Yesterday I mowed the lawn, finishing before it started raining. I was upset because my oldest daughter hadn't done the trimming last time she mowed. Instead of taking action, I stewed. For years I've been avoiding getting a job. First it was too hard to write a resume since I've had so many jobs. Then I wrote a poor version, sent it to my sister who suggested some updates. Now it's much better. Monday I took my resume in to a temp agency. They offered me immediate factory work which I did not take, telling the woman I was car shopping. True, but not the truth. The other day I received a letter in the mail from the insurance company of the guy I was involved in a car accident with back in April. The woman informed me that I was responsible for repaying them for the cost of his vehicle which is currently sitting around $16,000.
I almost bought an older Honda Accord on Tuesday, but for some reason I held back. I'm trying a new strategy where I phrase things as situations and alternatives rather than problems and solutions. Last night I laid on the couch listening to a podcast on finding mastery. If you're on Twitter, you may enjoy @MichaelGervais and his guests. In the past I haven't seen much value in podcasts, but as I lay there I found myself relaxing. I think I drifted off to sleep briefly, when I woke up the podcast was still going. A very accomplished woman was speaking, undergrad degree from Harvard, master's from Oxford, PhD from the University of Pennsylvania. Today I listened to a world famous surfer share stories about his life. Again I felt that calm peace descend upon me.
Tomorrow the girls will be here. I agreed to watch the neighbor's dog. I started sweeping in the garage in preparation for a rummage sale. I woke up after a night that started around 7:30 on the couch. Today I tried to eat lunch, but every bite stuck in my throat. I put my fork down, pushed my plate of pasta and broccoli aside and ate an apple. I'm scared to go back to work. Yesterday I watched a short video that talks about a rewind technique people can use as part of a way to ease thoughts and feelings from traumatic events that contributed to PTSD. It's beautifully bright and sunny outside. Inside it's much cooler. I'm terrified of the dumbest things. Dread is my constant companion, but I'm getting better at noticing the pit in my stomach and identifying it for what it is.
When I worked at my last full time job I was mostly ignored by my boss. Sometimes I feel that there are too many studies on things, but I read an article on poor workplace practices and was surprised to learn that having a critical boss is less damaging than having one that ignores you. I need money to pay my bills. I need work to keep me busy, to occupy my time, to give me something else to think about. I've acquired new skills that I lacked when I was working at a job that didn't compensate me fairly. That was a loss. That was traumatic. At the time I was in an unloving and unfulfilling marriage. I was discovering I had more food allergies and auto-immune conditions. I feel like I was treated inhumanely, ground beneath an oppressive regime that failed to acknowledge its workers.
I just have to do things. Today I did things. I made supper in the morning instead of letting the day flutter by and opening the fridge later tonight without a clue as to what to do for supper. Everything seems like too much effort. Things are actually going really well apart from the latest financial blow. When I asked the father of my children if he would split the car accident costs he said he didn't have that kind of money. Which really isn't the point. He had agreed to pay for my car insurance after we were divorced. He didn't and now I'm out a car and paying for another one. I can't get away from that simply by saying I don't have the money. I have to figure it out. And I will. I have been.
The guy I like was very empathetic which is one of the things I just love about him. I had to put this behind me to move forward. I wish there was more justice in the world, but there's not a lot I can do if he won't accept responsibility for his negligence. I'm proud of the way I treated him when I texted him the other day. Being furious with him is only going to slow me down. It feels like I'm in a room where the walls, floor, and ceiling are closing in on me. To counter this I need to take action. I need to get out of the house, buy groceries, hang out with friends, work in the yard, go to the library, have a rummage sale, do my yoga DVDs, keep taking my walks, and listening to my podcasts. It would be smart of me to accept temporary factory work. I'm scared of being stuck there. I'm afraid it will be too much for my body.
I don't know how I will manage to get Jill to her camp counselor internship, I'm nervous about being hungry, tired, bored, frustrated, and angry. These fears are tearing me up inside and destroying my health. They're doing more damage to me than any factory job where the conditions are not abhorrent. I need to find a way to say yes, I will pick up the phone and tell this very nice woman who is trying to find me a job that I will take action and do work that will net me a paycheck. I can learn a new skill, I can meet some new people. I can use this as motivation to find a better job that pays more that I want to be working at and going to in the mornings. Fear is my enemy and I need to find ways to face it instead of escaping and avoiding it. I can do this. I am doing it. I am strong and capable. I can be happier and less scared.
Update - I called and left a message for the woman who interviewed me. Happy I made the call. Also forgot to mention that last night was the second in a row where I skipped my sleep meds. Haven't taken anything, not even vitamins these past few days. Experimenting to see what I can do on my own. I'm making progress and I need to give myself credit for that...