Today is Friday, May 7th.
Wednesday was Cinco de Mayo.
Sunday is Mother's Day.
Today is nothing.
Today is the day I I work.
I had the last 4 days off.
I work 2 days this week.
Wednesday I had an audition for a job dealing poker for about 6 weeks. The hope was they would hire me on the spot. This did not happen. I told the story to my friend who got me the audition and I told it to one other friend. I didn't want to tell it anymore. Do I still not want to? I don't know. Everyone, and yes, this is an exaggeration, but ALMOST everyone who knows me and ever talks to me asked about it. They know it's important to me. They know I hate my life. I suspect most are rightfully sick of me. I know I'm sick of myself.
I am not ambitious. I barely know how to spell it. I am not a go-getter. I'm not motivated. I have no desire to change the world, and I am finding it very difficult to change my life.
You see, really, I'm not much different from when I dropped out of college and waited tables. I'm sure most 36 year olds on the planet can remember being 22, and they can all point out the differences. What do I say to those who aren't in their 30's yet? How can I warn them not to end up like me?
I don't know.
Maybe it's as simple as being true to yourself. But really, I think I was. It's all relative. Yes, I did some things, namely letting my ex use my credit cards and not pay off the balance, that were out of character for me. But it is VERY MUCH IN CHARACTER for me to throw everything into one woman.
I've given up on the world a long time ago. I reject so many norms you have to really get to know me to think I'm not just all about shock value and doing things differently just for the sake of being different. And probably, I even do that too. It's this gut reaction I have to a mental lock. "This is the way things are done...no reason" drives me insane. Or drove me.
Not that "insane" is a very useful word.
But yeah, credit card debt. It would be nice to blame that. It would be nice to think if I just didn't have those $500 in bills every month I could live my comfortable life of sloth and I wouldn't have to bother anyone. I really feel I'm bothering people. I'm a mooch. A leech. A parasite. What am I giving back to anyone?
Yes, if you like sex, or games, or jokes, I have something to offer. But it's hard to get anything from me when I don't believe in obligation. I owe my parents something? I owe society? I owe mankind? I owe you?
What about the credit card companies? This is where it gets interesting. I feel legally that my ex owes them the money I've been paying the credit card companies.
"Legally" is a more useful word than "insane."
But I don't care about what's legal. I think people should do what they think is right. Decide what is right for yourself. Use your mother fucking brain. Seriously. Think about shit. And if someone disagrees with you try to follow what they are saying. Logic. Reason.
So my slacker lifestyle is not paying the bills. I need a better job, so I can more easily pay the bills. I need to be different. I need to be the kind of person who get's himself a new job. I need to be able to do it.
I really feel I missed my opportunity to get my foot in the door to the poker world.
My audition went from "how do you know so much?" to "You aren't quite ready" so depressingly quickly. It all slipped away. And now I feel on the outside again. Left by myself I have no clue what it is people do to get called for auditions. Maybe people are just failing a lot more than me. Maybe it's just numbers. You just keep banging your head against walls and eventually you don't even notice it's not a wall but a door, and eventually you go to bang your head against it right as someone opens it.
Or maybe you do something different.
"It's just that we start in 3 weeks, and we don't have time to train you.'
Should I have told them that 3 weeks is an eternity to train ME? That maybe the average retard on the planet can't learn anything, but if you just tell me what I need to know I'll remember most of it?
I have no idea. Some people like confidence, some people hate arrogance.
Maybe I'm just not resilient enough. Maybe when people tell me no I need to not take it for an answer. I think I'm just scared I really have no clue how to not take no for an answer without whipping out the barbed acidic tongue and laying waste to the surrounding area.
And I'm not motivated. I think it's understandably hard to get how I can do a good job at a menial task, but not be motivated. Motivated people are good, right? Those are the people you want to hire. Those fucking people are the ones who are motivated to always get a better job. I don't want to be in charge of anyone, I just want to do what I'm told, make guests happy, and count my money each night and do math and know I don't have to worry.
Being the college drop-out was fine in my 20's because I really did love my life. And really it would be fine now if I just felt I had job security. Even my $13 an hour office job would have been fine if I could just work 40 hours a week all year round. My budget would be tight, but I could do it. I can budget much more easily than I can always look for a better job.
"Well then change!"
And while you are at it, why don't you sell me some motivational book or some shit?
It's a weird place I'm in. I don't feel right, even. I just feel I'm not much good for the other people on the planet. For once I can see why they want everyone to fit in. I still don't fit in, the difference is now I kind of feel bad about it.
Evolution makes me happy, though. The thought that I'm not reproducing. People used to love to say I'm smart, but smart isn't as good as social and ambitious for the world, methinks. Whatever my problems are, I'm not passing them on. Genetically, I'm already dead.
"Take care of yourself, okay?"
"I will," is what I'm supposed to say. The subtext is they don't want me doing anything stupid like trying to kill myself (Do you know anything about Dr. Kevorkian? If I give you that it's probably a bad idea for any healthy 36 year old to kill themselves, can you agree that sometimes, death is best?) and I'm supposed to let them know I won't without anyone ever having to even mention the word death.
What I'd like to say is:
Fuck you, again.
I realize I'm a lover of sophistry and advocating the devil, but it's only natural when you find yourself consistently arguing the minority opinion that you begin to see all sides of things.
Yes, I understand that being a selfish prick is not cool, I need to work with people and I shouldn't be a burden to the society I live in. But how do we measure my own enjoyment of life? Am I even entitled to enjoy it? At what point does it become slavery? When I'm a just a slave living a life doing shit day after day that I just hate? Do you know what it's like to hate? Way down deep inside? Yes, it's easy to still have fun in life, to make references to songs only some people will get. Yes, I know that something like killing yourself is irreversible. But guess what? So is having a fucking kid. We don't exclude that as an option just because it's irreversible. Talk about an extreme solution to a problem!
Stop fucking worrying about me killing myself. It's not death that I want. What I really want is for you to be okay with it. We are all going to die. The sooner you start dealing with it the better. Go watch some Six Feet Under. No, seriously. Stop reading this and go watch some. You'll thank me later. "Holy shit, Brian was starting to creep me out, but then he suggested the best series to ever come out of HBO (and THAT is saying something), and I was all better! What a pilot!"
In all fairness, I haven't seen The Wire OR The Sopranos and I know what you are thinking, I should. And to that I can only say:
Fuck you a third time.
I don't even own a fucking TV. Yes, I might be able to watch shit on my computer, but I don't want to, I just don't like watching stuff on my computer.
"Well then change!"
And it comes full circle.
For those of you feeling sorry for me, wanting to cheer me up, or wanting to help, I'll tell you what you can do.
If you want to make me happy, just communicate with me. I might be in a shitty mood, but if you can let me be in a shitty mood, you'll do fine. Just talk about your shit. Let me help you and your problems. If you like this shit I wrote and like it when I write "fuck" and "shit" a lot, tell me! Feedback is always welcome. If there is something I can do for you, let me know. If you don't know me, you encouraged to write me even more. A little Brian goes a long way, if my friends aren't sick of me, it's only because a lot of them have children and they are well versed in the art of patience.
Now, if happiness isn't your goal, and you still want to "help" then the only thing I can think of is some nepotism action. Or maybe you own your own business and can just give out jobs to strangers. Or maybe you're a millionaire and can just send cash. Perhaps you know a psychologist that does pro-bono work? Perhaps she almost lost her license because she was accused of sleeping with her patients? I seem to have drifted back to happiness again.
You see, I don't WANT to change.