Good morning, and welcome once again to
Your Planet, Our Galaxy, the only approved
news program to tell you what to think. On this fine morning of February 11, 2501, we have more news than you can comprehend, but we'll tell you about it anyway.
In our top news, minor setbacks happened with Microsoft's newly-released Windows: Brain Edition. The media giant's successful advertising campaign, "Be complete. BE Windows," caused record-breaking sales of 4.3 trillion copies over a 24-hour period. They give full credit for the ad campaign, discounting compulsory sales in some regions, saying, "We don't consider that a significant factor."
The newly released BeWin had some minor, statistically insignificant glitches in its code. Approximately 2.2 billion people were told by the wetware that they had driver conflicts with their existing OS, and had their neural circuitry formatted. Another 1.6 billion locked up and shut down when the installation hardware attempted to divide their brains by zero.
Microsoft has stated that they will issue a full refund to all of these unfortunate customers, and to keep their eyes open for the upcoming patch, due out in three years. Microsoft chairman and CEO, Bill Gates, was unable to be reached for comment at this time due to his annual rejuvenation retreat.
In other news, scientists have announced that last month's recovery of the second edition of the Galactic Library, which was apparently called Everything 2 at the time, has produced some startling results. The scientists emphasize that the findings are still preliminary, and not to read too much into them, as there may have been some translation errors.
First, they are attempting to figure out what significance a person called Rotten Cucumber may have had, and even whether it was actually a person or not. Two scientists died attempting to determine if there was some secret to long life involved in the consumption of rotten cucumbers. The remainder of the scientists still argue the point, and are calling for the government to select some volunteers for the experiment. The Library Death Borg ate three people sent to ask for clarification, and it was determined that other methods would be used in the future. Scientists have also argued over the relationships between individuals referred to as Utensil Bender, InfoMage, OrgasmThug, and Master Fight. On a similar note, they are assuming that Chihuahua Grub is a mistranslation... it is too silly of a name to be real.
Also, the Fellowship of the Holy Circuit has called for the death of all translation scientists for the obviously erroneous announcement that the holy chant, "Wololo," is in fact a fictional phrase created and used in an entertainment program. "This is highest blasphemy, and will not be tolerated," announced the Grand Grid Guru.
Scientists were pleased to discover that the research topics of lesbians and soy held as equally high of status as they do today, but are mystified by the references to monkeys, and continue to debate over whether they were sex toys or personal servants. Sadly, the records that mention them are confusing to read, although scientists are very intrigued to note that they are often mentioned with lesbians or soy. They have debated furiously over whether Voting was a right or a privilege, and why "cool" was a good thing. They also wonder at the significance of toilet seats and something called Pokemon.
We will bring you more news on the Galactic Library as it becomes available. Thank you for your compulsory watching of this newscast. Good night, and Wololo.