Today is my birthday
, and I had planned to do some obligitory rumination
, and node about the secrets of life that my quater century had yielded me... but I got hung up at work, (ain't that always the way) and now I must drink heavily. So maybe tomorrow.
Yesterday (may 25, 2000) was my birthday, and I said that I had wanted to write up some of the obligatory ruminations that go along with milestones, but didn't get to it. So...
First I want to say what a jip.
I went out last night, and had a really good time. (I am still burping cuervo to prove it). However, last night and my birthday have come and gone and I don't feel any different. I don't mean that in an eight year old, "I'm not any taller" sort of way, and i guess my car insurance is cheaper. Rather, somewhere in my head I figured that when I am 25, I would be established, or I would be this or that. But really my alarm clock sounded that exact same way this mourning. My point is that we (if you don't do this, feel free to not include yourself) take these arbitrary dates and attach ambigous goals. Now I knew this was comming, I turned 18 and I didn't feel any different, and I turned 21 and I didn't feel any different. I am still scared, and I am still sorry, and I am still stuck. What I am confessing is that some part of me hoped/dreamed that I would feel different. I know that is childish, and in the end the jip part is that this birthday made me hope I would get it and at the same time showed me how much I don't get it by hoping.
The bitter sweet consolation is that this is the last "good" birthday, 'cause 26 is nothing special, and by 30 I am on my way down hill. Maybe if I don't feel any different five years from today I'll be psyched, (is that infinite resignation?) .
I have more to say, but I'm scared of what you will think of me.
fuck it you don't know me.
At some point in my recent past my fondest dreams changed. As a younger man (read boy) I wished in my secret wishes to know the TRUTH. not in an X-files sort of way, but in a big picture existential sort of way. In my 25 introspection binge, I realized that I just want to be happy, and if that involves fat and dumb so be it. Now its not like this change evolved. I definitely didn't gradually stop caring about the mysteries of why, and to date they have never satisfactorily been explained to me. I just woke up one day and I had changed with out noticing it, and it wasn't on my birthday... (still a little bitter about that)... and wasn't because of any thing... it just was.
Its like this girl in second grade, Susan Bergson, I had a great big crush on, and here is the cool part: she had a crush back. It was simpatico all mixed with innocence, and it remains one of the great relationships of my life. However, she went away for the summer to camp and I missed her... until one day in July, when I didn't. We went back to school in September and were in the same class, but it wasn't the same.
Can you fall out of issues, like falling out of love?
In summation, I am 25, I am still strugling with maturity and shape of my universe.
If you have read all the way through this thank you very much, it felt good to write it.