The universe has seen fit to punish me for something I didn't do, even worked actively against. Samriel Siolle. I refuse to node the specifics, as I have tried to give up showing such personal parts of myself to strangers instead of the people I know and love. Also, at least one of the persons involved are on the site, if not actively.

Otherwise, life is peachy. Work is well, one of my ex-girlfriends finally dumped a boyfriend who was bad for her, and I go home this weekend to visit family and friends. Unfortunately, I am not able to attend the Ohio gathering. Thanks to Void_ptr and Gone Jackal for doing their best to get me there. Have fun, all. I'll try to call in and catch the party. Hisenna!

Last of all, I've been trying my hand at informal mentoring. Maybe I'm just remembering my neophyte stage. Well, if any newbies are reading this, my /msgbox is always open.

UPDATE: I've been vacillating on the issue of the Ohio gathering, and I'm sure zot-fot-pig is insanely pissed at me, and dreads looking into his /msgbox in case there's another one from me. Sorry zot. Gone Jackal has offered to take me, and it just might work. *sigh* I don't know... it seems this whole week is doomed. I don't want to bring my chaos to Columbus and ruin anyone else's day. But, if I keep talking with GJ, I'm sure I'll make it. He's damn persuasive.

Madness and Rusty Nails at Chez Wonko

Today started out strangely, I woke-up somewhat early, a severely strange occurance for me, and I watched cartoons. Since I wasn't needed at work I decided to go to my friend Scott's house to burn some random crap in his back yard. Everything started out with a beer run, 'cause nothing goes better with fire than beer, and we proceeded collect stuff to burn.

In the initial process I ended up stubbing my toe on a honeysuckle stump, and nearly getting my crotch royally racked with the end of a branch. I should have thought to be more careful. Now, Scott has a section of culvert pipe that serves as a place to contain the flames, which is cool, IF you can get it started. Well, it did start, after pouring on motor oil, gasoline, and lighter fluid, and a great deal of all three, no less.

After we decided that being inside the fence was way too hot we moved out to the yard. Wind picked up and I spent the next half hour valiantly trying to remove the ash from my eye. I finally remembered a bit of advice from Inspector Gadget and got it out, but not before I spent 15 minutes with a hose nozzle flowing into my eye. I got another beer, a smoke and moved on. Not two minutes later I managed to get the head of a nail stuck into the bottom of my foot.

After much swearing, hopping, and wound cleaning, I got Scott to drive me to the nearest clinic. I signed in and so forth, letting them know I'd be outside if I got called. It was busy so I figured I'd have time to smoke. I ran out of smokes, so Scott went out to get more and came back with a pack of cigarettes and a six-pack of Red Stripe.

We spent a decent amount of time remarking on general absurdity, in particular the fact that we were sitting outside a clinic drinking beer and smoking cigatettes. After I finally got treated, it was only a tetanus shot and some hydrogen peroxide, WHOO HOO, we went to liquor stores, all the while I was strolling my shoeless gimpy stroll.

Even though I will probably have a sore foot for about a week, it's cool because I had a fun/fucked up time, got drunk, and a free burger. It was not too bad a time, just strange
I'm really pissed off and the only thing I can do is write about it, so here goes. This is more stuff about my arrest, specifically my co-arrestees, many of whom are assholes. What I'm noding here is a couple of email messages. I'm kind of paranoid about noding this, but it's a lot more likely that the arrestees mailing list is monitored than that Everything is.

The first one is from me:

This is just a note about behavior I saw in the courtroom at Monday's arraignment. I appreciate that people want to show support, but I've got to say this:


The judicial system has a stereotype that they want to fit you into, and when you go into the courtroom and go out of your way to show disrespect, you aren't helping anyone except the prosecution. One of the best things you can do if you want to support is to display that you are not what they expect and that you can comport yourself with dignity. When you disrupt the proceedings, you demonstrate that you don't understand the gravity of the situation, you don't understand the process, and that being disruptive is more important to you than the people you're ostensibly there to support.

Please. Support is great, but if you can't behave in a mature fashion, please don't come.

And then I got two responses. The first had some points that were good, but not well-thought out. I haven't touched the writers' formatting; the errors are theirs:

we make noise in court because it's fun. because if we're gonna be forced into this legal system we're at least not gonna be bored by it. because it's a way to reclaim that space in some little way. because they don't let us have voices in court so we're gonna make noise anyway.

the people we are there to support is ourselves and our friends. all the people being disruptive are people who were arrested and are in court either for their own court dates or for their friends. we drag our asses out of bed at 7.00 am to be at court to show support for our friends. and we refuse to sit there silently out of fear. we never do it when the judge is in the courtroom so we don't have to worry that he'll think badly of us (i think the whole anarchist/riot/assaulting police thing has already ruined our image). and we're not gonna be charged with contempt of court, they just kick us out. and it's not just people who are trying to be disruptive, i was sick and coughing and they kicked me out for that. if we're gonna have to spend hours in court we're at least gonna laugh through it...we can't let them kill our spirits no matter what they do to us.

The second message is less well-structured:

In response to my courtroom behaviour:

I don't respect the courts of this country. I don't respect the laws of this country. I don't respect this country at all. I'm not going to kiss the judge's ass, nor the prosecutor. The only reason why I'm even going to court is because my collectives bail money is at stake. If I could take a shit in the middle of the court room and throw it a the judge's head, and get away with it, I would do it without hesitation. If we are in court we mine as well show how much of a farce this judicial system is. I don't take the courts seriously, at all. I realize (And I'm sure we all do) what kind of impact the courts can have on our two comrades in jail. Keep in mind we are not in the same court room, or even case that Ruckus, and Jaavy are in. Javy pled guilty and is going through immigration courts right now. Ruckus is in felony court. I have 8 hours of video tape from evidence, and it shows nothing at all but police brutality. Things are looking good so don't worry to much. I will not act mature (nor will I ever grow up!), I'm going to act like a child. There is no such thing as acting grown up, only acting in the normal responsible way that the system has set up society to act. I will not be told that I have to dress or act like some middle class chump to get repect. Stay wild, stay crazy, scream like your on a roller coaster, cos that is what your life is. Long live anarchy! Long live the insurrection! And long live court room outbursts!

It was signed "in solidarity".

And my reply:

However anyone feels about the court, you're missing the point that court officials don't see your disruption as commentary on the flaws of the system; they see it as a sign that everyone there is too stupid and to behave for half an hour, and that they don't care about what happens to the defendants. You can behave any way you want to at your court dates; I'm asking that you don't disrupt mine - it's not okay with me.

(To the first writer), your point about the bad image of everyone arrested is good, but you don't take it far enough; going to court can be an opportunity to contradict that image, and showing the courts that you are not what they expect can be very effective.

My request remains: If you're going to a court date to show support, great. If you're going to be disruptive, then please don't go unless you've cleared it with *ALL* the defendants.

I know that I should have dropped the subject, but I was angry and didn't stop to realize that they're not going to listen, and that it might make things worse.

And they wonder why anarchists have such a bad image...

I found out today that we might lose the most senior person on our team. It turns out that my boss and him have different styles. It will be interesting, because although I have learned our company's applications fairly well, the other two members of our team have not. Even more interesting is the fact that he has apparently told me before telling the guy who is probably moving. We'll see what happens.

Meanwhile, this is promising to be a great week, because it is almost 1/2 over! Tonight we had our company's weekly dinner and movie night...we ate Chinese and saw The Guns of Navarone. It was a pretty good movie, and I am thinking of renting the sequel.

Today I had a small internal conflict.
I work in a small office-type building, where you see the people from the other companies pretty often, and smile and nod, or say hi quietly.
The man who keeps things looking nice around the building is Len. He's a bit eccentric, and his eyes bulge. He also has an accent I haven't quiet placed yet. Somewhere Mediterranean. Len is always poking around, doing a few things at once.

So he was spackling the walls to be repainted in the hallway, as well as refilling a vending machine and flushing all the toilets in the women's washroom and testing all the taps. (I find this extremely weird. He always pokes his head in before he enters and says "Hello... Maintenance.")
Between the hallway, the bathroom and near the vending machine is a small table with some chairs where people eat lunch.

So I'm eating lunch, my co-workers have already returned to work, and nobody is around. Except Len. And he's currently flushing. The vending machine door has been left open, with its wide variety of snack treats calling out to me. I cannot see them due to the glare on the plexi-glass door, but I know what's there. Ms. Vicki's chips, Bounty chocolate bars, Excel gum, Swedish Berries, and so much more.

So I glance around, and it seems pretty quiet.
The candy is very tempting. But this is my workplace. What if someone where to see me? Would that young-ish lab-tech from a few doors down say "sweet, pass me the Doritos"? What if Len comes out and tells the property manager. I could be in trouble. She could tell my bosses. They can fire me.

I can't get a job with this pay anywhere else. But nobody's around. And Len left the door OBVIOUSLY open. He's asking for trouble. I'm sure he's punked a few chocolate bars and bags of chips while re-filling. I *could* just be closing the door.....
Besides, when we first moved into this building, someone stole a nice chair from us. We didn't deserve that. We treat this building with respect. *I* treat this building with respect. I deserve a reward.

The elevator, located directly across from the vending machines is here.

So I stay in my seat.

And look at my bagel with cream cheese.
Not even cheesy flavored.
Not even sweet.
Not calling out to me.

So what if the elevator hadn't come?
Well, I'd probably have stayed seated anyhow.
I guess I just made it into an internal conflict to make my self feel better about the fact that I only long to be a bad-girl.

And Len would probably have found the bad-girl inside me to be too sexy to handle. I don't think Len gets out much.

Tonight really bothered me, so I'm going to vent it here.

I am finishing my Masters degree at St. Bonaventure University this summer. The class I am taking right now is rather interesting. I like the class… but I hate the professor. Okay, I don't hate him; I don't hate anyone. However, I think he likes to make me feel like shit. Just me. No one else.

There are ten grad students in this class. I think I am the only one to have also done my undergraduate work at SBU. Thus, this is the fourth class I have had this prof. for.

I do not know what was going on, but he just was not making sense tonight. Usually, I am a social student who is low-key with her professors. I only ask questions once and a while. However, tonight, the prof. was just not making sense. So, I asked questions. I was feeling quite proud of myself. Usually I have trouble not falling asleep in this guy’s class. I am not “that girl” who always asks obnoxious questions.

This particular professor is always saying “any questions?” So, I ask a question… and he says, “do you have a hearing problem?” I just look at him shocked. He then proceeded to move my seat to the front center of the class. WHAT THE FUCK??? You don’t do that in college, let alone grad. school. He moved my seat? Err? Did I miss something? Am I in fourth grade and passing notes?

I talked to some of the other students -- they were confused too.

Here is the thing -- I am pissed off. I did not let him see that I am pissed off, but I am. I do not like being disrespected – let alone in front of people who I respect. It was really embarrassing!

So now, here’s what I am trying to decide. On Thursday night, when I have class again, do I sit in my “normal seat” or the seat he moved me to for my “obvious hearing problem?”

I hate it when stupid people bother me.

At 6:30am this morning, I woke up. I was lying on my back, with my mouth wide open, with the ceiling fan blowing on me. An odd position for me -- I usually sleep on my side. After pondering this for a moment, I made a big fucking mistake.

I swallowed. And nearly choked to death on my own bone-dry swollen left tonsil.

After my eyes finished bulging out of their sockets and the sharp pains subsided and I somehow managed to avoid gagging on my own damn tonsil, I made a mad dash to the kitchen for water, not bothering to put any pants on first (at this point I could've cared less if my roommates saw me running around pantsless). I painfully gulped down several cups of water in a vain attempt to re-wet my dried up tonsil.

The majority of the pain subsided after a few hours, but my throat is still sore and unhappy. Ugh.

My decision from yesterday to finally propose to my girlfriend is going well so far. I was informed by my mother that when my grandfather passed away and the entirity of his estate was spread amongst the children, part of her windfall was a pair of 1.5 carat ring-quality diamonds. Since Grandma didn't leave me any jewlery (guess why?), she felt it appropriate that one of the diamonds pass to me. This means that I don't have to pay for anything but the setting.

It seems that the Universe, as Paulo Coelho put it, conspires to aid a dreamer. Indeed, it seems that fortune is playing directly towards my future. It seems almost too good to be true; I'm kinda waiting for the other shoe to fall...



Yesterday wasn't highly interesting. I tried to write a conspiracy theory, but I couldn't quite get to the "conspiracy" part...

There's something in CD-Rs that troubles me. (Or, rather, should trouble me if I would be paranoid, but I'm not paranoid so I'm not troubled.)

Also, I was in IRC... tried to make an irssi theme of my own (sirc-lookalike with colors) but I didn't get too far.

Today... nothing yet.



Some documentation done. Some new nodes out there. ::yawns even more widely::

To do: I need to make a new news server to work better (hopefully loses count less easily than leafnode...)


So, two days after the birthday... I thought it'd be good to get myself some presents too. I bought a random DVD - The Terminator special edition, to be specific.

Crazy Idea of the Day: Since the Terminator, like Bender, runs on Mostech 6502 processor, maybe I should copy the code displayed on the movie and optimize it. Then, I might need to talk with James Cameron about these. ("Hi! I'm WWWWolf, the evil twin of the Comic Book Guy. I would like to discuss..." =)

Speaking of Terminator series - I recently noticed interesting, somewhat speaking thing from T2's end... I'll write about it later. (Though, I guess my radical ideas about machine emotions have already occurred to others. =)

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: libpr0n BAIR Kickstart ROM

Updated: Amiga Forever

Yesterday's belated news: hugspam .newsrc

Rhapsody in Screwed :: Part IV

05.29.01 :: 20:15

took the rabbit for a walk, avoided calling jerrett, slept way too much. distinctly did not go to work. you know the rest.

had too many dreams, usually containing jerrett. except the one about the murderer who was after calli. that was inexplicable. trying desperately to protect her, locking me out of her apartment, and getting shot at in the hall. shot in the hall, incidentally. it was weird, 'cos i was doing this crazy kung-fu shit off the top of the emergency exit door, and then i got shot three times, but i didn't feel anything, it was just like "oh, look, i'm shot! let me not do that again..." and then i fell off the door, and one of the tynker boys was standing over me looking surprised, and he said something about how i needed to be more careful about this, and expressed surprise that i was hunting this murderer. looking back i'm surprised, too. i had no weapons. somehow i got back into the apt, and the killer was sawing up through the floor, so i tried to knock him back through the hole, but i think i woke up to the sound of a frisbee hitting the window. fuckin' neighbours. i'm back in the Real, and i don't know how i feel about that anymore. :(

jerrett left his tunic on my bed. i did just about what you'd expect, but i swore i'd call today. didn't call. didn't know what to say if she answered the phone and he *wasn't* there. prolly coulda just gone with, "uh, jolly good, i'll call back later" or something lame like that, but that would not put across the point, and the point may best be left not put across...who knows? not i.

listening to front 242. very comforting. don't know why. i guess it reminds me of kent.

i really *should* call. i...*sigh*... i dreamed that i called. it was bizarre. i think that means i really *should*, but...and i know i need to...i have the perfect excuse, but it's not one i can share. (new order :: bizarre love triangle) snickering madly as i notice the music.

god...i spent the weekend with peter pan, and now i don't want to grow up. almost makes me want to go back to freelance graphic design. or freelance anything, to be honest. but that was a bitch of a career choice, and i remember it. i can't justify it to myself. oh, god, i love the world...

"standing on a corner...suitcase in my hand"

called jerrett. it went fairly well, considering that it was a strained and awkward conversation. every so often i would forget that you just can't say things with another person in the room. living alone rocks, but sometimes it just skews reality a bit.

went for kohii with cap'n mollie, ran off at the mouth about how much it sucked to be back in the Real. "did you ever have one of those days where it feels like you've been stabbed in the chest with a glass knife and someone keeps twisting it?" self kick self. why? because i need it to remind myself i'm alive. i keep wondering if i was dreaming. after all, i am once again in my apartment and the neighbours' band is playing the super mario medley. but then i walk into the bedroom, and there is a pink sticky note with a phone number on my calendar.

::tear out heart, throw on ground, jump upon, repeatedly::

it was the longest weekend of my life. it was the most beautiful anything has been in years. only the sarcasm kept me from tears tonite. i was so fucked up in the heart i couldn't put together a complete and coherent sentence. i just kept laughing because it beat the hell out of crying, yet had the same power to convey heart rending despair. i was significantly distracted. ...wonderful warm brown eyes... i can't. yeah, i think that's a complete sentence. i just can't. anything. there's a hole in my heart that would fit a battleship. the world has lost its flavour.

Did I ever tell you that I was almost a father once? Yes, it's true, despite life's many attempts to discourage me, I am capable of reproduction- if by a somewhat slim margin. I was once engaged to a woman who was not right for me at the time (and probably never will be). When I got my head screwed on straight, I broke off the engagement- this did not please her. I didn't expect it to, but it was the wisest move for both of us.

Getting snowed in at a friend's house a few months after the break-up, however, probably wasn't the best thing for us. Everyone else had a bed and it came down to the fact that two people were going to have to share a bed for the night. My ex-fiancé and I decided that since we'd slept together before, we could probably endure it once again, for one night only.

Then the morning came. We were groggy, we were cold and we were alone. Old habits die hard, they say. I've never told anyone this, but I felt the conception occur when we made love that morning, that one, last time. It was like a small static electric charge in my spine and it kicked me hard. We hadn't used any protection and it was just... a mistake. I didn't say anything about it to anyone because I didn't want to believe I'd sensed what I thought I'd sensed. Over the years I've learned to listen to my gut and act upon it whenever it spoke to me. I should have then, but I was young and stupid and still finding my own voice.

She found out about her pregnancy a month later and it tilted her world at odd angles. She didn't know how to respond to the news or what to do with it or herself. She asked some friends, in confidence, for some advice and made them promise they wouldn't tell me about it until she made a decision about what she wanted to do. Our friends obeyed, oftentimes forcing themselves into silence when I'd walk into a room or just watching me with eyes that seemed to almost pity me. I sensed these things and that something was up, but like I said, I still hadn't learned to listen to that inner voice. I just figured that they'd tell me when they were ready. I knew that whatever it was had to be something "big", but I had no idea that it involved me so completely.

One of my friends rationalized that I deserved to know, but they were bound by their word not to tell me. So they figured that the next best thing would be to tell my parents and have them deliver the message that way. Oh, man, you have no idea how strange it is to be told by your parents that you've got a kid on the way. That's the kind of thing you inform them of, not the other way around.

As soon as I got the news I decided that I would do everything within my power to be a part of that child's life. I knew better than to propose marriage to her, but I made it clear that I was not going to disappear. I'd helped to create this life and it was my responsibility to make sure it was provided for and cared for. I was a father and I had a duty to uphold as such. In the long run, it proved pointless.

She miscarried on the last day of her first tri-mester. It was a boy, which I already knew in my gut, but she was kind enough to tell me that much. She didn't blame me or hate me or want to hurt me. She was scared and frustrated and confused, but through it all she knew that I would always try to do the right thing, even to my own detriment. She respected me and still, in ways she couldn't understand, loved me.

After that incident, that messy chapter in my life, I decided I needed to do some major growing up. Over the last 7 years I've been doing all the growing up I can handle. I've got a long, long way to go, but I feel light-years ahead of the game- more so than I was back then. I've bumped into my ex-fiancé a few times over the years, but there was always that lingering feeling of "what now?" It was always strained and uncomfortable.

She showed up at Cafe Coco a few weeks ago. We were civil and kind. I gave her my business card with my website address on it and implored her to send me an email. She never sent the email to me. She showed up again a few nights ago, just last week, and told me that she thought the website looked great and was sorry for not sending the email. She promised to send one that night, which she did.

I've been so busy with my new job and life and everything else that I haven't had the time to sit down and really reply to it. Tonight, on my 28th birthday at Cafe Coco, she showed up again. We talked about the past. I asked her questions about why she didn't tell me about the baby until I had to find out the hard way. I asked how her life has been going. I told her that her last girlfriend was not worthy of her attention and that she could have done better, but it's all good now that she's moving forward with her life. I listened to her tell me about a new guy she's interested in, the first man in years, since me, that she's been interested in at all.

My cousin showed up and we went off to play some 9-ball. I invited her, and she gladly accepted. She's awful at pool and hasn't improved over the years, but it was good to talk with her in a relaxed setting. The tension was gone and it was genuinely good to see her, like we were almost friends again. She's matured at lot and so have I; we've got things in perspective.

While she was playing against my cousin, who was taking his turn at the time, she edged herself beside me, laid her hand in my knee and was about to perch herself on my thigh. Suddenly she jerked back, as though she'd touched a white-hot furnace and just stared at me in shock at how easily she was falling into old patterns. I just smirked knowingly and said:

"Old habits die hard, don't they?"

She looked down, almost sad for a minute, and then looked me right in the eye. "Yeah. Yeah, they do. It's hard not to fall back into them." In that statement alone, I heard volumes. The lesbianism thing was a phase for her and she was still in love with me. She was scared of being close to me again, for fear of what it might do to her heart. She'd said other things through the course of the evening that sorta led up to this, but that one exchange summed it up: she still finds me attractive, after all these years and after all we went through.

A few of the guys who hang out at Cafe Coco have seen her, my ex-fiancé of seven years. All of them find her to be attractive. I don't see it, though, not the way they do. When I look at her, I see the mother of my unborn child. I see a young woman from many years gone that had some severe issues about herself and other people. I see a woman who's still scared to be true to herself. I see a woman who's still running from peace and self assurance. I also see a woman I had a very special and very strong bond with. I see a woman from my past, a past that I thought I'd left behind. Like my ex-life wants to collect alimony- only the currency here isn't really money so much as the kind of currency people find priceless.

I suppose this is something I deserve, in a sense. I've been working on a website for the Baha'i Faith and have been woefully slack in getting the work done- for a myriad of reasons, doubt of self-worth being one of them. I'm being tested now and I'm almost back to square one. I wasn't paying attention to my spiritual obligations, the ones I'd set up for myself back when I was still engaged to this woman, and now that I'm falling behind again, she's come back to haunt me. It's like a karmic reminder or wake-up service. I don't know what to do, but I'm becoming seriously resolved to finishing SoulPearls.Com something quick. Now, more than ever, I need positive karma- because I sense that things are about to get rocky for me once again.

Happy 28th, eh?

In Denmark, there has been some controversy because of the muslim immigration. Some of these muslims have joined a political party here, The Radical Left, and this has stirred up some debate, because the Quran mentions capital punishment. The Danish minister of church, Johannes Lebech, has made some statements on the matter. It is noteworthy that the mentioned muslims have publicly claimed that they are not in support of death penalty.

In the Politiken (a big newspaper) of May 24, 2001, the following reader's letter (by Eigil Møller, a professor at the University of Copenhagen, I think) was printed (translated from Danish):

"Something has to be done. Johannes Lebech said to Politiken on May 21st about the muslims "problem with death penalty, because death penalty is mentioned in the Quran." That's a horrifying revelation! Do these viewpoints really florish in the midst of The Radical Left? Death Penalty? The Radical? Roused by the minister of church's zealous research, I decided to follow up on the case. And it can now sensationally be disclosed, that the minister of church, and even the minister of education themselves are active in a shady, religous organization with everything but humanistic goals.

I succeded in tracking a page on the Internet - yes, think, a homepage! - filled with the most repulsive attitudes, that are also held by this organization. One can read, among other things, the following: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination. And it should be punished with death." But not alone is death penalty propagandaized and homophobia promoted.
No, there is talk of the most shameful, medieval suppresion of women, hear now: "if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in church." The two quotes are but samplers. There are huge amounts of these horrible points of view on the homepage. Find more examples on

The chocking by these new discoveries is, that the two mentioned ministers are supposedly member of a cultic society (a so-called "People's Church"), that worship this text as the holiest. The truth must be know: Do you admit this membership?
And are such attitudes unitable with a membership of The Radical Left?
The public must demand an unambiguous distancing from the mentioned organization and the anti-human theories it builds on, by these two. And where is the media in this part of the case?"

(Features a drawing of the minister of church saying "No no, we don't need a fundamentalist like you in The Radical Left" to Moses with the ten commandments.)

Take that, you silly hypocrite christians =)

Disclaimer: I have nothing against christians in general, only the hypocrites.

9:30pm: Wrote a lot of French Comic Books nodes today & a while back.

Yay! I love comics!

Today is my second day of work here at my summer job. Coincidentally, this is the first write up i've written on e2 in quiet some time. Perhaps these two events aren't coincidental... Its not my fault that there is actually work to do while at school, but none at this job (not bad pay for doing nothing)

So a little more about my job, in case anyone cares. I'm working at an engineering firm that contracts to the military (US and its allies). I'm an 'engineering intern' apparently. The people around me are all working on pretty interesting things. Radios for the military, GPS software, etc. Of course, i don't know if i'll eventually be doing something relavent to any of these projects. For now its just sitting around waiting to be told to do something.

Today is also my brother's birthday. He turns 23 or something like that. And I, being a 'young one', am going to have to start calling him old man. (If i call a 23 year old man, imagine what i'd call some of you people).

Cancers should NEVER take too much Acetimetephen.

I told you so, I told you so......okay, that's out of my system now. I had to hear it, so you do too. Sorry Jen has erupted into such a huge problem, but yous almost out of there.

As for my journal type entry, this is a recap of the last few days. I accidentally overdosed on freakin' Tylenol, people. Can you believe it? Windi's Achaeles Heel is too much of an over the counter med. You take over 10,000 mgs, and see how well you do. I was just plain stupid. I was trying to run away from the pain in my mouth, which will be taken care of by this afternoon. Bear is my hero in this Satyr says, "The Season Finale of 'As the Porch Rots' ". So, getting the goddamn tooth pulled finally today. Nope, not all together happy about that. I don't even think I want to relate the goriness of my getting all that poison out of my body. Just hoping there was minimal damage to my liver, 'cause then what am I supposed to drink with? My liver is by far my favorite drinking buddy.

Speaking of which, I actually had just a couple yesterday. I was supposed to meet up with the techies last night, talk to Jon about Schtuff. But I wasn't feeling hot, didn't feel like seeing more hickies, and I had gotten a call from Grrm to drop the film by. Man, is he down. "Erin and I finally called it quits the other day." Really....I thought you guys were already broken up......that sucks a big smelly dick. Yeah, he's a nutcase, but he's an all right guy. So, talk to me. I took him to Doughertys and bought him some beer, I needed to pay him back somehow. Ah, another person I don't feel completely cofortable being myself around. There's only two, I guess that ain't too bad. We walked by my place on the way to his, he had asked me to carry him. We both know I could do it. We had two shots when we got there....that's when I drank, and played with the doggies for a minute. Then he brushed the hair out of my face and kissed me.

"I'm sorry, I can't help it."
"Grrm, we're gonna be friends, right?"
"Hope so."
"Okay, then I need to go now."

So I did. I left. I didn't necessarily want to. Don't ask me. I meant it when I said I WANT TO BE FRIENDS! There are too many players, too little me. And I ain't ready for anything more serious than stolen kisses. I don't know what I want. Actually, yeah I do. Can I take the stability and loyalty from the Aries, the artistic drowned pieces from the Cancer, the history, danger and desperateness from the Leo, and the craziness and 'Just let it all go' of the Pisces?

I take out my deck, pull out the cards, and introduce The King of Wands to the Emperor, The King of Cups and the Seven of Swords. Ugh, sometimes I wish I could wear hickies as if to say, "I ain't backin' down one iota". This isn't fair. Really, it's not. It's times like these when I feel like asking myself, "Okay, it's the end of the world. If you could have one person by your side, who would they be?" I wish I knew the answer, but I guess I won't for a while.

Is this what holding on looks like?

We have had my Gran and two old family friends staying with us last night and today. The friends are a husband and wife and the woman used to be my mother's au pair, about 40 years ago. She is French and she is an extremely lively woman. Most of the time everyone talks in French which is a bit a of a challenge, but is probably good for me.

Her husband doesn't say much but he does come out with some classic lines. My dad had got some nice wine out of the cellar and had told them all about it. He was about to pour some into Madamme Lenez's glass when he exclaimed,

No! It is my policy that when we have the good vines only the men drink.
He seems such a quiet man but he does come out with lines like that.

I extensively updated and rewrote my reformation write up. I also noticed that freshmint is getting better fast having been a target for my advice recently.

Just having a strange morning. I feel very sad, down, depressed, all of a sudden - after seeing M. last night? I don't know why yet. So much is going on.

Feelings about coming out, the box society puts you in if you aren't hetero/homogenized, don't tell anyone, don't show anything - it's quite oppressive. I don't like it, and I resent the hell out of it.

Feelings about M. We met last night and talked about the breakup. It was hard to see him knowing it was over. He was really sad. It was so strange, feeling all of my love for him, and yet not wanting him romantically any more. He looked really cute (even sad) with his beard and mustache cut off, and his two new earrings in one ear. Very cute. Why do I feel so sad today, come on, what's going on? I am sitting here, letting the feeling flow, and I don't know why... (6/1/01 - Looking back, it's obvious I'm sad about M. and the loss of my best friend/boyfriend/lover. Still sad today.)

I'm feeling alone like I did a few weeks ago when I first integrated. No voices, no presences popping in and out of consciousness. Just quiet solitude and the little "oh, don't forget to do that!" I feel so alone - losing M. permanently in that way, finally hearing him talk about dating others, finding some one, and I'm so sure he will eventually find some one, and she will be beautiful inside. Saying goodbye may be really hitting me at last.

Saying goodbye last night felt close and awkward at the same time. I feel really sad, feel a big loss.

I've been thinking alot lately about opportunity and carpe diem and all that stuff. You are always told to never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. Great words of advice but hard to really put into practice.

I had known this guy at school for a few months. We both kind of guessed that we liked each other and most of the school guessed likewise. He had worked up the nerve to ask me to go see a movie Saturday, and I was really looking forward to it.

Also coming up was our school's semi-formal winter dance. I really wanted to ask this guy to go, but was afraid he wouldn't want to go. He is the really shy type who never goes to dances. I had finally decided I was going to ask him Saturday when we went to the movies. And then Friday came....

Third hour came around on Friday. I had a class with this guy and we sat by each other. So there I am, sitting in class, and all of a sudden this other girl walks up and asked him to the dance! I was surprised/shocked and by the look on his face, he was too. He told her he would have to think about it and tell her Monday.

Saturday came and we had a great time at the movies. Neither of us mentioned the dance. I found out Monday, he had told her that he didn't want to go with her.

The story does have a silver lining. He did for awhile think about going with me, but decided not to. He did ask me to prom and we had a great time.

If I had asked him, a day earlier than I had planned, he probably would have gone with me. Guess we never know what a day can really mean.


I am not angry. I am not even very sad. I knew about this. I cried in my bed at night, long nights of confusion. You did not know. Cheerful, perhaps. I am cheerful. Sometimes my mind slips mid-sentence and


and I forget
I forget


I wish you could have done it to my face. Meant it. Been honest about it. I wish you would emerge from your coccoon and see the world and me. Where did you go? What is left of you inside? I see so little of You in there. I wish you could realise that we are no longer because of your lifestyle. That there are some things that are not my fault. That while I will follow you to the ends of the earth if necessary, I will not follow you into the cesspool of your current life. Uni, career, money, what are they compared with the joy of living with you? But when they are all I have, I will take them and be glad of them. You have made me stagnate and accept things I did not want to have aught to do with. That is compromise. They are all compromise.

I wish you would look at yourself from the outside, see your life as I see it.

May 30th is the day that my father died.
May 30th, 1999. Two years ago on this day I woke up to my mom telling me that an ambulance was taking him to the hospital. I didn't have my glasses or contacts on, my sister and I went into the living room together and neither of us said anything, we just looked at our dad. Finally, he told us to go to our rooms. He didn't want us to see him that way.

That was the last time that either of us saw him alive.

Needless to say, this day, not to mention the entire weekend of Memorial Day, is not my favorite out of the year.

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