable.
Within minutes, the infamous Team Jet-Poop is brought down, bound and ball-gagged, from the U.N. Building, to the waiting patrol cars below. A battered and bruised Nodeshell follows, wrapped in a silver foil emergency blanket and smeared in Cool Whip.
You think you've heard the last of us?!? Team Jet-Poop
be defeated!! We'll fight until the last! All your base are belong to us!!!
Do you hear me?!? All of them!!! Bwahahahahaha!!!
A Star-Trek like effect occurs, and Team Jet-Poop vanishes without a trace. We can see the PoopJet overhead as it rockets away, Olivia's maniacal laughter echoing across the scene.
Did anyone else expect that?
(Nods all about)
Yeah, this is lame. Let's go back to the LezPad and tie these cherry stems into knots with our tongues. C'mon, Nodeshell
, you can watch.
But, but...what about me? Girls?!? Er, I meant ladies, I meant ladies...
PAN OUT AND FADE, ROLL CARD...
And thus ends our adventure. Good has triumphed over evil once again, as noted in the script.
The Nodeshell quit his job at the U.N. and now works a lotion-boy for the Live Nude Lesbians.
PIC. CHIEF P_I
Pseudo_Intellectual swore off all his worldly possesions and became a Hari Krishna.
All seemed right with the world. But, back at the Watchtower, somewhere on the moon, Team Jet-Poop is planning yet another assault on Everything. Next time, the nodeshell stolen could be yours!
Needless to say, no Live Nude Lesbians were harmed in the rescuing of this nodeshell.