1. The people from Jersey City have a special glint in their eyes. This is how they recognize each
other in Manhattan. If you cross them, they will get the governor of NJ
to conduct a “traffic study” in your living room.
2. If you can catch a pigeon, it has to give you five wishes.
caught a pigeon, but it only gave me one wish. I
am now the proud owner of an ice cream sandwich. It sits in prominent
position on my shelf.
3. If you find a telephone pole and climb it, and you put your ear close to
the wire, you can listen to phone conversations. But you have to do this
when the linemen are not prowling. They defend their territory
fiercely. They can whistle to the pole and it will shake you off and you
will fall into a bag and the linemen will take you and throw you in the
big dump where all the dead telephone poles go.
Also you have to find one. Most phone lines in NYC are underground. Try an outer-edge street in Queens or the Bronx.
4. Occasionally, a luxury liner comes into port without tooting the horn or informing
anyone of its presence in any way. The staff members of these liners are
gagged, and the passengers all look pale and exhausted. Nobody has ever
seen the captains of these vessels.
5. The Unpaid Interns of the big banks used to be chained up in the basements at night, with threats against their lives if they blabbed. But the banks eventually realized it was less expensive to bind people with promises and dreams. Now the unpaid interns work hard and well because they want to. Look closely at their skin, and you might notice that it is turning gray. The ones who become fully gray get positions in the mailroom and never get promoted.
6. It's easy to forget that NY is a coastal city. Old Neptune wants you to forget. He has big plans. he needs you to look the other way. Have you noticed that your couch is a little...damp? It wasn't me, i swear.
7. If you go to the 7th floor of Port Authority, you can find the offices of
Portal Authority. For the price of One Grenovian Dollar, they can open
any door in the city for you, for the space of half an hour. But you
have to ask really nicely. And be warned: each time you ask, the price
8. Don't go into the basements of the Whitney Museum. The deeper you go, the more abstract you will become.
9. In the Winter, watch out for areas of green sidewalk salt. The workers put down white or blue salt, but it turns green. These areas mark the places where it is possible to reach Right New York. All you have to do is stand in them and despair. There are plenty of people who accidentally get stuck in Right New York because they were feeling gloomy at just the wrong time.
10. Between the Henry Hudson parkway and the residential streets, there are
parks that have high brick walls to prevent erosion. In these walls are
high arched tunnels. Be careful – if you go to far into them you could
wind up anywhere. It’s a cheap way to get out of the city, but it’s a